


Not That Easy

by rurambles



Series: Ease [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Neglect, Dissociation, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 83,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27634304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rurambles/pseuds/rurambles
Summary: Kei was different.He was trying so hard not to be.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Akiteru & Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Ease [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058075
Comments: 66
Kudos: 266





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I have returned. If you clicked this without looking at the tags please go over them.  
> This is my first time doing a slow burn so I hope the pacing is okay.  
> Enjoy.

The night Kei was born his father didn’t show up. His mother, a brave and strong woman, strapped five-year-old Akiteru into the car and drove herself to the hospital. When contractions hit she squeezed the steering wheel tight and asked Aki to tell her about his day.

At the hospital a concerned nurse was assigned with taking care of Akiteru but he slipped away without her noticing. He could hear his mother’s cries of pain and wanted to be by her side. He snuck into the birthing suite and popped up at her side. The doctor called for him to be taken out of the room but it was too late. At the tender age of five he got to witness the birth of his little brother.

Just as Aki was getting over how gross babies look when they’re born, the nurse charged with looking after him burst into the room and hustled him away. She asked him where his father was and when he would be around to take care of him, but Aki just shrugged. He had no idea where his dad was or when to expect him. He was used to this.

The nurse took a knee, looked him straight in the eye, and told him that his baby brother was just born, and it was his job as an older brother to take care of him. That Kei was not just his parents’ son but his brother.

Akiteru nodded and took her words to heart.

Their father didn’t show up for three more days and by that point baby Kei was already wrapped up and whisked home in the loving arms of his mother and brother. When he walked in the house and heard a baby crying he was stunned, like he forgot his wife was pregnant and a baby would be the result. He stood over Kei’s crib and watched him cry, not daring to pick him up.

Akiteru bounded into the nursery and almost screamed when he saw someone hovering over his baby brother. Kei was his and he was not about to let someone take him. When he noticed that it was their father, the feelings didn’t leave. He wasn’t big enough to reach into the crib and hold Kei close but he was big enough to yell out for his mother. Kei was already crying so he figured the extra noise wouldn’t be too much of a nuisance to him.

Their mother walked into the room bleary eyed but stood up ram-rod straight when she noticed her husband. Without as much as a word to her husband she picked up Kei and set up him and Aki on the rocking chair in the corner and told them to stay there. Kei calmed in his brother’s arms; their mother smiled softly at the scene before turning to her wayward husband and pulling him out of the room.

Even through the walls Akiteru could hear the muffled sounds of his parents fighting. He held Kei closer and apologized that his entrance into the world wasn't a bright one. Thinking back on the nurse’s words, he promised to keep Kei safe.

* * *

  
Their father was never a constant in their lives. He couldn’t be counted on to be there when he was needed or to make good on his promises. He came in and out as he pleased. Their mother, for all of her strength, let him.

When Kei was two and Akiteru was seven their father was gone for two weeks straight, it was the longest he had ever been away. At the one week mark their mother started getting nervous, calling hospitals to see if he had shown up there, but there was no trace of him. Secretly, Akiteru liked the relative quiet.

But just like he decided to walk out he decided to walk back in, smelling of liquor and cigarette smoke. Aki wondered if he even meant to come home or if he accidentally stumbled back in his drunken stupor. And their mother just sighed and took her husband to the bathroom to clean him up.

Akiteru took Kei’s hand and led him to his bedroom so they could play. To Akiteru this was the first time he ever betrayed Kei. Because he didn’t only take them to Kei’s bedroom to play, he knew his parents were going to argue and he was curious to listen in. He wanted to know if this would be the time that his mother kicked him out of the house for good. Aki doesn’t know if Kei remembers the conversation they overheard since he was still so young when it happened, but it still weighed heavily on him.

“Don’t you think there is something wrong with him?” his father sounded clearer than he expected considering his drunken stumbling not minutes before.

Their mother let out an offended scoff, “Don’t you dare imply you left because of Kei.”

Kei, who had been innocently playing with blocks, froze at the sound of his name. Aki wondered if he should take them to a different part of the house, but he still wanted to know.”

“He doesn’t talk!” his father complained, “Two-year-olds should talk. Akiteru talked by that age.”

It was true. Kei barely spoke, he could go a few days without verbally asking for something. Instead he relied on gestures, routine, and his big brother to figure out what he wanted. He could speak, he had conversations with his mother and brother before, but most of the time he didn’t. Akiteru would fill the room with chatter and Kei would just observe.

“He’s capable of talking, just because you haven’t heard him doesn’t mean he doesn’t do it. But he doesn’t have a lot to say. The doctor said--” she was cut off before she could finish her explanation.

“The doctor? You took him to the doctor for his? Why couldn’t I have another normal son.”

But his mother was strong and pushed on, “The doctor said it was perfectly normal and he’ll speak when he’s ready.”

Akiteru looked back at Kei who was staring hard at his blocks but still not moving. It was his fault that Kei heard all of that, he failed at his job to protect him. Aki opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t know what he could say to make the situation better. Instead he sat next to his baby brother and began building something with the blocks. Kei soon began helping.

Aki promised that next time he would do better.

* * *

There were a lot of next times.

There are children on the small playground around the corner from their house who don’t understand why Kei won’t talk or play with them. He tried to explain to them that Kei perfectly understood them but didn’t know what to say back. Some children decided that Kei was mean and Aki felt like he failed again.

When he was a little bit older there were his own friends who sometimes came around after school and complained that his weird little brother wanted to spend time with him. Akiteru fought anyone who called Kei weird and he truly believed that getting in trouble for it was worth it. He was protecting his baby brother after all.

There was always their father who unpredictably came in and out of their lives on seemingly a random schedule. He always had some criticism; at one point he complained that Kei slouched his shoulders too much, then months later complained that his posture was too stiff and straight. There was never any winning with him, and after a while he gave up trying.

* * *

When Kei was five he started school. Their mother laughed that out of the three of them Akiteru seemed the most nervous.

Aki walked Kei to school in the morning and picked him up when it was done. He tried to ask Kei about his day but he shrugged and didn’t say anything. It was difficult to tell how he was doing, even at such a young age Kei was great at holding his emotions in.

Weeks later on their walk home Akiteru asked him if he had any friends in his class. Kei stopped short and looked at the sky, like the question required some deep philosophical thinking. Aki watched him for a few minutes before he shook his shoulder, startling him from his reverie. Kei looked at him confused. He didn’t seem to remember why they stopped. Akiteru didn’t know what happened but he somehow felt like he failed.

When Akiteru was eleven he started playing volleyball. In the beginning he was terrible at it, he didn’t like receiving and found serving difficult but he kept trying. He kept trying because he wanted to get better and because when he came home at the end of practice Kei was waiting to hear all about it. The more Aki played the more Kei talked to him.

It was mainly about the sport and the rules, but when Kei started asking about it, Aki didn’t want him to stop. He tried to talk about his friends on the team but Kei always seemed to shut down when the conversation went there, so he stopped.

Volleyball, though, was a major win.

In that same year Akiteru won a small plush dinosaur from a claw machine. He gave it to Kei because he was too old for such things, and it was especially worth it to see Kei’s eyes sparkle with delight. Kei demanded to know what kind of dinosaur it was but Aki didn’t know. It was just a toy, it could be a fake dinosaur for all he knew.

But Aki found his mother and told her that Kei seemed interested in the dinosaur. She knelt by Kei and asked if he wanted to learn more about them. He nodded.

Kei devoured the dinosaur books his mother gave him, soaking up all the information he could and regurgitating it all over dinner. They didn’t care about dinosaurs but they were happy to hear him talk with such passion.

When Kei was eight his father came home and said he was leaving for good. They all sighed in relief.

* * *

Kei was ten when he accidentally made his first friend. He scowled at some bullies and called them pathetic and the boy they were picking on looked up at him like he was wonderful. Kei didn’t stick around to see if the bullies would actually stop but the boy didn’t seem to care.

Days later they ran into each other again at the entrance to the volleyball courts. The boy, Yamaguchi Tadashi he would learn, asked him about volleyball and when Kei opened his mouth, words came tumbling out. Kei surprised himself by talking, but volleyball was safe. He knew enough about it that he couldn’t mess up by talking about it. Yamaguchi looked at him oddly, he couldn’t place why Kei looked so surprised, but he didn’t question anything.

The first time Kei brought Yamaguchi around to his house, Akiteru cried. Actual tears rolled down his cheeks and Kei turned red with embarrassment. But Akiteru caught Kei clenching and unclenching his fists and pulled himself together before Kei kicked his friend out of the house or shut down.

Yamaguchi didn’t ask about the over emotional display but Kei offered him a small ‘sorry my brother is weird,’ and that was enough.

* * *

Yamaguchi watched Kei at school after they became friends. A few people had stopped and asked him how he could be friends with someone like Kei but he didn’t understand the question. Kei was smart and cool and stood up for him.

But as he watched he noticed that Kei didn’t interact with a lot of people. He spoke quietly to the teacher and answered questions when he was asked, but never raised his hand to offer his own opinions. Just as Kei avoided the other children, the other children avoided him. They thought that he was weird, he was too quiet and never seemed to relax.

They weren’t wrong but Yamaguchi didn’t know why that was such a bad thing. Kei never purposefully came off as mean, but they took his standoffish attitude as malice or arrogance. Yamaguchi saw a fellow awkward kid.

Yamaguchi made friends easily once he overcame his intense shyness, and he used that super power to get Kei to talk to more people. It turned out that Kei could be witty and sarcastic, and when misunderstood he often did sound mean, but Yamaguchi found him funny and the other children were getting used to having him around.

Eventually Kei found himself eating lunch with three people instead of by himself. He really wished that the two people Yamaguchi brought with him would leave but he didn’t want to risk losing his only friend so he put up with the noise.

“Hey, Yama,” Shiro piped up one day, “do you have a crush on anyone?”

Yamaguchi turned bright red and shook his head, “No!” he said a little bit too loudly, “I mean, girls are cute but I don’t like any of them. I mean, I like them as friends. You. Do you like anyone?”

Shiro and Takao laughed as Yamaguchi tripped over his words and waved his hands around. Kei didn’t like that they were laughing at his friend but he also didn’t understand what they were talking about.

“Arisu in class two is so pretty,” Shiro sighed.

Takao made a face, “You have bad taste, Kazumi is obviously better,” he turned to Kei with a questioning look, “What about you, Tsukishima? Is there anyone you like?”

Tsukishima scrunched up his nose. He didn’t understand the question. The only people he really liked were Yamaguchi and Akiteru but he didn’t think they were pretty. He shook his head no, it seemed like the safer answer.

“Aw, c’mon,” Shiro goaded, “there’s no girl you think about?” He wiggled his eyebrows like he was implying something but Kei still didn’t get it.

“No?” he said quietly, his voice lilting at the end turning it into a question, “Should I?”

The three of them nodded at him in unison and began to explain that girls were pretty and soft and smelled good but Kei didn’t know why that meant he should like them. He looked around the room at the girls in his class, none of them made him feel anything.

Lunch ended and he was saved from more questioning.

That night he waited for Akiteru to come home from volleyball practice at Karasuno. Aki greeted him with a smile like he always did and they talked about his practice. But Aki was a master at reading his brother, he could tell by the way he clenched and unclenched his fists that something was bothering him.

In the backyard they passed a volleyball back and forth, “Is there something else you want to ask me?” Aki asked after Kei didn’t speak up.

Kei dropped his hands and the ball flew by him, “Do you like girls?” he blurted out.

“Of course I do,” Akiteru went to retrieve the ball even though it was closer to Kei, “Why are you asking?”

“What does that mean?” he demanded.

The ball slipped from Aki’s fingers when he tried to pick it up, “Um… it means I find them attractive and if I really like them I want to kiss them. It’s different from being friends, you can feel it in your heart.”

Kei frowned and covered his heart with his hand. He was barely understanding friendship and now there was something different than that he was supposed to understand too. “Am I supposed to like them?”

“Well…. Yeah,” Aki offered, “but it’s fine if you don’t right now. It’s a puberty thing.”

Kei’s frown deepened. Others in his class were talking about liking girls, and he didn’t feel like he was behind on puberty. He was the tallest person in his grade, at least.

“Am I weird?”

He looked up at Aki with such honest eyes that he couldn’t help but grab his baby brother and pull him into a hug. Kei tensed at the unexpected contact but calmed under his brother’s touch. “You’re perfectly normal.”

* * *

When Kei was thirteen his world fell apart.

He went to his brother’s game hoping to see his idol in action. But when he found him in the stands Kei felt like his world stopped. He was with it enough to turn around and leave but as soon as he left the gymnasium he froze.

Yamaguchi waited next to him, assuming that Kei was processing his feelings and needed a moment, but as time went on he got nervous. His first reaction would have been to get Aki but he was worried that would make it worse. Instead he took Kei’s elbow and led him. Kei willingly followed but he didn’t respond to being spoken to.

Yamaguchi led them to his house. He handed Kei a cup of water and he brought it to his lips mechanically, but after a few sips he seemed to shake whatever was wrong.

Kei looked around, “How did I get here?” he asked in such a quiet voice Yamaguchi was afraid he was going to cry.

“I, um, led you here after you spaced out,” Yamaguchi rubbed the back of his head nervously.

“Oh,” Kei’s cheeks turned pink, “you saw that. I dissociated.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

Kei’s cheeks burned hotter, “it’s like I space out and I’m not here anymore. It only happens sometimes. Sorry, I’m weird.”

Yamaguchi shook his head, “It’s not weird! It’s fine!” He tried to reassure his friend but Kei didn’t believe him.

Kei spent the night at Yamaguchi’s house. Yamaguchi treated him a bit more delicately, he was afraid Kei was going to do that thing again, but as the hours went on he got back to normal. Kei was relieved, he didn’t want to be too weird to have friends.

When he returned home he stood outside Aki’s door and saw him crying. Akiteru always cried easily. Kei debated talking to him but he felt anger and disappointment bubble in his chest. He walked away instead.

He had firmly believed that Akiteru was the ace of Karasuno and he never questioned why he wasn’t allowed to go to any of his games. It was stupid, he thought, he was smarter than that. He should have suspected that something was off. Aki loved showing off, he especially loved showing off to Kei. In hindsight he should have known that he was lying.

* * *

When Kei was fourteen he didn’t care if people didn’t like him. It was easier when they kept their distance, and by now most did, but occasionally someone would try and talk to him and he would have to brush them off. Akiteru once told him that people leave you alone if you have headphones on, so Kei took to carrying around headphones wherever he went just in case he needed to block anyone out. He didn’t expect that he would always want to block everyone out. People, he found out, were a lot of work, and he didn’t want to put in the work of maintaining those relationships.

What was the point? Every relationship he saw or had fell apart. His brother had fallen from grace. His father had left. His mother had withdrawn. If people were always going to hurt him, why would he put himself out there to get hurt? He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how to protect himself.

But maybe that’s why he was lonely. As the other middle school students loudly talked with their group of friends about what high schools they were applying to, Kei sat by himself. Sure, he had Yamaguchi, his one and only friend, but he wasn’t in his class this year. So while other children mulled around and laughed and joked with their friends, Kei sat at his desk with his headphones placed firmly on his ears, dulling the sounds even if no music was being piped in.

It wasn’t always easy being by himself, even if he decided that was what was best. Other children looked like they were having fun. He was jealous that they could be so carefree, that they could be so unafraid of getting hurt. But they were so naive. He was so much safer.

He didn’t care if they thought he was weird.

Again, like the last few days, the conversation in the classroom turned to what high school everyone wanted to go to. Groups of friends wanted to stay together but they had different goals and opinions on what to focus on. Kei only half listened to them debate among themselves. Until, that is, Karasuno was brought into the mix.

One of his classmates also had a brother on the Karasuno volleyball club when Akiteru was playing, although playing was a strong word. He tried to ignore the eyes he felt on him, like they were worried he was going to explode at the name. He was beyond that. Akiteru was at college now, they hadn’t spoken in a long time, and Kei had a lid on his emotions.

Which was why shoved to the bottom of his bag was the worksheet where they were supposed to fill in their top three high school picks. It was the only assignment of the year that Kei didn’t turn in. But still, in the number one slot was Karasuno, in handwriting so messy it was hard to recognize as his own. Yes, he had a lid on his emotions.

* * *

Emotions were dumb.

He liked it better before he read up on feelings and he didn’t understand anything. (The self-help books were shoved under his bed where no one would find them.) He found out that he might be very emotional, even if he was bad at showing it, but he didn’t like that, feelings only ever got hurt.

Because of those stupid books, when Kei found himself looking at one of his classmates during gym class, he understood it as attraction.

What he didn’t understand was why he was looking at a male classmate. Over the years he had listened to his classmates talk about girls, he listened to Yamaguchi groan about how hard it was to talk to them, but he never understood. He nodded and played along but girls never clicked in his brain like math or English did.

No matter how many times he tried to look away his eyes always wandered back. He didn’t want to get in trouble for staring. It was easier when he tried to focus on the game they were playing, but in the brief moments he had free time, his eyes strayed.

Boys, it turns out, can be pretty too. And maybe that was it, he thought, some boys can be so pretty that you’re tricked into thinking they were girls. He knew that any day now he would look at a girl and feel his heart beat harder. But for now… for now he could pretend that nothing was there.

He shoved his feelings down, he was weird enough already.

On the walk home from school he drafted a text to Akiteru asking if it was okay to like boys. But he deleted the message before he could send it.

* * *

When he took his first step into Karasuno as an official student, Kei considered turning around and going back home. His bed would welcome him and not judge him for his actions or mistakes or misdeeds. His bed was safe.

As if reading his thoughts, Yamaguchi appeared and put his hand on his bag to prevent him from bolting. He wouldn’t have done anything as uncool or attention grabbing as turning and running, but he would have done a discrete about-face and casually returned the way he came.

“I was going to say people look a lot bigger in high school but I guess that’s not true,” Yamaguchi grinned up at him.

A lot of the other students looked more mature than him even if they only had a year or two on him but he towered over many of the students, especially the girls. Some of them even pointed and whispered as he walked by and it made his desire to shrink back into bed increase tenfold. Maybe it was egotistical to think that they were talking about him, but if they weren’t part of certain sports circles, it was possible he was the tallest high school student they had ever seen.

He didn’t want the attention.

“Hey you!” Kei heard someone yell from so far away he didn’t even stop to consider they could possibly be talking to him until they ran up to him and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Have you considered joining the basketball club?”

Another student chased after him, “Leave him alone! You can’t harass every tall person you see! He’ll join if he…” but when he finally caught up to them he stopped and looked up at Kei and immediately lost his train of thought.

“I know!” The first guy exclaimed, “but we could really use a guy this tall, even if you don’t know the rules we could teach you.”

Kei picked up the other student’s hand with two fingers and dropped it so he was no longer touching him. He didn’t need this, he didn’t want these people to pay attention to him. He looked back at the entrance gate but Yamaguchi discreetly kicked his shoe.

“Tsukki plays volleyball,” he supplied helpfully from his side. Kei glared at him, he didn’t want to prolong this conversation.

“Volleyball,” he practically whined, “But our team isn’t even any good anymore!”

Kei had finally had enough of this stupid encounter. He wanted to find his classroom and sit down and get the rest of the day over with so he could finally go home. He walked straight through the basketball players, shoulder checking them as he did so. “I’m still not going to join your team.”

High school was already exhausting.

* * *

Kei stared down at the blank club form. His first instinct was, of course, to write down the volleyball club. That’s why he came to this school, to follow in his brother’s footsteps. Sort of. To do better than his brother sounded too egotistical. Redeem him, maybe? Truth be told, he didn’t know why he was there.

The blank form taunted him, maybe he could just shove it to the bottom of his bag and forget about it. He didn’t need to join a club. He could join the math club instead.

“History club?” he heard Yamaguchi mumble from a few seats down, “I’m terrible at history. I hate history. Why did I write down the history club?”

Kei watched as he furiously erased what could have been a terrible mistake. He’d probably hate the math club too, no matter how good he was at it. Math made sense, it was easy, there was always a way to get to the solution. The numbers would never run and hide or betray him. Maybe they would turn into letters but those were just as easy to understand. Math had solutions. People were so complicated.

He wrote down ‘volleyball club’ before he could regret anything.

“C’mon, Yamaguchi, I want to hand this in before the first bell.”

Yamaguchi stood up so quickly he knocked over his chair, “What club are you joining?” he asked anxiously as he trotted besides his best friend. Kei flashed him the paper, not able to say the words out loud, afraid of jinxing it or immediately taking it back. Yamaguchi smiled up at him, “Me too. I look forward to being your teammate again.”

Kei nodded at him at once and focused his attention forward. The sooner they could drop off the forms the sooner he could pretend he did so with complete confidence.

* * *

After class Kei wanted to slip on his headphones and walk home like he had the first few days, but Yamaguchi was adamant that they at least make an appearance at the gym even though club activities hadn’t officially started yet. He had heard that they were unofficially practicing and wanted to see. Kei knew that his friend was too shy to go on his own so he went along, but he dragged his feet all the while. There was no reason to practice outside of scheduled practice time, or else what was the point of scheduling time at all.

The members of the Karasuno volleyball club stared at them when they entered. It was uncomfortable and made him want to shrivel up and hide in his sweater. Yamaguchi didn’t seem to notice the attention but Kei could feel all of their eyes analyzing them. He wondered if they saw him as anything other than ‘tall’. He wondered, if he was in their position, if he would see himself as anything other than tall.

The captain and vice-captain were the first to approach them, there was no coach or faculty advisor present so they held the most seniority in the room. Daichi and Suga introduced themselves warmly, immediately putting Yamaguchi at ease, but Kei was still stiff. Suga slapped him on the back as a greeting and Kei almost fell over, he wasn’t ready for the contact or the force. Suga packed a surprising punch.

Daichi seemed unusually relieved that the two of them were friends and former teammates and therefore knew how to play together but when he gave them a quick rundown about what happened with the other first year applicants it all clicked into place. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but snicker, but Kei locked onto the name Kageyama.

He had seen Kageyama play in their last middle school tournament, in fact Kageyama’s team had beaten them and sent them home. Kei didn’t think the King of the Court would be at the same school as him. He quickly glanced around the gym and counted the number of players already training. If Karasuno had someone like the King on their side, no matter how terrible his reign, what were the chances he suffered the same fate as Akiteru?

“Let’s go, Yamaguchi,” Kei turned around and headed for the gym door.

Yamaguchi floundered as he looked back and forth between Kei and the captain, “But… but… don’t you want to stay and practice for a bit?”

Kei looked over his shoulder and frowned, “I agreed to make an appearance before official practices started, I didn’t agree to that.”

“Oh,” he deflated, “Okay.”

Yamaguchi waved to Daichi and Suga and loyally followed his friend out. They almost missed the quiet comment about his bad attitude. Almost. But Kei didn’t care, they could think he was a terrible person if they wanted, he just needed to get home.

Home was quiet until he got to his room and put on one of his playlists. It was early enough in the school year that he could complete most of his homework during their lunch break so now that he was home he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He had the house to himself for at least another few hours, his mother had picked up a job and was staying there later and later recently. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw her besides a quick goodbye in the morning.

The volleyball on his desk taunted him.

He hated the thing. It used to be Akiteru’s; He couldn’t bring himself to get rid of it. The ball was filled with backyard memories but they were all overshadowed and replaced with betrayal. A thin layer of dust had set over the volleyball, it had been a while since he last touched the thing, and he figured it would be a while before he touched it again. It’s not like he was worried about keeping it pristine.

An uneasiness ran through his body, like a sudden jolt of energy that he couldn’t shake, and against his better judgement he changed out of his school uniform and into clothes better suited for running. By the time he was at his front door slipping his shoes back on he wondered if this was a stupid idea but he could still feel that vibration under his skin and he needed to get it out.

He locked up behind himself, not bothering to leave a note or send a message about where he was going, figuring he was going to be back before his mother got home anyway, and ran. He regretted it almost immediately.

Kei hated running. There was a difference between running up and down the court after a ball with the singular focus of not letting it drop and running on the side of the road. Running on the side of the road was boring and even with headphones there was a distinct lack of stimulus. But he could still feel the static telling him he needed to keep moving, even if his legs and head and heart didn’t want to. So he kept going.

Eventually he ended up by a park between his house and the high school. There was a small track there and he could run loops until he tired himself out without having to worry about watching for traffic or tripping over uneven pavement. At this time of night the park would be empty except for other stray joggers trying to get in their workouts, but besides that he knew he would be left alone. It would be peaceful.

“One more!” a voice echoed in the distance.

Kei looked around as he jogged into the park, or maybe it wouldn’t be peaceful. He really hoped that whoever was yelling would keep it down or that they weren’t close to the track.

“You idiot! Look what you did!” another voice joined in.

He sighed, great, there were two of them.

Kei rounded the corner and wondered if it was still worth going to the track. Then, in the distance, he saw a shadowy figure launch himself into the air to try and reach something stuck in a tree.

They looked like they were flying.

Kei felt his heart clench in his chest but he didn’t know why. He turned around and went home.

* * *

Yamaguchi dragged him back to the gym again in the morning. Daichi and Suga were visibly surprised to see him but he didn’t blame them, he was equally as surprised to be there.

“Good, you’re back,” Daichi greeted them, “You ran out before I could explain one last thing.”

“Sorry,” Yamaguchi mumbled as he rubbed the back of his head. Kei didn’t say anything, simply waited to hear what he had missed the first time around.

“Right, we’re going to have a 3-on-3 match with all of the first years to evaluate your skills.”

Kei looked around, “There are only four first-years,” he cut in.

Daichi nodded, “Correct. You two will be on a team with me and the other two will be on a team with Tanaka,” he pointed to a very tired looking second-year, “the game will be this weekend. Any questions?”

Kei shook his head no. He could see the fire in Yamaguchi’s eyes, like he had something to prove to this captain that they didn’t know. Pathetic. He had done his research and found out that the team’s numbers were small, not even enough people for a full bench of players. If this was an audition they didn’t have to try very hard, they simply needed the bodies.

After school he refused to stop by the gym. Official practice hadn’t started yet and he wasn’t going to go if he didn’t need to be there. He didn’t actually say that Yamaguchi couldn’t join their teammates but in the end his friend decided to walk home with him.

But first they made a detour through the park. Kei didn’t mean to go there and Yamaguchi simply trailed after him, curious of where they were going. It wasn’t until they heard the familiar sound of a volleyball hitting skin did he realize that they were off track. It was the same park that he ran to the night before and he mentally cursed himself for not paying attention to where his feet were taking him.

Just like last night there were two people yelling at each other.

When he finally saw them, Kageyama was instantly recognizable. Kei glanced at the other boy, small and brightly colored, and decided to pay him no mind. He was hard to look at, and whoever he happened to be was insignificant compared to the King-- just like the rest of them.

Kei went out of his way to taunt Kageyama, to get under his skin. It was surprisingly easy to make him bluster and tick, it almost wasn’t fun. Kageyama wasn’t as pretentious as Kei thought he would be-- for all the yelling he did he was almost reserved. He remembered what happened during his last match but he didn’t think that Kageyama would actually learn something from it.

But Kei didn’t let that stop him. He tossed their ball up in the air and caught it easily. He repeated the motion while he ran his mouth and Kageyama turned red in the face at his taunting. He wasn’t here to make friends, he didn’t want to be part of a team. He didn’t know what he wanted but whatever he was doing right here was making him feel... something, and that was good enough for now.

And then the other boy, Hinata Shoyou-- he would later loudly declare himself, jumped in front of him for the first time and snatched the ball from above his head.

Kei paused mid-word. In all his years of watching volleyball he rarely saw other people jump like that, and never from up close. It would be stupid to say it took his breath away, because it was just a jump and Kei who was so much taller could reach so much higher, but it managed to steal the air from his lungs. He felt the same tightening in his chest as last night.

“I’m here too!” Hinata yelled at everyone and no one, frustrated that he was being ignored.

Kei looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time and Hinata withered under his intense gaze. He wanted to be acknowledged but he didn’t know how to take such a look. All Kei could see was short and bright and intense. It was already getting dark out and under the light of the streetlamp he glowed. He was hard to look at but Kei found himself staring.

Maybe it was the comparison to the Little Giant and how he had more competition for a starting spot on a team he still wasn’t sure he wanted to be on, or maybe it was because he found himself thinking about and comparing himself to his brother way too much today. But maybe it was something else entirely. He didn’t want to think about it.

Hinata dropped the ball and put up his fists like he was getting ready for a fight, “Do you wanna go?” he asked, bouncing from foot to foot, obviously nervous.

Kei sneered at him, “C’mon Yamaguchi, this shrimp isn’t worth our time.”

Yamaguchi quickly looked between Kageyama, Hinata, and Kei a few times before shrugging and joining his friend again, “Okay, Tsukki.” He wasn’t sure what exactly his friend was thinking or what went down, but that often came with the territory of having a closed off best friend. He’d find out eventually.

* * *

Kei decided he hated Hinata. He was loud, all he did was shout about one thing or another like he had never heard of the phrase inside voice. He could almost believe that no one had ever told him to be quiet before, or to think before he spoke, because it seemed like every little thought that came to his mind had to come out of his mouth. It was infuriating.

Hinata yelled about how he was going to be the ace and how they shouldn’t just pay attention to Kageyama. “I’m here too!” he yelled again, just like back at the park. But the thing was, he didn’t have the skill to back up his big words and larger than life bravado. On his first spike attempt Kei easily blocked him. He barely needed to try. Kei’s height was always going to win out over Hinata’s willpower, or whatever it was that he had.

While Hinata, Kageyama, and Tanaka took a moment to have a team meeting (read: yell at each other some more), Kei took the time to finally look harder at Hinata, there was something about him that Kei fundamentally didn’t understand.

Was it his drive? There was no reason for Hinata to be playing volleyball. He was short, he had terrible form, from the few volleys they had Kei could already tell that he had no game sense. He overheard that Hinata didn’t play at all in middle school, was he simply upset that he didn’t get a chance to play with children his own size?

Was it his passion? Because a passion burned behind Hinata’s eyes that hurt Kei to think about. He tried so hard and he wasn’t going to get anywhere when there were people like Kei who could roll up practically twice his height and shut him down without trying that hard. His passion would be crushed under large volleyball shoes and then what would he do? He didn’t seem like someone who would have a backup plan. Hinata would simply collapse under his own hubris. His fighting spirit was overwhelming.

Was it his ability to keep getting back up? His ‘I’m here too’ still rang in Kei’s ears. His refusal to go unnoticed still burned his skin. Why would he bother getting up again and again if he was just going to get knocked down over and over. If he had any intelligence he would eventually stay down, right? He must be an idiot. He looked like an idiot.

Was it that Kei didn’t know him at all and he could feel that itch under his skin again?

The idiot trio stopped yelling at each other and turned their attention to their actual opponents. Kei could feel Hinata’s sharp eyes looking at him, he would almost believe that Hinata was analyzing him but he hadn’t proved to be that smart. It still unnerved him.

Kei managed to block him multiple times. The sting on his hands that usually felt so good didn’t hold the same satisfaction. But that didn’t stop him from smirking at his small opponent and riling him up. Hinata rose to the bait and yelled more about he was going to win with his own body.

And then Hinata got a spike past him. Not just any spike, an amazing spike.

His head spun as he tried to add in this new information. He already knew that he had a well above average jumping ability but the ability to pull something like this off as well was something else entirely. Kei stared at him. Just who was he?

Against all odds he lost the match. The captain even told him that he took the game seriously. Kei wanted to scoff be he held it in by taking a large gulp of water. He could feel Yamaguchi’s eyes on him, like he was working up the courage to ask something he didn’t think he should. Kei didn’t know what it was but he wished he wouldn’t ask.

Hinata marched up to him and held out his hand.

“What’s this?” Kei asked condescendingly.

“We’re supposed to shake hands before and after a match,” Hinata held out his hand more forcefully.

Kei looked down at him, “No, thanks.”

Hinata growled at him, actually growled at him, “We need to or else the captain will kick us out for not showing teamwork!”

“No,” he sighed, “you just didn’t listen to him.”

He thought that was going to be the end of that but Hinata tackled him to try and grab his hand. Kei jumped back, completely taken aback at his brazenness. Hinata grabbed and pulled at his shirt and arm to try and get at his hand. Kei fought to keep his hand away but Hinata tried to climb up his side which made Kei’s skin crawl and in his hesitation Hinata managed to shake his hand.

Yamaguchi snickered behind him but when he noticed Kei’s face he quickly apologized.

“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi asked hesitantly, “are you okay?”

He grit his teeth, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You seem…” he trailed off.

“I’m fine,” he shot back more sharply.

Yamaguchi didn’t seem convinced.

* * *

Weeks ago Kei noticed some of the upperclassmen sneaking away to the roof. Students weren’t supposed to be up there, it was a safety hazard according to the teachers, but if they jammed the door in a specific way then it would open without any problems letting them have that extra little breath of freedom.

The roof had a fence around the perimeter so it wasn’t too unsafe but it was rocky and dirty. He could understand why they wouldn’t want students up there-- and the stray cigarette buts and discarded condoms told him exactly why the students wanted to come up there-- but Kei wanted to get away for a moment of peace.

In the last week or so girls had started to notice him. One had approached him in the hallway with a blush high on her cheeks and attempted to talk to him, not confess feelings, just talk to him, and she stuttered so hard he felt bad for her. She was in his class so he knew that she was smart, there was no reason for her to become a mess around him. Unfortunately she broke the dam. After one girl noticed her attempt to get close to him others tried the same. Now people were trying to talk to him.

Yamaguchi, the traitor, thought it was hilarious that the girls were so caught up in their fantasy of him that they couldn’t see he wanted nothing to do with him. (Although in private he admitted to being a bit jealous at all of the female attention he was receiving. Kei told him that he could have it.) Continuing his trend as a traitor, Yamaguchi couldn’t just laugh at him like a normal friend, no, he had to egg the girls on.

“What’s your favorite food?” one of the girls asked him the other day, he couldn’t even remember which, they all blurred together.

“Yeah, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi cooed, “Do you like sweets?”

Kei couldn’t remember the last time he glared at his friend so much. He deserved it though.

So the roof was a refuge. He slipped away before even Yamaguchi could ask where he was going because he wouldn’t put it past his so called friend to bring a gaggle of girls with him for his amusement. He took way too much joy in watching his best friend be tortured.

The weather hadn’t been great lately and Kei hadn’t noticed any one take the familiar path up to the roof over the last few days, seemingly turned off by the damp and dreary weather, but that was only a plus in his book. The less people there the better.

Kei pushed the door open and hurriedly closed it behind him lest he be caught and cornered for the entirety of his lunch period. He didn’t even bring any food up with him, and he would most likely pay for that during volleyball practice when fatigue hits extra early, but at that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He slumped against the door and let out a loud sigh.

“Rough morning?”

If he wasn’t leaning against the door Kei would have toppled over backwards at the intrusion. Instead he mentally cursed at himself for not checking to see if anyone else was on the roof, he assumed it was empty but he knew better than to assume anything.

He looked across the roof and met Hinata’s curious gaze. Kei groaned, of course he would run into Hinata when he was looking for some peace and quiet.

“What are you doing up here?” he asked instead of explaining he was hiding from half of his class.

Hinata held up the paper in his hand, “I got a 2 on my last math quiz. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my mom! Math is so hard!” He began to pace back and forth while scrutinizing the failed quiz.

Kei plucked the paper from his hand and quickly scanned it, “You failed this? This is basic math.” He knew that Hinata was an idiot but he didn’t think that he was that dumb. He didn’t think that anyone in high school could possibly be that dumb. “Is anything in your head besides volleyball?”

He tried to grab the paper back but Kei pulled it out of his reach, “Give that back! Shut up Meanie-shima. If you’re so smart show me how to do it!”

“What did you call me?” Did Hinata just give him a nickname?

“Meanie-shima, Meanie-shima,” he chanted, “please show me how to do this!”

Kei laughed, “You’re calling me mean and asking for help in the same breath? You really are an idiot.” He looked at the quiz again, “Didn’t you learn this like two years ago?”

Hinata scrunched up his nose and made a face at him, it was almost cute but Kei sharply looked away before he could finish that thought, “Maybe! But I don’t remember.”

He was about to make a dumb decision, he knew it. “Fine, I’ll show you how to do elementary school level math but you’re going to owe me a favor.”

“Fine!” Hinata put out his hand to shake on it but Kei ignored it in favor of finding a not disgusting place to sit. Hinata rolled his eyes at his refusal to shake hands again but sat down next to him.

When Hinata sat next to him, or more likely, threw himself next to him-- the boy did not go down gently-- Kei tensed up. Hinata pressed completely against Kei’s side so he could peer at the paper in his hands. His expression was almost as intense as it usually was on the court, he was concentrating hard on fixing this quiz. He either actually cared about his grades or worried about the wrath of his mother, Kei was willing to bet it was that second one.

Kei tried to calmly explain where he went wrong on the math problems but Hinata did not seem to understand the concept of personal space.

Maybe dealing with the girls would have been easier.

* * *

On rainy afternoons Kei had to drag himself to the club room to get changed. When the weather was bad he didn’t want to practice, he wanted to curl up under some blankets at home with a book until he fell asleep, lulled by the pitter-patter of raindrops and the cadence of the words. But instead he was trapped in a smelly room with a handful of smelly teenagers being forced to hit a ball over and over again.

Sometimes he considered quitting, yet every day he ended up back in the club room, rain or shine.

He stood blankly in front of one of the lockers. After he had officially joined the team they put a piece of masking tape on the door and wrote his name on it making it officially his. He wondered if his brother ever had his own locker. By now the others were most of the way through changing but Kei still hadn’t opened the door to retrieve his work out clothes. Any minute now he would do that, but the rain sounded so nice.

Yamaguchi nudged him, he knew how his friend could get. Kei looked over at him with tired eyes that clearly asked ‘do I have to?” but Yamaguchi smirked at him and nodded. Jerk.

Kei opened the door and rifled through the bag inside to find the clothes he needed to change into. His shirt was barely over his head when he felt a hand on his side.

“Wow, what are those?”

Kei tossed off his shirt and glared at Hinata who pulled his hand back like he had been burned. He knew the feeling, Kei could still feel the imprint of his hand on his side as well as the burning of his cheeks. Hinata had touched some of the worst of the stretch marks on his sides, reminders of how quickly he had grown and how little his body was prepared for it.

“Did something happen?” Hinata looked up at him with dumb and innocent eyes. He honestly didn’t know what they were and he genuinely seemed concerned for Kei’s health.

He stood frozen, unable to react. Luckily Yamaguchi stepped in and pulled Hinata a step away, “They’re stretch marks,” he explained quietly, “sometimes when your body grows too quickly your skin can’t keep up.”

“Nothing you’ll ever have to worry about,” Kei shot over his shoulder to try and break the tension. But as they made eye contact he could pinpoint the exact moment Hinata noticed he also had deep marks on his shoulders. He quickly put his shirt back on.

Hinata frowned at him, “I can still grow,” he paused like he was considering not asking his next question but then charged ahead because of who he was as a person, “Do they hurt?”

“Growing hurts,” he roughly undid his belt and tried not to show any hesitation, he had marks on his thighs as well and he didn’t want Hinata examining them, “these don’t hurt. They don’t look nice but they don’t hurt. Now leave me alone so I can get changed.”

He hesitantly reached out his hand like he was going to touch them again but pulled back at the last second. Hinata smiled up at him but it wasn’t his full force grin, there was something else behind it, “I think they look cool,” he said with a slight waver to his voice. But at least after that he turned to leave.

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Kei called after him.

His laugh, at least, was true.

* * *

They had a practice match with Aoba Josai, one of the top schools in the prefecture. Kei wasn’t as excited as everyone else. Seijou was a top school, Karasuno was nothing, they were sure to lose. No one should be so happy marching towards defeat. When Hinata got sick on the bus, all Kei could think was ‘he’s got the right idea.’

So he didn’t know why it bothered him so much to hear some players from Seijou badmouth Karasuno. They were past their prime, they were fallen champions. But the only thing worse than knowing something is true is having someone rub it in your face. When Tanaka tried to intimidate them, it was easy to stand behind him menacingly to add to his dangerous aura. It was almost fun. When they lost, he could at least look back at that moment and decide the trip was worth it.

During the first set, they were terrible. They couldn’t function as a team and it was laughable to match them up against someone like Seijou. When Hinata served the ball into the back of Kageyama’s head, Kei couldn’t help but burst out laughing, it was one of the greatest things he had ever seen. He filed that under ‘worth the trip’ as well.

They seem to get their act together and keep it together just in time for Oikawa to take to the court.

Oikawa targeted Kei. He targeted him again and again and he can’t manage to receive the ball. Kei took deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. He could see black tinge the corners of his vision as he grew more and more embarrassed. He chanted ‘breathe’ in his head, just because he didn’t want to be there didn’t mean he could check out right now.

The ball was returned to Oikawa and Kei quickly rubbed his eyes, he was going to stay, he was determined.

A whistle blew and the game was over. Kei missed how their last point was scored but his body seemed to move on its own and work with the team so he hoped nobody noticed anything wrong with him.

Everyone was happy and cheering about their victory over Seijou but Kei clenched his jaw and tried to shake off the residual embarrassment of being targeted. He didn’t want to play Seijou again. He ran through ways he could practice receiving.

He wished he could call Akiteru.

Yamaguchi sat next to him on the bus ride home and under the rumbling of the bus engine murmured, “Are you okay?”

Kei stiffened next to him. He recognized the tone of voice from when Yamaguchi saw him dissociate years ago. “Fine.” he says back, harsher than he meant to. But Kei needed to know if anyone else saw him and recognized there was a problem. He clenched and unclenched his fists and tried to bring up the words to ask.

But after many years of friendship Yamaguchi just about knew how Kei thought and what he worried about. All he said though, was “no”, and he answered the unasked question. A small amount of tension leaked from his shoulders but he was still overly tense.

Kei put on his headphones and tried to hide from the world.

* * *

“Tsukishima!” Hinata waved at him as he ran down the hallway.

Kei looked up to see just who was calling for him but when he saw Hinata he turned around and kept walking. He even picked up the pace a little bit in an attempt to get away. Whatever Hinata wanted to say to him he didn’t want to hear. It obviously wasn’t going to be something important.

While Kei took the ‘no running in the halls’ rule seriously, Hinata did not. He outright sprinted in order to catch up. When he finally reached his target he grabbed Kei’s arm and pulled him so he would turn around.

“No,” Kei said immediately.

Hinata frowned at him and let out a frustrated groan, “I haven’t even said anything yet!”

“Whatever you’re going to ask, the answer is still no,” Kei tried to pull his arm back so he could get away but Hinata tightened his grip. Kei tensed under the increased contact, he didn’t want to be touched.

Hinata began marching them in the direction of the club room, practically dragging Kei along with him, “Maybe I just wanted to thank you, because of you I got the highest math quiz score I ever had.”

Kei looked back over his shoulder and wondered just who it was he angered to get himself into such a situation, “Fine, you’re welcome. Let go of me.”

Hinata stopped short and turned to look up at Kei with serious eyes. Kei could practically see the fire burning behind them. It was unsettling. “So can you keep tutoring me?” The question was earnest and Kei could detect a small amount of pleading in his voice.

“No,” he said without thinking at all, again attempting to free his arm.

“Please!”

Kei threw his hands up in frustration, the movement was enough to get Hinata to drop his arm, “Ugh, fine, just go away.”

“Yes!” Hinata jumped in celebration, reaching high enough to make direct eye contact with Kei, “Thank you.”

“Whatever. We’re going to be late.” He walked quickly towards the club room but Hinata easily kept up with him. He was chattering on about something but Kei couldn’t hear him, he could only hear his inner voice telling him that he made a mistake. But he did nothing to rectify it.

* * *

His humiliation from the Aoba Josai match at the hands of Oikawa still burned deep. Receiving wasn’t something he could easily practice on his own and he hated asking for help. Kei, who was raised primarily by his brother and now was almost completely self-sufficient save for the money part, was terrible at asking for help.

Growing up he and Aki learned by doing, they never expected much help from their parents and after a certain age they never asked for it. Now, with Aki at college (and them not on speaking terms) and his mother mostly working, Kei kept himself on schedule and on task without ever asking for help. He kept the house tidy, bathed daily, and did all of his homework without any prompting. The only thing he was lacking in his day-to-day life was the ability to feed himself regularly. Sure, he could cook simple dishes but that didn’t matter when you often forgot to eat.

Apparently he was also lacking a crucial volleyball skill.

Days earlier he saw Hinata approach Nishinoya and ask for his help. Kei knew that he should ask too, it would be beneficial to himself as a player and the team as a whole. Not that he really cared about that, he just didn’t like being embarrassed.

Approaching Noya was harder than he thought it would be. For one he seemed to always be surrounded by people and Kei didn’t want anyone else to overhear him ask for help. And for another, his energy level and overexuberance was so close to Hinata’s that Kei almost disliked him based on that alone.

Finally he managed to catch Noya in one of the brief moments where he was alone. Noya sat on the floor and greedily drank his water bottle, determined to get every last drop. When Kei approached him, practically looming over him with an uncomfortable aura, Noya simply looked up at him curiously.

“Nishinoya… senpai…” he started stiffly before hiding his hands behind his back hoping none of his nervous ticks would get noticed.

Noya’s eyes sparkled and he leapt to his feet to talk to his junior, “Yes my tall kohai? Have you come to ask for help from the great Noya-senpai as well?” He put his hands on his hips and laughed loudly.

Kei grit his teeth and really had to stop himself from turning and walking away, “Yes. Receiving.” He seemed to have lost the ability to form full sentences but Noya didn’t seem put off in the least. Then again Noya was one of the people who understood Hinata when he was talking in ‘gyuuns’ and ‘hwaas’, so at least Kei was real words.

“Great, great!” he clapped his hands together, “Shoyou also asked me for help so we can all do it together.

Hinata was ecstatic to have him join them. He overflowed with such positivity that Kei found it hard to look at him, harder than usual even. But Hinata loved that his stoic teammate was also concerned about how they played and was willing to put in the extra practice so it didn’t happen again.

Noya was a terrible teacher. He couldn’t explain at all what he did to make himself a top-tier libero. His body simply moved on instinct and most of his instructions were akin to ‘just get behind the ball’ and ‘just do it’. Hinata, who spoke in fake words, was much better at following the vague directions. He could watch Noya for a little bit and learn something, which was a skill Kei didn’t have. He needed clearer direction.

Unfortunately since Nishinoya simply couldn’t explain himself any better, Hinata tried to do it instead.

“Gods, you are not trying to teach me right now,” Kei groaned after Hinata attempted to adjust his form.

Hinata stuck out his tongue immaturely, “Consider it payback for the tutoring.”

Kei stifled a laugh, “I don’t think payback means what you think it does. You mean payment.”

“Payback, payment, same thing!” He practically yelled back.

“Why are you so loud?” Kei took a few steps back so Hinata wasn’t screaming in his face, not that he could reach his face, “Let’s practice.”

Hinata grinned at him so widely and earnestly, Kei couldn’t prevent his cheeks from lightly turning pink.

* * *

Hinata was flying, as he often was. He ran across the court, jumped with all of his might, and slammed the ball down on the opposite side. Everyone on the Karasuno volleyball team was used to seeing such a feat by now that they no longer stopped and stared, but Hinata still jumped and pumped his arm in celebration. He tried to get Kageyama to give him a high-five but was rejected, as usual. Hinata took the rejection in stride and jogged back to position.

Kei studied him from the sideline. Hinata was still an unknown entity. His stamina and willpower were seemingly endless but he had very little game sense; he was an idiot. Even with all that he could do his form wasn’t the greatest and he wasn’t that powerful. But still Kei watched him like if he looked hard enough he would be able to sort it all out and everything would fall into place. Kei watched him because Hinata was an enigma.

“You’re staring,” Yamaguchi mumbled out of the corner of his mouth and lightly bumped his elbow to shake him of his concentration.

He glanced down at his friend, “I’m observing.”

Kei observed everyone on the court, he was familiar with how they moved and how they thought and he used that to form his own plans-- he wasn’t the best at picking up on their emotions, something that was apparently also important, but instead of using their emotions to judge their actions he could use their actions to judge their emotions. Except for Hinata, whose actions were so erratic Kei could never tell what was going on in his head.

To be fair, not much went on in Hinata’s head. But that made it difficult to understand him or anticipate what he was going to do. Kei guessed that even Hinata didn’t know what he was going to do next. He lived in the moment to the fullest extent possibly. To Kei’s over-analytical mind, he was infuriating.

“You’re going to rotate in soon,” Yamaguichi interrupted him again, “stare at him later.”

Kei glared at him, “I’m not staring.”

Yamaguchi hid his smile, “whatever you say, Tsukki.”

Kei rotated in and he could no longer think about what type of mystery his teammate was, his mind was preoccupied with blocking strategies and timings and how much he hated that Kageyama was pushing him. It was just a club, they didn’t need to try so hard. It wasn’t going to lead anywhere.

As he ran split second analyses on possible ball trajectories, he didn’t see the irony of complaining about trying too hard.

They lost their practice match and Kei was no closer to understanding Hinata.

* * *

Kei went home to an empty house. Even though he knew his mother and brother wouldn’t be around he still looked for them when he came home. The empty entrance hall left him feeling empty as well.

He walked around the kitchen and living room to pick up after himself from the night before. It didn’t matter if he did so though, it wasn’t like anyone was going to scold him for being messy. Either way he preferred some amount of tidiness. After making sure all rooms were clear he headed into his own room to start on his homework.

Kei sat at the low table in his room and spread out all of his books and supplies. He didn’t have much that he needed to do but he enjoyed putting everything away as he finished his work so he could physically see the amount he had left dwindling into nothing. Before he started he turned on his computer and selected a playlist.

The music was most likely the only noise the house was going to hear that night.

As he predicted his work didn’t take long and he silently wished for more. Without school work and studying he wasn’t sure how to entertain himself for the rest of the night. By now, he thought, he should be an expert at it, but still he found himself bored.

He walked around the house and peeked into various rooms. His brother’s room was mostly untouched and the rumpled sheets in his mother’s room was the only sign that she lived there. Besides his bedroom none of the rooms really appeared lived in. It would be like living in a museum if he didn’t think museums were much cooler than his house.

Kei sat in front of the television with the remote in handed and pretended that he was going to turn it on.

Time passed. He went to bed.

* * *

After practice Daichi announced he was going to treat them all to meat buns. It would have been easy for Kei to skip this team bonding experience but the shop was on his way anyway and he might as well get some free food out of it. At least that’s what he told himself.

Kei and Yamaguchi walked a few paces behind everyone, but the others were loud enough that they could still hear every word they were saying.

When the first group arrived Daichi went inside by himself so the entire team didn’t storm the place and cause a commotion. He came out again a few minutes later with enough buns for everyone to get one. Kei gratefully took the food that was offered to him and joined the circle that was forming around Daichi. The captain was getting ready to hold court.

After everyone was served Daichi clapped his hands together to get all of their attention. “Interhigh is coming up in a few weeks,” he started with a powerful voice that grabbed everyone’s attention, “and we’re going to win it all and go to Nationals!”

Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya loudly cheered and hollered. Daichi shot them all a look and they quieted down.

“Let’s keep in top shape and do our best,” he made eye contact with each and every one of them, “I believe in all of you. We can do it!”

“Wow, Daichi,” Suga laughed, “It’s almost like you’re the captain.”

Kageyama made a confused face, “he is the captain.”

Suga laughed loudly and reached over to ruffle Kageyama’s hair-- he was always physically affectionate with everyone, “It was a joke my precious kohai.”

“Was it funny?” he tilted his head slightly and asked with no hint of malice.

Kei and Yamaguchi snickered lightly besides him. “Who knew the King was so dense,” Kei said so only Yamaguchi and Kageyama would hear.

Kageyama glared at him but before he could say anything Daichi stepped between them, “We have to be on our best behaviour if we’re going to win at Interhigh and get to Nationals,” he gave them a long, hard look.

They nodded.

* * *

They didn’t win.

During the match with Date Tech they kept getting stuffed by their iron wall but in the end they managed to break through and win. Daichi wanted them to carry that energy over to their match with Aoba Josai but with Oikawa leading the team it was completely different from their practice match.

There were moments during the match with Seijou that Kei actually thought they were going to win. He successfully blocked their ace, Iwaizumi. Kageyama listened to him about how he wanted the ball set and in return he listened to Kageyama about who Oikawa would set the ball to in a key moment. He repeatedly pulled off feints until they were expecting it and he slammed one down on the other side. The match was almost satisfying.

And then the ball dropped on their side of the court and the match was over. As if gravity became too much for Karasuno to handle, almost the entire team fell to their hands and knees. They never actually expected to lose. Kei remained standing as he watched Oikawa’s smug face and listened to his teammate’s cries. He couldn’t feel anything, he could feel too much.

He didn’t know when he began to care.

Daichi, Coach Ukai, and Takeda-sensei shuffled them off of the court and on to the bus. Ukai tried to tell them that they were going to make a stop before going back to the school but no one was really listening to him.

On the bus Asahi sat next to him. Yamaguchi shot Kei a confused look but Kei simply shrugged, he had no idea why Asahi chose to sit there. Yamaguchi took the seat across from them instead.

When the bus started most people dozed off and Kei wanted to put his headphones on but he waited. It was obvious that Asahi wanted something from him so he could wait for him to start. Kei watched as Asahi opened and closed his mouth a few times with false starts. He waited and hoped that it wouldn’t take too long.

“Do you feel inferior to Hinata?” he whispered suddenly.

Kei didn’t expect that, he wasn’t even sure how to process the question. He stared blankly at Asahi until the older boy grew uncomfortable.

He rubbed the back of his head, “You feel like you’re in his shadow, right? But you two have different strengths,” he looked Kei in the eye but seemed nervous, “You’re both middle blockers but you’re not on the court to bide time until Hinata is at the net again. You bring something important to the team.”

Kei bit back a reply of ‘yeah, height’ and looked out the window.

Asahi placed a large hand on his shoulder and Kei tensed, he wanted this conversation to be over, “Just because he shines doesn’t mean we all can’t shine as well. I’ll switch with Yamaguchi now.”

Kei nodded once even though he wasn’t sure if Asahi was still looking.

He felt some shuffling around and soon the familiar presence of Yamaguchi was at his side. His friend looked between the two of them trying to figure out what went on between the two of them. Kei shrugged because he didn’t want to talk about it and luckily his friend accepted that as an answer.

The bus pulled into a closed restaurant and Coach Ukai was knocking on the door before everyone could drag themselves off the bus. An older woman grumbled as she opened the door but saw it was Ukai knocking and her face softened as she let them all in. She led them to the back of the restaurant where they pushed two tables together and again they collapsed under the weight of their loss.

The woman wouldn’t let them order anything, she simply began cooking whatever she deemed fit and soon the restaurant was full of delicious smelling food. As a testament to how upset everyone was, they didn’t make a sound. There was no chatter at all as the table was set and multiple dishes were brought out. Even as the table was filled with food, no one moved to take anything.

Coach Ukai stood up and they listlessly looked up at him. He told them that they worked hard and he was proud of them. Sniffles were heard around the table. He told them to eat and repair their bodies and grow stronger so next time they could win. Those who were holding back tears let them fall freely.

Slowly everyone started reaching for food and filling their plates. It was good. They were hungry-- for food, for victory, they were hungry.

Kei stared down at his plate. He was the only one not crying, he couldn’t show what he was feeling.

A dumpling appeared on his plate. He looked up and Hinata nodded at him. Kei mouthed a thank you.

* * *

Kei wasn’t positive how it had happened, but Hinata roped him into tutoring him one day a week during lunch and one day a week after practice. So somehow Hinata ended up coming to his house every Thursday. While Tuesday’s lunch time tutoring also included Yamaguchi and Kageyama, only Hinata went to his house. (Yamaguchi was practicing his jump float serve and Kageyama straight up refused to go to his house.)

Most of the time when they arrived at the Tsukishima household no one was there. Before opening their books and getting down to business Hinata usually required something to eat. Kei found that out after the first time Hinata followed him home and complained incessantly that he couldn’t possibly concentrate on work with an empty stomach. Luckily any type of food was enough to make him happy but it did mean that Hinata was extremely comfortable in his kitchen. It was odd to watch him flit from cupboard to refrigerator and pull ingredients like he lived there-- Kei, of course, outright refused to cook for him. He didn’t know if it was something he would get used to.

This time though, when they walked in the door Kei noticed his mother’s shoes in the entryway. Hinata didn’t notice them and made his way to the kitchen.

“Oh,” his mother looked up from her laptop, “Kei. You’re home early. And you brought a friend.”

Kei stood up a bit straighter, “I usually get home at this time; you are home early,” he gestured to Hinata, “This is Hinata, he is my teammate and I’ve been helping him study.”

“It’s good that you have a friend other than Tadashi,” she smiled at Hinata, “nice to meet you.”

Hinata bowed and returned her greeting as he tried to discreetly look between Kei and his mother like he was trying to figure something out.

“We will be in my room,” he grabbed Hinata’s arm and tried to drag him away before he could insist on going to the kitchen. Kei resolved himself to dealing with Hinata’s complaining but the other boy was oddly quiet.

“Kei,” his mother said before they could make their escape, “you’re looking very skinny, have you been eating?”

Kei froze in place and took a deep breath, he didn’t want to have this conversation at all, let alone in front of Hinata. She was barely around so who was she to comment on his eating habits? He turned to face her again, keeping his grip on Hinata’s arm, “I’ve always been like this and I have been eating. We’re going now.”

He prepared himself for dragging Hinata down the hall away from the kitchen but at the first tug Hinata went with him without putting up a fight. Kei still didn’t let go and kept a grip that was maybe on the wrong side of too tight, but again Hinata said nothing about it and went willingly.

Once in his room he let go of Hinata and closed the door softly behind him. He looked at his feet and concentrated on stopping the loud ringing in his ears and tried hard to stay present. Hinata took a seat at the low table and waited for Kei to compose himself. Kei didn’t know that Hinata knew how to be considerate, but Hinata simply took out his books and pretended to look over a worksheet until Kei was ready to join him.

After a few long moments Kei joined him at the table and took out his own school work, “What do you need help on?” his voice was shakier than he wanted it to be but he managed to look Hinata straight in the eye. He wished he didn’t though because Hinata was openly worried about him. He knew it was only a matter of time before Hinata asked just what happened with his mother.

Hinata managed to keep his mouth shut while they went through math and English but after that his stomach growled loudly and he looked longingly towards the door. He wasn’t going to ask for anything though, even he could read a room and knew it would be more trouble than it was worth.

Kei sighed loudly and dug a protein bar out of his school bag. Hinata lit up when Kei handed it to him and ripped into it eagerly. Watching Hinata eat was always an experience.

“So…” Hinata started with his mouth mostly full of protein bar, “why does your mom not know what you look like or if you eat.” It was amazing that Hinata could sound worried while talking with his mouth full.

Kei dug his nails into his palm before relaxing his hand and putting them flat against the table, “She’s not around a lot,” he managed to get out before closing up. He didn’t need to tell Hinata anything about him. But Hinata continued to look at him with big worried eyes and a frown that meant he was thinking hard.

“Who takes care of you?” he asked softly.

“I do.”

“What?” Hinata slammed his hands on the table and stood up suddenly, “you have parents and a brother, why are you all alone here? And if you’re all alone you do know how to cook, right? Because you are too skinny,” he paced a few steps back and forth.

Kei rested his forehead on the table, ignoring how his glasses pushed into his face, “my mother works a lot, Akiteru is at college, and my dad left years ago.” It was easier to tell the table this than Hinata. He knew Hinata would keep pushing so it was better that he just come out and say it.

Hinata sat down next to him close enough that their arms were pressed together and their knees bumped, “and food?”

“You don’t need to worry about my health,” he scratched lightly at the table.

Hinata placed his cheek on the table so he was looking at Kei, “well too late, I’m worried. Should I feed you? I make lunch for Natsu all the time.”

“Please don’t,” he groaned. He turned his head to look at Hinata who was much closer than he expected him to be.

“Tsukishima,” Hinata said seriously, “take off your shirt.”

Kei blushed bright red and sat up quickly, “What? No! Why? You weirdo.”

Hinata tried to grab at his shirt but Kei pushed himself away in time, “No it makes sense! I want to see if any of your ribs are sticking out. How much food should I bring you?” He said as if it was a completely normal request.

Kei kept pushing himself away, “We change in the same room all the time, someone would have noticed already.”

That seemed to be enough to stop Hinata in his quest to disrobe Kei, “Okay,” he nodded decisively, “But I’m still going to bring you food.”

“Please don’t.”

* * *

Hinata, as it turned out, was not a liar. Every day for the next few weeks he slipped Kei a protein bar in the morning and tried to give him more food at lunch.

After a week of being fed, Yamaguchi was curious enough to ask what was going on. On their walk home together he fidgeted with the strap of his bag until he finally blurted out what he wanted to say.

“Why does Hinata keep feeding you?”

Kei let out a huge sigh, “he thinks I’m too skinny.”

Yamaguchi scrunched up his nose. That was not the answer he was expecting. “Are you friends now?” he asked curiously. He knew that the four first-years regularly ate lunch together but Kei hardly seemed friendly with Hinata or Kageyama. But then again he was still tutoring him.

“No, we’re not,” he said quietly, “he heard something he shouldn’t have and gave himself that responsibility.”

The two of them walked in silence for the next few blocks, “Tsukki,” he started hesitantly, “are you okay?”

Kei snorted then covered his mouth and nose with his hand, he didn’t mean to make such a noise, “I’m no different than before,” he said blankly, knowing full well the ambiguity of his statement.

Yamaguchi knew enough to not push for more, “Okay…”

The next day Yamaguchi watched his friends interact. He saw that after morning practice Hinata would hand Kei a protein bar and he even noticed that it had dried strawberries in it, so either Hinata guessed what he would like or found out about his preference. He saw that Kei would take it without a word but would nod slightly and immediately open it to eat on their walk to their classrooms.

He was a bit proud of his best friend for behaving so civilly.

During lunch Hinata would hand Kei a small container of food to go along with whatever Kei actually brought for lunch. After days of loudly complaining that he didn’t want it and Hinata didn’t need to do this, he took the container quietly and opened it alongside the rest of his food. Kei rarely ate everything that was in front of him but he did always try to eat what Hinata brought him so he could hand back an empty container.

Even with all of that, Hinata still tried to discreetly put more food in front of Kei. He was always caught but Kei gave up on arguing about that as well and simply let it happen. But he didn’t always eat the extra food.

Yamaguchi also noticed that Kageyama was unusually quiet about the subject. He occasionally rolled his eyes at the exchange but never commented. Yamaguchi wondered if Hinata told him not to make a scene.

Kei was looking a bit healthier but he would never admit that it was due to Hinata’s meddling.

* * *

The ball slammed out of bounds on the opposite side of the net. Hinata yelled in frustration, “One more!” He got back into position and waited for Yachi to throw the ball so Kageyama could set it.

Yachi threw the ball over her head, Kageyama positioned himself under the ball and perfectly set it for Hinata to spike. The sound resonated around the gym. It was in bounds this time but Hinata was still unhappy with it. “Tch, one more!”

“Do better!” Kageyama snapped at him. The three of them got back into position and tried it again.

Kei was watching from the sidelines, he had only slipped in because he forgot his pads earlier. He didn’t know what ‘do better’ meant but the freak duo both seemed to understand. From where Kei was standing the ball was hit well and with no players on the other side of the net he couldn’t tell how difficult it would have been to receive. It didn’t paint the line or fall in a back corner, but it looked like a decent quick attack.

Hinata solidly hit the ball again.

Kageyama rounded on him, “Are you sick or something? I know you can jump higher than that!”

“I’m trying to hit the ball harder,” he yelled back. “I can’t be the ace if I’m not powerful!”

Kei tried to replay the last few spikes in his head. He didn’t notice that he wasn’t jumping to his full height. If he wasn’t reaching his peak it was only by a small difference, hardly noticeable to anyone but the genius setter.

“Your speed and jumping are much better weapons,’ Kageyama threw a volleyball at Hinata who caught it easily, “Don’t worry about spiking power.”

“Don’t worry about spiking power,” he mocked, “Easy for you to say! You’re good at everything!”

“Yes.”

“Argh!” Hinata threw the volleyball back at him, “I need to add more power! More and more people are going to catch me so I need to make my spikes harder to receive!”

“No!” Kageyama yelled back, “You should focus on speed.”

Hinata threw his hands in the air, “you never listen to me.”

Kageyama threw the volleyball back again but Hinata dodged it, “because you’re an idiot.”

“I don’t need you saying that to me!”

Kei slipped out unnoticed.

* * *

Training camps were going to become the bane of his existence. He didn’t want to eat, breathe, and sleep volleyball multiple days in a row. He didn’t want to be stuck with volleyball freaks for multiple days in a row. Yet there he was.

They spent most of the day losing. In fact, that was too generous, they spent all day losing. After spending all day losing the last thing he wanted to do was extra practice with everyone else who was still way too hyped up. Yet there he was.

Kuroo had conned him into blocking practice and then repeatedly told him how terrible he was at it. Kei’s blood boiled, he kept repeating ‘it’s just a club’ to try and calm himself down but his ears rang at every insult and he could see black creeping into the corners of his eyes as tunnel vision began to set in.

Bokuto slapped his back and pushed the air out of his lungs but the jolt managed to restart his system. It didn’t matter though because Kuroo started running his mouth again and told him how inferior he was to Hinata. He didn’t need anyone telling him things that he already knew. Kei smiled an extremely fake smile and Kuroo seemed taken aback. But before anything else could happen between them more Nekoma players showed up and Kei made his exit.

The next day during training he could feel Kuroo’s eyes on him. It was uncomfortable and made his skin itch. He didn’t want to be observed so intensely and it definitely put him off his game.

At the end of the day he tried to slip away again but Yamaguchi of all people stopped him to yell in his face. After Yamaguchi said his peace Kei stiffly walked back to the third gym. He felt like he was on auto-pilot as he asked them why they tried so hard and after they gave their terribly confusing answers he wanted to leave but he was stopped again.

Hinata showed up looking for more practice since the King ditchen him and Kei got roped into a 3-on-3 game. It was almost exciting to be on the opposite side of the net as Hinata; he was looking forward to stopping him, even if he couldn’t do his freak-quick right now. The only problem was Kuroo was still watching him with an uncomfortable sharpness.

After way too many sets they left the gym and Kuroo grabbed his arm, “Tsukki, let’s chat.”

Kei pulled his arm away, “No thank you. And don’t call me that.”

Kuroo grinned lazily at him and easily let go of Kei’s arm, “it’ll be a quick talk.”

“This will go by faster if I just let you talk to me, won’t it?” he sighed.

“You got it!” Kuroo laughed too loud, “Now let’s go for a walk.”

“What is this about?” Kei groused.

At the same time Kuroo asked, “How long have you known you’re gay?”

Kei stopped in his tracks. What? What did he just say? Why would he think such a thing? Did he do something? Say something? Act a certain way? He felt the world start spinning and he desperately wanted to get off the ride. “I’m not…” he started.

Kuroo gave him a look that clearly said he didn’t believe him, “Look, Tsukki, I was watching how you play so I could give you more pointers and I noticed that you stared at your team’s shorty a lot. It was pretty subtle but I was watching closely.”

“Don’t call me that,” he replied weakly. It was the only thing he could think of to say back.

“What? Tsukki or gay?” he replied casually.

Kei glared at him, “both.”

Kuroo simply grinned back, “Ah, the inclusive or. Very nice,” he laced his fingers behind his head and looked up at the sky, “I’m bisexual myself. I didn’t think you were because you didn’t give time of day to any of the female managers, but I think your shorty is too.”

Kei pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, “I don’t care about you or him. I’m not anything.”

“Asexual then? You wouldn’t be alone with that either.” Kuroo kept his tone so even Kei wondered how he could do it while talking about such a topic, “but I still think shorty likes you, he gives you special attention.”

“Can you stop?” his eyes were still closed and he was trying to block out as much stimulation as he could to calm down, “I just need to…” his faltered and stumbled a few paces. Kuroo grabbed his arm to stabilize him and led him to the closest bench. Kei let himself be pulled along and his legs gave out when he reached the bench.

Kuroo looked around but no one was nearby, “Give me your water bottle, I’ll refill it. Stay here,” for once Kuroo sounded worried and Kei briefly wondered if that meant he won.

When Kuroo was gone the only sounds he could hear were crickets and his own breathing. It would almost be peaceful if his breathing wasn’t a touch too fast. He placed his head between his knees and covered his ears with his hands to try and block out the sound. With sight and sound mostly cut off he could feel the shaking in his arms lessen-- although he wasn’t even aware that it had started.

Someone had looked at him and figured out he wasn’t straight, Kei couldn’t allow himself to think that he was gay. He was different enough as it was with his inability to handle things without shutting down completely, he didn’t need this too. And what would his family think? As much as he tried to pretend he didn’t care what they thought, he didn’t want to give them another reason to reject them.

Akiteru most likely wouldn’t reject him. He wouldn’t abandon him no matter how much Kei tried to push him away. At least he hoped so.

A cold water bottle was pressed against his arm and a hand rubbed small circles on his back.

“Aki?” He looked up a bit dazed. It wasn’t his brother, it was way too orange.

Hinata shook his head, “Are you okay?” He asked wa too quietly to actually be Hinata, “I was looking for you and ran into Kuroo and he gave me your water bottle and told me where to find you.”

Hinata looked worried, he could tell even without his glasses. It wasn’t right that Hinata kept worrying over Kei.

“You look really pale. Paler than usual,” he kept going when Kei did nothing but stare blankly at him, “I saw you eat earlier so it’s not that.”

“How long have you been here?” Kei blurted out, interrupting Hinata’s rambling.

Hinata put a finger to his lips to think and Kei followed the movement, “a few minutes maybe? I tried talking to you when I got here but you didn’t respond so I rubbed your back and that calmed you down a bit but you didn’t snap out of it until the cold bottle touched you.”

Kei brought his gaze from Hinata’s lips to his eyes and blinked at him a few times, “you touched me and I didn’t notice?”

Hinata nodded, “You were really out of it. What…” he paused like he was reconsidering asking but pushed forward anyway, “what happened?”

“Kuroo ran his mouth,” he mumbled, “when I get too stressed I shut down.”

“What did he say to stress you out so much?” he asked without thinking but after a few seconds of quiet from Kei he began waving his hands wildly, “Wait. You don’t need to answer that. It might get you stressed again.”

Kei took a few sips from his water bottle, “Let’s go back. I’m exhausted.”

Before Kei fell asleep he promised himself that he would be more careful.

* * *

  
When Kei returned home from the training camp no one was home. It wasn’t surprising, he didn’t expect anything different. Coming home to a quiet house after practically living with his teammates for a few days made the house seem extra lonely.

But loneliness was what he was looking for. Multiple days cooped up with so many people had him on edge. He wanted to collapse into his bed and sleep until next week. Or wash up in his own bathroom by himself.

His bedroom was just as he left it. The bedsheets were slightly crumpled because he didn’t make it properly and there was a small pile of clothes in the corner that didn’t make it to the laundry. Seeing his mark on the room was calming, no matter how small it was. He lived here, in the rest of the house he simply existed. Sure he could probably extend out of his bedroom but then he ran the risk of being told off when someone came by.

Kei turned on his computer so he could start up one of his playlists and tried to drown himself in the music. For the past few nights he had been able to block out what Kuroo told him, but now that he was alone and there was no chance of anyone walking in on him, he stewed in them. He couldn’t get over the fact Kuroo was so comfortable saying words out loud that Kei had trouble even thinking about.

He threw around gay, bisexual, and asexual like they were nothing, like they didn’t mean anything to him. Then Kuroo came out to him, and gods, was he supposed to react to that a certain way? How did he react? It was all a blur, he couldn’t remember.

And he said he thought Hinata was bisexual as well. Did he just know that because he was too? Was Kei supposed to be able to identify-- he stopped that train of thought before it could come to fruition. But Kei had never seen Hinata be openly interested in a boy like he was with Kiyoko. Sure, he was weirdly close with Kageyama and openly admired every strong volleyball player he came into contact with, but that was probably professional admiration rather than romantic interest.

Kei didn’t want to think about Hinata that way. He didn’t want to think about anything at all but the word bisexual kept rolling around in his head like some kind of lifeline. If he could be… that, then there was still some chance at an average life. Even Kei could admit that he had never been interested in a girl, but he could only identify being interested in another boy once and his interest faded quickly. Maybe it was a fluke and he was a late bloomer.

Kei pulled himself out of bed and sat in front of a computer. He was going to do something he had never done before-- look at porn. He felt stupid typing the word ‘porn’ into his search engine but he did it anyway. It brought up way too many options in way too many categories. When he found a website that he was pretty sure wouldn’t destroy his computer he clocked to open it and was once again overwhelmed.

On the homepage there were screengrabs of popular videos so he clicked one at random after making sure it contained both a man and a woman.

The video opened on them kissing. He looked at their mouths and tried to think about what it would be like to kiss one of them, but neither of them seemed appealing. Kei skipped ahead in the video and watched the man take the woman’s breast in his mouth. He squinted at it, not exactly sure who that was supposed to be good for. Sure, he knew nipples could be erogenous zones but that still looked uncomfortable for everyone involved.

He skipped ahead again and the woman was on her knees giving the man a blowjob. As he watched the woman work he found himself growing interested. He bit the inside of his cheek and kept trying to focus on her and what she was doing but the more he tried the more he realized that he wasn’t at all interested in her. He was interested in what she was doing-- his mouth dried up when he came to the conclusion that it was something he wanted to do.

Kei closed the website and turned off his whole computer for good measure before throwing himself back on the bed. He stared at the ceiling and tried not to imagine what he just saw but himself in her place.

It wasn’t working.

Fuck. He was gay.

* * *

Kei tried not to dwell on his sexuality. He had volleyball and school to worry about, he didn’t need to add something else to his plate. But at lunch Hinata added food to his literal plate and smiled up at him and Kei was so fucked. He shoved the food in his mouth and tried not to stare and tried not to notice Yamaguchi staring at him. (And boy was he thankful that Yamaguchi knew to let him be more often than not.)

During class time he barely paid attention at all. Time passed and he hardly noticed. But it didn’t matter, he could easily catch up on his own in the comfort of his own bedroom. He just needed to get through the day and volleyball practice.

With the next tournament coming up and the sting of their last loss still all too fresh, volleyball practice was getting more and more intense. Kei found himself trying more than usual and everyone kept praising him because of it, it was weird. They saw and approved of a change that he was still uncomfortable with and unsure of. He wished, not for the first time, that he could talk to Akiteru.

Kei was leaning against the wall staring hard at his hands. His fingers were sore but it was a good feeling, it was grounding.

Hinata appeared at his side, “Are you okay?” he asked curiously. Kei wondered if he looked like he did that night at training camp, his mind was in so many places he wouldn’t be too surprised if he didn’t look that great.

“Fine,” his voice was too high, he cleared his throat and tried again, “I’m fine. I was thinking about volleyball.”

“Oh,” Hinata lit up and smiled brightly at him, “Good!”

Hinata bounded away back over to Kageyama and Kei watched him go. He was so fucked.

On the walk home Yamaguchi decided he had enough of letting Kei be. He at least waited until they were out of sight from their other teammates before starting the conversation, “So…” he hesitated, giving him a small out but Kei let him go, “you and Hinata?” He let the question dangle.

“Ugh,” Kei pushed his glasses up his forehead so he could run his hands down his face, “I think we’re friends.”

Yamaguchi openly laughed at him, “I guess that’s what you get for spending so much time tutoring him. I’m happy for you though.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Kei was much less happy.

* * *

They won the tournament.

It was exhilarating. It was painful. It was emotional. Akiteru was there.

Daichi got injured and Kei thought they were going to lose right then but Ennoshita managed to pull them all together and they won that match. Winning that though meant a long awaited rematch with Aoba Josai. Kei didn’t admit it but he was happy to have Daichi back on the court for the match against Seijou, no matter how well Ennoshita did.

Seemingly against all odds they beat Seijou. In an unbelievable reversal the ball dropped on the opposite side of the court and it was their opponents overtaken by the unforgiving force that is loss and gravity. They beat Oikawa and the wild card that was Kyotani.

Kei was convinced they were going to lose to Shiratorizawa but he was determined to stop at least a few of their ace’s spikes. He had promised to do as much.

They won but somehow Kei managed to feel like a failure. He only managed to stop Ushijima once and he got hurt in the process. His finger throbbed as he made his way to the bathroom to hide his frustrated tears. He wanted to do better, he was mad that he wanted to better, he was so mentally exhausted because he tried and still couldn’t succeed and this is why he didn’t want to try.

Kei slipped away while everyone was crying and celebrating so he could calm down. He was overly upset with himself and needed to be by himself.

So of course Yamaguchi showed up to yell at him again, screamed at him to not feel sorry for himself. It helped, surprisingly. Yamaguchi left and Kei took a moment to wash his face from the sweat and tears. He quietly laughed, he literally shed blood, sweat, and tears over this match. Who would have guessed that he would ever do something like that?

When he stepped out of the bathroom he walked right into Hinata. “Oh, sorry,” Kei mumbled and tried to get through but Hinata grabbed his shirt.

“I was looking for you! You did so good! You blocked Ushijima!” Hinata bounced lightly on his feet, “Why did you leave while we were celebrating? Why… do you look upset?” he tilted his head curiously.

Kei ran a hand through his hair, it was wet with sweat and stuck up awkwardly, “I wanted to do better,” he admitted quietly.

Hinata shoved him roughly, “You. Blocked. Ushijima.”

“Once,” he shot back, “I only did it once.”

Hinata laughed loudly at him and Kei flushed with anger, “You’re so different from the start of the year. If you want to go better, do better next time.” His eyes were so intense Kei believed that next time he could actually do better.

* * *

Akiteru hovered by the Karasuno bus waiting for Kei to show up. Kei stopped a few paces away and watched his brother, he looked nervous. It wasn’t a good look for Aki who was always so confident.

Kei came up besides him, “What are you doing here, Aki?” he flinched inwardly, he didn’t mean to sound so harsh.

Aki didn’t seem to mind, his whole face lit up and he pulled Kei into a hug, “Kei! You won! You guys beat Shiratorizawa! You blocked their ace! How’s your hand?” He bombarded Kei with his enthusiasm.

This was much more like his brother. Kei bit back a smile as he took a half step back, “My hand is fine,” he looked over at the rest of his team, “yeah, we won. How did you know to be here?”

“You think I don’t keep up on Karasuno volleyball?” Aki crossed his arms and looked jokingly disappointed at his brother, “especially with my baby brother as a starting player? I couldn’t get away from college and work before to come see you play but I took time off for you.”

Kei looked embarrassed, “Thanks.”

Akiteru gripped both his arms and looked at him seriously, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.”

Kei broke eye contact with him, it was too intense of a look. Instead he found Coach Ukai looking at them, “Coach, this is my brother. I’m going home with him instead of the bus.”

Ukai nodded at them, “Akiteru, good to see you again.”

He grinned, “Come by the neighborhood association again soon,” Aki linked arms with Kei and led him to his car, “Karasuno volleyball is a small world, don’t look so surprised that we know each other.”

Kei groaned, “you’re going to check in on me, aren’t you?”

Akiteru laughed, “I’m your brother, it’s my job. Besides,” he grew more serious, “I should have been around more. I’m going to try and come home more.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Kei got into the passenger seat and put on his seat belt, “I’m getting along just fine.”

“You should be better than just fine, Kei!” he was angry, Kei wasn’t sure how to handle his brother when he was angry, “when’s the last time you saw mom?”

Kei shrugged, “I see her in passing sometimes,” he focused on watching the scenery pass out the window.

Akiteru sighed, “I’m going to be around more, don’t fight me on this.”

* * *

It was Thursday and Hinata was rummaging through his kitchen as per usual. “Tsukishima,” he said shrilly, “there’s no food in your refrigerator or cupboards.”

“Oh,” he looked away, already unable to deal with this conversation but preparing to have it, “My mother usually gets it… but Akiteru told her he would be around more and she stopped.”

Hinata stomped across the room and grabbed his hands. It was amazing how much noise his small body could make. “What!” He vigorously shook Kei’s hands, “What do you mean?”

Kei sighed and forced himself to look at Hinata, “She expected him to do the shopping even though he doesn’t live here full time.” He hated the pity in Hinata’s eyes and tried his hardest not to look away, not to lose whatever battle of wills.

“C’mon, let’s go grocery shopping. Do you have money?” Hinata dragged Kei towards the door.

“At least let me get my wallet at the shopping bags.”

Tutoring somehow turned into grocery shopping.

The store was only a few blocks away so the walk didn’t take too long but Hinata talked the entire time. He talked about their practice and the upcoming Nationals, and their classwork, and every little thing he saw on the walk. Kei really wanted to find him annoying but his authenticity was endearing. He let Hinata babble on and Kei simply watched him with a small smile.

When they reached the grocery store Hinata found a hand basket and walked up and down every aisle, filling it up without asking Kei what he wanted. But then again, Hinata was probably more acquainted with his kitchen than he was. Hinata over-filled the basket and Kei watched on amusedly as he struggled to carry it.

“You doing okay, Shrimp?” he laughed quietly.

“Shut up, Meanie-shima,” he growled.

Kei laughed a bit louder and took the basket from him, “I’m going to pay for this now and you’re going to cook something for me.”

Hinata smiled up at him brightly, “I’ll cook for you whenever you want.”

Kei picked up the pace so Hinata wouldn’t see him blush. His body was so stupid, it didn’t need to be reacting that way.

But Hinata caught up like it was nothing and hummed to himself as Kei paid. When Kei looked down at him curiously Hinata gave him his stupid bright and earnest smile.

Kei’s heart was so fucked.

* * *

  
When Kei walked in the door with Yamaguchi at his side, the first thing he noticed was that there were too many shoes in the entryway. Even with Akiteru’s promise to come around more, there were too many shoes.

As he walked deeper into the house he could hear Aki talking nervously about school. He sounded shaky in a way that didn’t sound right for his usually bold and confident brother.

But then he heard his father reply. Kei froze in his tracks, causing Yamaguchi to walk into him. Kei didn’t know the last time he heard his father’s voice let alone saw him. A man so far removed from his life shouldn’t cause him to react like this, but there he was, standing in his hallway unable to move.

Yamaguchi placed his hand on his shoulder, “C’mon,” he said quietly, “let’s go to your room.”

Kei shook his head and marched himself into the living room where his family was waiting. Privately he missed his quiet and lonely house.

“Kei!” His father slurred, drunk of course, “there you are. You got so big! Don’t you eat?”

“Am I big or too small?” He spat, “make up your mind.”

Akiteru motioned to him to please take it down a few notches. Kei scowled, he wanted this man out of his house.

Their father sat on the middle cushion of the couch while Aki hovered next to him. He was a small man (they had inherited their height from their mother’s side of the family) but his presence was large and intimidating. Kei only stood in the entrance of the room and didn’t dare walk any closer. Yamaguchi hovered behind him, he had only ever heard about Kei’s father so this was his first time seeing him in person.

His father turned to him with unclear eyes, “are you still playing volleyball?”

Kei grit his teeth, he didn’t want his father to know anything about his life but being caught in a lie would be so much worse, “yes,” he forced out.

He scoffed, “That sport is for girls. Why don’t you play a real sport instead.”

“Then it’s a good way to meet girls,” he looked directly at his father with challenging yet unseeing eyes.

Unfortunately Yamaguchi chose now to speak up, “Well…” he started hesitantly, “not really. All the training camps and tournaments we’re in are all male. Sometime we run into the girls’ team but not too often.” But Kei couldn’t fault him too much, he was clearly nervous babbling.

His father made a disgusted noise, “So are you a girl or gay?”

“Which would bother you more?” he asked before he could stop himself.

Akiteru clapped his hands together to grab their attention, “Okay!” he said with false cheerfulness, “Time to end this family reunion, Kei I’m sure you have homework to do, you two can head up to your room.”

Kei would have been planted firmly in place but Yamaguchi tugged on the strap of his bag and pulled him off balance enough to shake him from his reverie. The two of them quietly walked to Kei’s room. Once they were inside Yamaguchi sat at the table and took out his school work and left Kei alone to process his thoughts. He was a good friend.

Kei crawled into his bed and put his headphones on. He scrolled through his phone to choose a playlist but also pulled up his recent texts with Aki and posed to send him a message. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say but he felt like he needed to talk to his brother.

Kei: Does mom know he’s here?  
Aki: I let her know  
Kei: And?  
Aki: She said to let her know when he leaves  
Kei: Great, that means we have to deal with him.  
Aki: You can stay in your room. I’ll get him out  
Kei: Thank you Aki

He dragged himself out of bed and joined Yamaguchi at the table. His friend was studiously pretending to do his own work. Kei didn’t know what he did to deserve such a friend.

“English homework. Let’s get started.”

Yamaguchi looked at him with concerned eyes but nodded, “We can do that. Do you want to talk though?”

Kei stared at his books and placed his palms down flat on the table, “I want to get my homework done.”

“Okay,” he kept nodding, “But I’m here for you too.”

After about an hour of working they heard Akiteru kick out their father and after a few more hours Yamaguchi left to go home with another promise that he was there if Kei wanted to talk. Kei still wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong, so he agreed to talk if anything was wrong but said everything was fine.

He tried to sneak back into his room after he walked Yamaguchi out but Akiteru stopped him before he could go into hiding. He really missed his quiet empty house.

Before Aki could ask if he was okay, Kei spoke up, “What was he doing here?”

Aki rubbed his eyes and looked towards the front door, “apparently he still had a key and drunkenly decided to drop by,” he tried to sound light hearted but he just sounded exhausted.

Kei felt anger spike, “We need to change the locks.”

“I’ll go out tomorrow morning and buy what we need,” Aki agreed right away, “It won’t happen again. Okay?”

“Fine,” he grumbled, “Can I go now?”

Aki frowned at him, “Are you okay? You seem more agitated than I thought you’d be.”

Kei took a deep breath and tried not to yell at his brother who he knew was just trying to help, “I’m just fine,” he said stiffly.

“Kei,” he said kindly, “if you ever decide you’re not fine, please come talk to me.”

He went back to his room without answering.

* * *

Kei grew taller since the last time he was measured and it was fun to lord that over his much shorter teammates. Hinata yelled in frustration about just how tall he was and attempted to kick Kei in the shin, but he dodged the attack easily. Most of the others grew as well but Kei was still the tallest of the bunch.

In the gym they measured spiking height, so they chalked up their hand before making a running leap and slapping the basketball hoop’s backboard. Kei made a face when he put the chalk on his hand, he didn’t like how it felt on his skin so he was eager to start his run off. Yachi told him that she was ready and he jumped. It felt like flying. Slap. His chalky handprint was in place. Before he checked to see how he compared he tried to wipe the chalk off on his pants.

Hinata handed him a water bottle so he could wash the rest of the chalk away. Kei muttered a thanks.

Kei watched with bated breath when it was Hinata’s turn. He wanted to see how much his height gave him an advantage when it came to spiking. Even though he was almost 26cm (10in) taller than Hinata, their spiking height has a 1cm difference. With Kei coming out on top. He smirked at Hinata who shot him a disgusted face back.

It was nice to win.

It was also nice to win a spot at the Shiratorizawa Training Camp.

It was not nice to see Hinata show up at the training camp uninvited.

Hinata eagerly stood beside him with a big smile on his face, like no one would notice that he wasn’t supposed to be there and he would be able to participate no problem. But Hinata was an absolute moron and it turned out he did think that no one would notice and he would be able to participate.

Kei’s cheeks burned with second-hand embarrassment. They burned hotter when Hinata announced himself as a ball boy. It was going to be a long week.

At the end of the first day Hinata fretted over if he was going to eat enough at dinner without anyone there to watch him. Kindachi and Kunimi snickered behind him and Kei reminded him that he fed himself all the time. Hinata did not look convinced or impressed but he left regardless.

Kindachi laughed about how it must be nice to have someone fret over him. Kei ignored him.

All of the actual members of the training camp were given rooms on campus to stay in, but Hinata was not given such a luxury so he was forced to go home. Exhausted. In the dark. Through a mountain. Kei groaned and wondered if he should have done anything.

The next night he looked even worse than before, so Kei swallowed his pride and his feelings and asked if he could talk to Hinata privately.

Hinata did a double take.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped. He wasn’t asking for anything weird. It wasn’t like he was asking for privacy to confess. Oh no, what if that’s what Hinata thought he was doing.

Hinata lowered his eyes suspiciously, “You’re not going to kill me, are you?”

“I would never do that in a place where people could so easily tie me to your death,” Kei said casually.

Hinata laughed loudly drawing the attention of the other stragglers, “Okay, let’s go. What do you want to talk about?”

When they were a few paces away from everyone else Kei scrunched up his face. He wasn’t sure how to ask the question without sounding weird so he was just going to do it, “Do you want to stay here tonight? Everyone is in their own room but the rooms have bunk beds. And you live so far,” he really wished Hinata would stop him.

Instead Hinata just looked up at him incredulously.

“Say something.”

“Yeah! Thank you!” He jumped up and down, “I’ll just go get something to eat and then come back. Yesterday I called Coach and asked him what I should eat. You should do that too.”

“No thanks,” he began walking towards the cafeteria to get his own dinner, “My room is 206. It’s that building,” he pointed to the building they were adjacent to, “You better not snore.”

Two hours later Hinata was fast asleep on the top bunk (“you take it, you won’t hit your head if you sit up”) and Kei was staring at the bottom of the mattress wondering where he went wrong in life. Hinata wasn’t snoring or anything, but he was existing alone in a room with Kei, and Kei hadn’t figured out how to come to terms with that just yet.

When he first arrived Hinata had been overly grateful and tried to hug him, but Kei expertly side-stepped the potential contact. Hinata made a fake annoyed noise and promised to get his hug one day and Kei silently hoped he would be unconscious or dead when that happened. He was polite enough not to say that outloud.

He thought he would have to make conversation but Hinata let out a huge yawn and apologized through a second one before Kei pushed him to the top bunk with an insult about his height and just like that Hinata was asleep. Kei had hoped that being in the room while Hinata was sleeping would be easier but he didn’t expect to look at the sleeping boy and come to the realization that Hinata was actually really cute.

Kei wanted to deny it but he maybe, sort of, liked Hinata in a more-than-a-friend way. Just thinking it made his heart pound in his chest and the fear that Hinata would hear him made it beat harder.

Just a few more days.

He probably wouldn’t die.

* * *

It was hard to concentrate on school when they were so close to Nationals, but finals were creeping up on them as well. The five first-year volleyball club members met daily at lunch to go over their homework and study under the tutelage of Yachi and Kei. The two of them offered very different approaches to learning. Yachi had a very soft touch while Kei ruled with an iron fist.

Their combined effort seemed to get through to the idiot duo though, they were doing better than they had been the rest of the year. Although considering Kei had been tutoring Hinata all year he was a bit offended that it was now he decided to do better. Then again, Hinata kept coming back for more so he must not be a terrible teacher. (But again, it could just be a ruse to continue feeding him.)

The five of them met in Class 4 because Kei and Tadashi were the only ones who shared a class and they could push their desks together for them all to gather around.

Kageyama slammed his hands on Tadashi’s desk, “I don’t get the science homework,” he glared at the paper as if he hoped it would burst into flames.

Yachi gently reached over to take the paper, “Let me look.”

“Haha, Bakayama doesn’t get it,” Hinata laughed too loudly.

“Oh, so you get it?” Kageyama growled.

Hinata shrugged, “I won’t have that class until after lunch.”

“Then don’t call me stupid, dumbass, you don’t even know if you understand it!”

Kei pressed his forehead on his desk, they were so loud. So unnecessarily loud. At least Yachi would take care of them and he wouldn’t have to worry about whatever they got up to.

Yamaguchi nudged him, “Can you help me with my English work?”

“Yes,” he said in English without picking up his head, “What’s the problem?”

“You know I didn’t understand that,” Yamaguchi made a face.

“Wow!” Hinata yelled, momentarily distracted with his argument with Kageyama, “Tsukki you’re so cool!”

He was glad his face was already hidden so he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing him blush.

* * *

Kei stared at the ceiling.

They lost.

It shouldn’t be so surprising. Who is he to believe that they would be the best team in the country? But they got so far and for a moment he actually believed that they could make it. How egotistical of him. He covered his eyes with his forearm and ignored how the wetness spread, he was not the only person shedding tears tonight.

Across a thin wall he could hear Hinata’s heavy breathing, be it from sickness or crying or both- Kei wasn’t sure. Hinata not being able to stand after he had fallen was the beginning of the end for Karasuno. It was unsurprising that Kei fell shortly after. What was the moon without the sun’s light anyway?

Hinata’s breath was ragged and uneven, cutting harshly through the calm air where most of their teammates slept fitfully. Tomorrow afternoon the team bus would drive them all home and Akiteru would pick him up from the school, undoubtedly with a piece of strawberry shortcake, an apology, and a play-by-play of how amazing they did regardless of their loss. For once Kei was actually looking forward to his energy levels.

He wondered if anyone would be there to pick up Hinata or if he was still expected to bike home through the mountains. He’d probably collapse and die and be eaten by actual crows-- he could already see the headline: Young Crow Fails To Fly: Eaten By Brethren.

On the other side of the wall Hinata let out a pathetic sounding cough. No one else stirred. It was annoying to hear him like that and Hinata was anything but weak. Kei sat up and wiped his eyes on his shirt before reaching for his glasses. The movement stirred Yamaguchi on the adjacent futon but Kei whispered something about water and his friend drifted back off to sleep. They had all had a hard day and no one wanted to be awake more than necessary.

Kei rose off the ground, popping his back lightly, and carefully shuffled to the small kitchenette area to pour a class of cool water. But instead of drinking it in the kitchen he quietly walked over to the cordoned off area where Hinata was laying down and slipped inside. When he slid open the wall a sliver of light invaded the dark room and Hinata groaned unhappily.

“Don’t complain,” Kei whispered as he knelt besides his sick teammate, “I brought you some water.” He closed the wall behind him and let darkness take over the room once more.

Hinata sat up and blinked at him blearily, “For me?” he croaked out.

Kei picked up one of Hinata’s hands and placed the glass there, Hinata shivered at the contact, “That’s what I said, idiot,” he scoffed without any malice.

“Don’t bully me, I don’t feel well,” he whined and took a small sip of water. Kei watched as he wet his lips and his throat bobbed. “Thank you.”

He looked away, “Your pathetic coughing was keeping me awake.”

Hinata offered him a small smile anyway, “You’re allowed to be nice.”

“No,” he said after a long moment, “I’m not.”

Hinata shrugged and took a few more sips of the water as Kei stared at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry,” Kei blurted out suddenly, “I couldn’t stay on the court after you left.”

He put the glass down between them, “I thought you couldn’t be nice,” he said weakly, “It’s fine though. I saw on the stream how much you wanted to stay and fight. They wouldn’t let me fight either.” Hinata looked Kei straight in the eye, “We just need to get stronger.”

Kei felt filled with… something. Determination? Affection? He ruffled Hinata’s hair and immediately regretted the action (both because of the contact and because his hair was sweaty with fever), “Go to sleep.”

Hinata sighed gently and nodded.

* * *

When they returned back to school class was still in session so everyone got to see them walk off the bus exhausted with tear-stained faces. The banner that congratulated them on getting to Nationals taunted them. A slap in the face would have been a better welcome back.

On the bright side, a portion of the student body really did not pay attention to sports and did not know who they were or what they had just gone through. Those students were much easier to deal with than the ones who told them they did well or gave them pitying looks. Kei wanted to drown in the students whose eyes slipped right by them because their team held nothing of interest. He didn’t want to listen to Michimiya, the captain of the girl’s volleyball team, sniff about how proud she was and how the third years had a great final tournament.

Akiteru hovered by the bus. He wasn’t sure if he should offer to take Kei home or if they needed to go to class like everyone else, even though the latter option seemed like it would be cruel given the circumstances. Kei took him out of his misery by picking up his gym bag and overnight bag and making his way over. Even if they were supposed to go to class he was going to skip.

While he was picking up his bags he noticed Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei talking quietly to one another. Hinata was still laying down on the back of the bus and they were most likely discussing how to get him home.

“Aki,” he asked hesitantly, rubbing his palms against his pants, “Hinata. He’s. Can we.” He started and stopped his sentence over and over, not sure where he was trying to go.

His brother, for his credit, understood just fine. He nodded, “He got sick at the game. Are his parents not here? We can offer to take him home.”

Kei nodded back once, “I heard Coach talking, they’re not sure what to do.”

“Just leave it to your big brother,” he pounded on his chest with his fist and took off to talk to Ukai.

After a few minutes of back and forth and a quick phone call, presumably to Hinata’s mother, Akiteru and Takeda-sensei were loading Hinata into the back of Aki’s car. The two of them buckled him in but even strapped in he somehow managed to sprawl across the back seat and promptly fall asleep.

“So,” Aki started when Kei slipped into the passenger seat, “Do you know where he lives?”

“In the mountains?”

Aki covered his mouth to stifle a laugh, “Sure, I’ll drive up the mountain and drop him behind the third boulder.”

Kei glared at him, “I’ll find his wallet.”

It took a bit of digging but Kei found his wallet and Hinata’s address which they were lucky showed up on GPS because it turned out Hinata wasn’t kidding when he said he lived in the mountains.

“You’re a good friend, Kei,” Aki said after they were most of the way there.

He watched the trees go by and muttered out “No, I’m not.”

* * *

The year wasn’t over just because volleyball was over. (Although, volleyball wasn’t over-over. They needed to figure out how they were going to work as a team without the third years and transition the captainship to Ennoshita. Their Nationals visit will most likely get them a good crop of first-years and that was something to worry about too…)

More importantly though, finals were coming up. They had more free time and that meant more time to dedicate to classwork and studying.

The five of them piled into Class 4 to study during lunch when Hinata cleared his throat and stood up.

“I have an announcement,” he put his hand on his hips and waited for everyone to look at him.

Kageyama didn’t look up, “If you need to use the bathroom, just go,” he motioned towards the door.

He leaned over and flicked Kageyama’s forehead, “I don’t need to use the bathroom, Bakayama! I have something to say, so listen to me!”

“We’re listening, Hinata,” Yachi smiled at him.

Hinata beamed at her and turned his attention to the rest of the group, “After high school I’m going to play beach volleyball.”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Kageyama burst out laughing and Yamaguchi asked, “Huh? Why?”

This obviously wasn’t going the way Hinata thought it was going to go, although who knew what he expected, “For training,” he complained, “it’s for training! I’m not giving up on indoor.”

“Where are you expecting to play beach volleyball?” Kei finally spoke up.

Hinata sat down again, “I don’t know yet. I talked to Coach Ukai and he said he knew a few people to ask about it but it probably won’t be in Japan.”

Yamaguchi looked surprised, “You’re going to leave the country?”

“Probably!” he smiled, “But not for a while and I’ll definitely keep in touch. It won’t be that easy to get rid of me!”

* * *

Hinata turned down a last minute cram session with Yachi, Kageyama, and Yamaguchi to study with Kei at his house instead. His excuse was that he wanted help with English and math, both of which Kei was very good at, while Yachi and the others were going to be focusing on Japanese Literature and science. Kei was a little bit suspicious because over the year Hinata had gotten very good at English, better than Yamaguchi even, but he didn’t bring it up.

They started as usual, with Hinata raiding the Tsukishima kitchen to put together some type of snack from whatever groceries Akiteru bought for the week. It was nice to watch Hinata work in his kitchen like he belonged there. He was only making eggs on rice, apparently one of his favorites, but he concentrated like he was working in a professional kitchen.

When the rice was cooked they took their food into Kei’s room so they could start their last study session of the year.

“Should we start with English?” he asked in English.

Hinata grinned up at him around a mouthful of rice, “Yes. English first.”

Kei snorted and switched languages again, “Are you sure you need help with English? You’ve gotten pretty good.”

He lit up, “Is Tsukishima Kei complimenting me?”

“No,” he said too quickly.

Hinata laughed, “I still need help with what order words go in and you’re still the best in English.”

Kei pushed his glasses up his nose so he could hide his expression, “Let’s just get started, it’s grammar you’re having trouble with?” He took a deep breath and started lecturing on subjects and verbs and nouns and adjectives. Hinata nodded along and occasionally.

“So if I say,” Hinata brought the pencil to his lips, “‘I play volleyball’ then ‘I’ is a pronoun, ‘play’ is a verb, and ‘volleyball’ is a noun. Right?”

Hinata stared up at him waiting for a response. Kei just blinked at him. His answer was right but hearing him sound so smart filled his chest with affection. He taught this volleyball idiot something. Sure, he was still talking about volleyball, but-- Kei nodded.

“Good!” he grinned, “What if I say ‘I am going to win.” Then--”

Kei leaned over and kissed him.

Fuck. He didn’t mean to. He really didn’t mean to. His body just moved on its own. He felt like the world froze. What exactly had he done? What exactly was he doing? Hinata just shined so brightly that Kei was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Now was not the time to be getting poetic. He had to do something other than sit there with his lips pressed to Hinata’s. This was not one of those situations where if he didn’t move maybe he wouldn’t notice what was going on.

His lips did feel nice though. Oh god, it wasn’t the time for that either. He needed to move.

Hinata gasped quietly beneath him and set the world in motion again. He tried to back up and get away from him, although where he could escape to he wasn’t too sure, but Hinata roughly grabbed the front of Kei’s shirt to hold him still and sat himself in Kei’s lap to kiss him again.

That… was not what he was expecting. He wasn’t expecting anything because he didn’t plan any of this but when you accidentally kiss someone you’re working very hard on pretending to have no interest in you don’t expect them to kiss you back. He’s probably dreaming. Exam stress was getting to him and his brain was betraying him in a new and exciting way and he was dreaming.

Kei chuckled into the kiss and Hinata pulled away just slightly.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked, a bit offended.

This most definitely was not happening so he captured Hinata’s lips in another quick kiss, “Why are you kissing me?”

Hinata looked flabbergasted, “You keep kissing me!”

“But you kissed back. Why?”

“Tsukki,” he started condescendingly, “you’re not that dumb. I’m kissing you because I like you!” In an amazing turn of events Hinata managed to say that without turning red.

Kei shook his head, “No you don’t,” he said confidentially. As an afterthought he added, “and don’t call me that.”

Hinata nodded, “Right, right, if we’re on kissing terms I should call you Kei.”

That, on the other hand, was enough to make both of them blush. Hinata hid his face in Kei’s shoulder but Kei tangled his hand in his hair, bringing about another round of blushing. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t real,” he said, stroking his hair, “Shoyou.”

Hinata shot back and glared at him, blush still high on his cheeks, “Why can you like me but I can’t like you?”

Kei froze again. He didn’t. This was nice, comfortable even, but it wasn’t right. “I’m not. I don’t.” he stuttered, “Don’t you like Shimizu-senpai?”

Confusion was clear on Shoyou’s-- Hinata’s face, he didn’t know what that had to do with anything, “She’s very pretty? Like, really pretty. But you’re also really pretty. Handsome. Whatever. I don’t like her though.”

“I don’t like you,” he said weakly. It may have been more convincing if he hadn’t let Hinata stay in his lap and he didn’t still have a hand in his hair.

“I don’t believe you,” his eyes were filled with that fiery determination that was usually reserved for the court.

Hinata grabbed the back of Kei’s neck and pulled him in for a fierce kiss, much different from the small pecks they exchanged before. He moved fast, tilting Kei’s head to deepen the kiss and opening his mouth slightly to lick along Kei’s lower lip.

As much as he protested beforehand, Kei didn’t sit there passively. He pulled Hinata closer by his grip on his hair and eagerly kissed him back. It was sloppy and there was a touch too much saliva but Hinata’s lips were plump and just felt so nice.

When Hinata pulled back Kei whined-- actually whined, something he would feel embarrassed about later-- but Hinata looked him square in the eye with that challenging look of his and went, “You don’t like me, huh?”

Kei looked away, “I’m not gay.” That was the first time he ever said the word out loud.

“Is that what this is about? You don’t have to be. I’m bisexual.”

“I’m not that either.”

Hinata frowned and cupped Kei’s cheek to make him look at him, “It’s okay if you are. I don’t know what anyone told you or if someone did something but--”

Kei cut him off, “Stop. Please,” he begged, his tone clearly pleading with him to stop.

Hinata chewed on his lower lip, “Kei, I’m going to ask one more time. Do you like me? Do you want to go out?” he hesitated for a moment, “if you’re uncomfortable we don’t have to say anything about it.”

“No,” he lied quietly.

In a moment, he was alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Kei fled the school the moment after he handed in his last final exam. He had been doing a good job avoiding Hinata over the last few days. They didn’t talk at morning practice, Kei had lunch by himself even if it meant ignoring Yamaguchi, and Daichi had suspended afternoon practices until after exams so he didn’t have to worry about that potential encounter either.

He probably could have done better on his exams but his mind was so muddled with ‘what did I do?’ and ‘what if he tells people?’ that he had a difficult time concentrating. Kei wasn’t worried about failing or anything that dramatic but he was positive his scores weren’t going to be as high as he wanted them to be. At least he didn’t write in Hinata’s name for any of the answers.

After finals they had a break until the start of next term. Unfortunately they still had scheduled volleyball practices during the break, so he couldn’t even get away from Hinata for a short period of time. It was killing him, seeing the object of his affection every day, knowing that he returned some amount of feelings-- Kei hadn’t exactly allowed them to talk about it-- and forcing himself to stay away.

If he closed his eyes he could still feel Hinata’s lips on his.

Akiteru was his saving grace, not that Kei would ever admit that to his big brother. Aki asked if Kei wanted to come stay at his apartment during the break and even practice with his team some more. Kei talked to Ennoshita, who was officially taking over the captain duties, and got the okay to miss practice. Kei wondered what Hinata thought about his absence.

The only real problem with his plan was the bonding his brother expected to happen. Aki could tell that Kei was acting more standoffish than usual (and Kei mentally cursed him for knowing him so well despite their extended period of barely any contact) so he was being a bit pushier about spending time together. Kei decided he was the lesser of two evils.

Over the break Kei spent most of his time sulking around Akiteru’s apartment but almost every evening Aki would drag him out of the house and they would go practice with his team. Kei would never admit it, especially not to his over-excitable brother, but he really enjoyed playing alongside the adults and he was definitely going to come back from break a stronger player. Akiteru even started teaching him how to do a jump serve after one of his teammates ragged on how much his regular serve lacked power.

Kei also had the misfortune of running into Aki’s new girlfriend and in a fit of insanity Kei begged him not to marry her. As cool as Saeko was, and Kei had no problem admitting that she was cool, especially after she helped them at Nationals, he did not want to be related to Tanaka of all people. He was counting on his brother to protect their family name. 

He already knew he was doomed.

They managed to get through most of the break before Akiteru tried to talk to him about how he was doing.

“So,” Aki started one night when they were walking back from practice. Kei was immediately on edge, he knew a capital-C Conversation was coming, “How are you?”

“Fine,” Kei said stiffly, “tired.”

He really hoped that Akiteru would give him the out, but of course he wasn’t that lucky. “You’ve been upset since before school ended. Did something happen?”

Kei frowned, “Nothing happened, I’m just like this.”

“I don’t believe you,” Aki shook his head, “I know you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, but can you at least promise me that if something is very wrong you’ll talk to me?”

He looked at the sky as they walked. His brother sounded so earnest and hopeful that it reminded him of Hinata and caused his heart to clench. He wondered briefly if he liked Hinata because he reminded him of Akiteru and it was residual hero worship transferring to someone else. It was kind of a gross train of thought though, he didn’t want to kiss his brother.

He must have taken too long to answer because Aki elbowed him lightly, “Kei?”

“I don’t want to talk about it now,” he said quietly, “but if I want to in the future then I’ll talk to you about it.” That was something Kei was comfortable with promising because he never intended on wanting to talk about it.

Akiteru was satisfied with the answer and let the remaining walk back happen in silence.

Unfortunately the break had to end and Kei returned home to start his second year of high school. Like the previous year he walked to school with Yamaguchi, but unlike the previous year Hinata was waiting for him at the gate with his arms crossed and a frown set firmly in place.

“What did you do to piss off Hinata?” Yamaguchi whispered as they approached their unusually irate teammate.

Kei shrugged, “Didn’t go to practice over break?”

Yamaguchi laughed, “That seems like him. Well,” he roughly patted Kei’s shoulder, “good luck dealing with him.”

He almost asked his friend to stay with him so he didn’t have to talk to Hinata, but there was no promise that Hinata wouldn’t blurt it out in front of Yamaguchi and Kei didn’t want to seem too needy. But once the thought was in his head… what if Hinata already blurted it out to Yamaguchi? What if the whole team already knew because Hinata had such a big mouth?

Now he had to talk to Hinata to see what he was going to be walking into.

Hinata stomped over to Kei and shoved his chest, “You’ve been avoiding me!” he yelled, causing people around them to stop and stare.

“Idiot,” Kei hissed, “keep your voice down.”

“Then stop avoiding me!” he looked like he was going to kick Kei in the shin but he took a step back before Hinata could accidentally injure him. Or purposefully injure him.

Kei crossed his arms, “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Hinata frowned at him, "You're at school, you're not here."

"What does that even mean?" Kei rolled his eyes. Hinata's grasp of language was as good as it usually was, which was to say terrible.

"You know what I mean!" he yelled again.

Kei clamped a hand over Hinata's mouth, "I already told you to keep it down. We can talk later, okay. I'm trying not to make a scene here and you're making it very difficult." Kei didn't let go until Hinata nodded around his hand. "Good. If you insist we talk about something we can do it after practice, until then leave me alone."

He walked away without looking back, no matter how much he wanted to. He knew that in that moment he couldn't handle seeing whatever upset expression Hinata was surely making. Kei took a deep breath as he headed towards his classroom. It was his first time in the second-year hall, he needed to pull himself together and attempt to make a good first impression.

The day passed uneventfully, as any first day of school should. Teachers laid out their expectations of the year, he pretended to take some notes, the usual. As the end of the day drew nearer he began to dread the upcoming volleyball practice. On the one hand he was eager to show off the new skills he gained training with his brother's team but he did not want to deal with Hinata looking at him like he had done something horribly wrong. He also didn't want to meet the new first years.

Yamaguchi was psyched to meet their new kohai. After an entire year of being on the bottom tier, both as a first-year and a bench warmer, Yamaguchi was ready to prove himself to those older and younger than him alike. Kei did not share in that enthusiasm. He just knew that someone was going to try and rope him into teaching them how to block and he did not want to deal with that.

Yamaguchi practically dragged him into the club room to get changed. The new third years greeted him when he entered, Tanaka groaned loudly about how unfair it was that he grew taller over the break, Kei didn't even realize that he did. He was a growing boy after all, it was hardly his fault. Kei took off his shirt to get changed and he felt eyes on him. When he turned around to look, both Hinata and an equally short kid he didn't recognize were staring at him.

"What?" he snapped at them.

The kid he didn't know blushed a deep red for being caught staring, "I thought only moms had marks like that," he mumbled.

Kei glared at him, "If you ever grew past elementary school height you would know what they were." He angrily put his practice shirt on and turned to Hinata, "And you? What do you want?"

Hinata opened and closed his mouth a few times like a gaping fish, "Nothing," he said finally, but Kei could see the light blush brushing across his cheeks before he turned and hid in his locker. For a moment Kei considered that Hinata was blushing over seeing him shirtless but he quickly discarded the thought, there was no way Hinata would have a reaction like that.

Once in the gym Captain Ennoshita lined them all up, second and third years on one side and first years on another so they could all introduce themselves. There were six incoming first years, half of which were planning on coming to Karasuno already but the other half changed their mind after seeing them play at Nationals and specifically chose Karasuno for their volleyball team, including the short boy from earlier who was a libero.

Noya practically jumped the new libero, apparently he had talked to Daichi and Ennoshita about how he was worried that he was going to graduate without leaving someone behind to protect his legacy, so the arrival of Takeda Masahiro, had him ecstatic.

The other five were split three-two between wing spikers and middle blockers. Just as he thought, Ennoshita had Tajima Takao and Fujiwara Kohaku meet up with him, Hinata, Yamaguchi, and Narita to discuss strengths and weaknesses while the other three (Nishikawa Mari, Morimoto Hideki, and Kawasaki Katsumi **)** talked with the rest of them. Kageyama was visibly upset that there were no other setters and he pulled the captain aside to discuss how they needed to train a backup in case of emergency-- not that he ever planned to have to leave the court.

Practice wasn't actually as terrible as Kei expected it to be. It ended with Ennoshita splitting their six new recruits into teams of three for a 3-on-3 match later in the week and then they were all dismissed. What was terrible was again feeling Hinata's eyes drill holes in the back of his head while he tried to change his clothes. He tried not to let his hands shake but by the looks Yamaguchi kept shooting him, he wasn't doing a good enough job.

"You go ahead without me," he told his friend after he successfully changed, "I left something back in the classroom. I'll catch up later."

Yamaguchi squinted at him like he was trying to figure something out, "Okay," he said at last, "I'll see you later."

Kei nodded at him and watched him go. He really wished he was going with him. He could ditch Hinata and skip out on the worst conversation of the year but he knew that Hinata would not give up on it and would continue to corner him until he got the answer he wanted, whatever that happened to be.

He sighed loudly and turned to Hinata, the only other person remaining in the club room, "What?"

Hinata tilted his head, "What do you mean, what?"

Kei pushed his glasses up his forehead and rubbed his eyes, this conversation was going to be more difficult than he thought, "You wanted to talk. I'm here. So talk."

"Oh."

They sat in silence for a few moments until Kei couldn't take it any longer, “You didn't tell anyone, did you?"

Hinata frowned at him, "Who would I te--" he cut himself off and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, "I told Kenma, But don't worry! He won't tell anyone! I made him promise not to tell Kuroo! But I was really worried about you and confused and I didn't know who to talk to and Kenma is really smart. You're really smart too but I didn't think that you wanted to talk to me and you didn't want to talk to me since you left for so long!" Hinata babbled while Kei looked on blankly.

"You told Kenma," he said slowly, "What did you tell him exactly?"

He nodded, "I told him about, you know," he looked around the room, "that we kissed. And Kenma said finally about time and I told him that I don't know if you liked it and that you said you're not gay and he said--"

"Okay, okay," he cut him off. "I don't need the whole play-by-play. Fine. Kenma knows." He clenched his fists hard and felt his fingernails dig into his palms, the pain was grounding but not calming, "You have five minutes before I leave. What do you want?"

Hinata frowned at him again, it was a weird look for him, "Why did that happen?" he asked more carefully than Kei thought he could possibly be, "Why kiss me and then push me away even though I kissed you back? We could go out! It could be fun!"

Kei scoffed at the idea of it being fun, the idea immediately made his skin prickly and uncomfortable, it could never be fun. "It was a mistake," he said finally, "I didn't mean to, you were just there and I reacted. I shouldn't have done it. It won't happen again. If you want to go out with someone go out with the King or Kenma or anyone else."

"I don't like them like that though," he said so sincerely Kei felt his heart clench in his chest again, "I still don't understand. Do you not want to kiss me again? I want to kiss you again."

Kei couldn't look at him. There is no way he could possibly face Hinata after such a confession. He had no idea how he could so openly admit that he wanted them to kiss again. Kei wanted to lie to him and say that he hated it and that it meant nothing, that if he could take the whole thing back he would, but he also didn't want to put those words out there. If he didn't say that the experience was terrible then there was a chance that it could happen again. Right?

Instead he took out his phone and checked the time, "Your five minutes are up, I'm going home." He shoved his hands in his pockets and quickly made his way to the entrance. It hadn't quite been five minutes but he was counting on Hinata not calling his bluff.

He got his wish.

* * *

The new first years were excitable but not as excitable as their senpai. Then again it was difficult to meet the energy levels of Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Hinata. Noya had taken the new libero, Takeda Masahiro, and dubbed him Hiro because they absolutely could not call him Takeda when they already had Takeda-sensei around. Sensei tried to say he didn't mind but Hiro had stars in his eyes from being given a nickname from none other than the famous libero he had followed after.

Kei, on the other hand, had taken a look at the two first-years he was supposed to train up as middle blockers and told them he was not going to give them nicknames and they were not to give him a nickname. If they wanted to be someone other than Tajima and Fujiwara then they should make friends with someone else. Hinata chose that moment to say he would be happy to give them nicknames but he couldn't give them out just yet because they didn't know each other well enough. Yamaguchi simply laughed at him.

The other three possibly had discussions about their names but Kei didn't hear them or care about them. If they stuck around he would learn about them later, but for now they were not important. What was important was seeing what Tajima and Fujiwara were capable of.

He set them up on one side of the net and told them to try and block Hinata's spike. For a moment he considered setting the ball to Hinata himself, he practiced that with his brother's team as well, but if he was distracted doing that then he wouldn't be able to watch what they did wrong. And Hinata would shower him with praise and tell him how cool he was and he wasn't ready for that just yet. Instead he called over Kageyama, who didn't like being ordered around by Kei but helped anyway, and got the practice started.

The two first years weren't bad but they weren't good either. He remembered his first training camp when Kuroo and Bokuto told him that he sucked as a blocker, these two were a bit worse than that and didn't have his height to make up for any other shortcomings. After a few missed blocks he stopped the practice and told them to stand on the sidelines and watch. First he was going to block how they were and then he was going to do it the proper way and he wanted them to spot the difference.

It took a few tries before one of them, Kei couldn't remember who was who just yet, asked about finger placement and how they were stretching out their arms. Kei nodded at him and had the two of them approach the net so he could adjust their form. While he was talking to them about coming to a complete stop before jumping up he could feel eyes on him again. A quick glance around let him know that multiple people were watching him-- all of the other second-years, Yachi included, as well as Ennoshita. Were they worried that he was going to scare their first-years off? It wouldn't be too unlike him to intimidate them (and they did hesitate before speaking to him but that's where Hinata's approachable nature came in handy) but he wasn't trying to hurt the team. He wanted them to succeed too.

Ugh, he wanted them to succeed. Who knew optimism was contagious.

By the time practice was over his two little first years were taking steps in the right direction but they needed to work on breaking long ingrained habits and that wasn't going to happen in one afternoon so Kei had to keep working with them.

On the walk back to the club room to change Hinata and Yamaguchi stared at him with stars in their eyes. It was annoying and made his skin prickle. "What?" he turned on the stairs to glare at them, he couldn't handle their unabashed admiration any longer.

Hinata turned to Yamaguchi instead of addressing him, "Did you know that Tsukishima would be a good senpai? I had no idea!" He jumped up and down on the step and Kei worried he was going to fall down the stairs and hit his head, he couldn't spare the brain cells, "They really looked up to him and he was such a good teacher!"

Yamaguchi nodded, "He spent a lot of time with his brother's team so maybe he learned there."

"I'm right here," he grumbled, "Don't talk about me like I'm not here."

The two of them laughed, "Tsukki, do you like your new kohai?"

He pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, "They aren't my anything," he turned around and continued walking up the stairs, "I'm going to go change."

* * *

Kei always knew this, but Yamaguchi was too smart for his own good. It took less than a week of classes before he broached the topic on their walk to school in that careful way of his.

"Did you and Hinata get in a fight?" he asked softly, in a tone of voice that hoped to say 'whatever happened I'm not going to judge you'. Yamaguchi was too good of a friend for him.

Kei looked away, unable to meet his overly kind gaze, "No," he said blankly. He flinched inwardly, he should have lied and made something up, Yamaguchi was going to know that his denial meant something actually happened.

Yamaguchi hummed, "He seems upset with you lately. Not angry like you said something mean and provoked him, but sad. It's weird. Are you sure you didn't fight? I thought the two of you became friends last year but now things are weird again."

"Why would I know why the shrimp is sad?" Kei grumbled.

"I guess that's true," Yamaguchi laughed lightly, "but you've also seemed different. Did..." he hesitated for a moment, "Did something happen with Akiteru?"

Kei groaned, "He forced us to bond. Did I tell you he's dating Tanaka's sister? I saw her a lot when I was at his apartment."

"Oh, Saeko?" he perked up at the change in conversation, "She's very... intense. Intense is a good word."

"She's loud and likes to drink a lot, you mean," Kei said bluntly.

Yamaguchi snorted, "That's another way of putting it. She's very pretty though. Is Aki happy with her? They seem like they would be an excitable bunch," he laughed at the thought.

Kei smiled softly to himself, "Yeah, he was happy with her. They look like they're having a lot of fun together. I told him that he can't marry her though. I do not want to be related to Tanaka."

"You can't tell your brother who he can and cannot marry," Yamaguchi laughed loudly, "He loves you too much, he'll listen!"

"That's what I'm counting on."

They walked a few more blocks towards the school lightly discussing one of their upcoming assignments and what they thought about their new teachers before Yamaguchi broached the topic again.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he blurted out.

"I'm sure. Now stop asking."

Yamaguchi nodded at him but Kei wasn't convinced that the conversation was dropped.

Of all the people he expected to bring up their weird behavior, Kageyama was not on that list. But there he was, barging into Kei's classroom during lunch with a pissed off expression on his face (or was that just his normal face?) demanding to know just what Kei did to Hinata. At the initial accusation Kei froze, but Kageyama, being the idiot that he was, took Kei's hesitancy as him being ignored.

Kageyama slammed his hands down on Kei's desk. Kei frowned, he'd have to clean that now. "What did you do to Hinata?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said coolly, pushing one of his books against Kageyama's hands so he would stop touching his desk, "I haven't done anything to him, but if you think I have done something, why don't you ask him instead?"

Kageyama's frown deepened, "I know you did something but he won't tell me what."

Kei rolled his eyes dramatically, "Maybe your loyal subject just doesn't want to talk to you and it has nothing to do with me. Now, if you'd leave me alone, I’d like to eat my lunch in peace."

"That's another thing!" Kageyama yelled and pointed in his face, "All last year he was dead set on feeding you for some weird reason and now this year starts and he's not! So what did you do?"

Kei looked at his lunch. He had forgotten that Hinata would slip food to him daily. It wasn't even that long ago, how did he forget? But as much as he hated to admit it, Kageyama was right, that little change of routine did signify that something big went down between them. Kei shrugged, "I don't control who he feeds. The more he leaves me alone the better for me though."

Kageyama stared at him hard, like he was trying to figure out a particularly hard math problem or figure out the best way to set to one of their new and unpredictable first years, "I'm going to figure out what you did."

"Good luck with that," Kei slipped on his headphones and ended the conversation.

* * *

Kei was studying at home when he heard loud rustling at the front door. Someone was trying very hard to get inside. He closed his book and slowly made his way down the hall. Akiteru was home and making his way to the front door as well. They stopped and stared at each other when they met in the entry hall. What exactly did you do when someone was trying to break into your home? Should they hide? Call the police?

The person on the other side of the door loudly cursed and kicked the front door. They both froze, they recognized the voice.

"I know you boys are home," their father yelled, "Let me inside."

Aki put his hand on Kei's shoulder and forcibly turned him around, "Go back to your room, I'll deal with him. You don't need to see him."

Kei opened his mouth to protest but Akiteru pushed him in the direction of his bedroom hard enough to make him stumble a few steps. He grumbled lightly under his breath and rounded the corner but didn't go all the way to his room, he wanted to know why his father was here and how Aki planned on getting him to leave.

Akiteru took a deep breath to brace himself for the upcoming confrontation and unlocked the door. As soon as the lock clicked the front door flew open and their father stomped inside. Or, he tried to stomp inside but Aki put a hand on his chest and held him in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?"

Their father sneered at him, "What am I doing here?" he asked back, "I live here."

Aki shook his head, "You haven't lived here in years. You have a house somewhere else and a new wife. Go there instead."

Kei leaned heavily against the wall, he had no idea that his father had remarried. Hell, he had no idea that his parents had officially divorced. The information made him dizzy and the reaction made him angry; there was no reason that finding out something about his father should cause such an emotional reaction. It's not like he would want to be invited to his wedding or meet his new wife. The less they had to do with each other the better. He titled his head back and hit the wall with a light thud. Lights danced behind his eyes but it was just the ugly light fixture in the hallway. For some reason he was staring at it.

He jumped when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder and he scrambled a few steps down the hallway before he saw it was just Akiteru standing there guiltily with his hands up.

"Sorry," he said carefully, "I wasn't sure if touching you was a good idea but you didn't respond when I called your name."

Kei blinked at him, "What?"

"Dad's gone. It took about ten minutes to convince him to leave. How much did you hear?"

Kei frowned at him and tried to bring up the last thing he remembered. Aki was being very nice by not telling him that he should have gone to his room to avoid this exact scenario so Kei was trying to dredge up something other than the very beginning of the conversation. He couldn't. "He remarried?" he asked instead.

Aki shook his head, "Not really," he pinched the bridge of his nose, "our parents are still married even though they haven't seen each other in like a decade. He just lives with someone who he calls his wife. She's actually really nice, I met her once, I have no idea why she's with him."

"I'm confused," Kei said slowly.

Akiteru gently took his arm and led Kei to his bedroom, "Now I know something is wrong, my Kei would never admit weakness like that," he joked lightly, "You go lay down and I'll bring you something to eat."

"I'm not a baby."

"No matter what, Kei," Akiteru said seriously, "You will always be my baby brother and it will always be my job to take care of you."

Kei didn't have enough energy to argue.

* * *

"Tsukishima!" a loud voice yelled down the hallway.

Kei froze in his tracks. There was no good reason for Hinata to be yelling at him. He wasn't actively avoiding him anymore and they could occasionally hold a conversation without it being terribly awkward. So why did Hinata sound angry at him. He sighed loudly which prompted Yamaguchi to laugh besides him.

"What?" he turned around to face a grumpy looking Hinata, "What could you possibly need that warrants disturbing the peace?"

Hinata's expression changed to one that Kei could easily read as 'I'm not sure what that means," but instead of saying that out loud he shoved a paper in Kei's face. He took in instinctively. It was his first math test of the year and he just barely passed.

"Congratulations," Kei said dismissively, "You passed."

Hinata snarled at him, "I should have done better than that! I studied for this test! I passed by two points! Help me study again." They made eye contact and Kei saw the hesitancy in his expression, "My grades were the best they ever were when you were helping me. Please." Hinata clapped his hands together and bowed his head to plead for help.

Kei felt like time stopped for a moment. Last time he helped Hinata study they kissed and he didn't want to risk that happening again. But Hinata was literally begging him for help and he didn't want to say no.

Yamaguchi looked between the two of them, the silence had stretched for too long, "What could it hurt, Tsukki? You were doing it last year and we need him to pass his exams so we can have him on the court."

Kei turned to Yamaguchi, he had forgotten that his friend was there and he was embarrassed that he had witnessed that awkward exchange. "Yeah," Kei said finally, "Same schedule as last year's work for you?" He tried to sound nonchalant but even he could hear how stiff his voice sounded.

Hinata nodded eagerly, "Lunch on Tuesday, after school on Thursday," he confirmed, "Thank you! I'll be the best student ever, just you wait!"

"I'm not holding my breath."

Hinata stuck out his tongue and ran back to his classroom, leaving his test behind with Kei who crumbled it up and shoved it into his bag.

What did he just get himself into?

* * *

Kei was trying to get some of his homework done in the library during lunch, he begged off of eating with Yamaguchi feigning a headache, when a girl from his class sat across from him. He spared a second to glance up at her but quickly turned back to his worksheet.

"Um, Tsukishima?" she asked quietly.

He put his pencil down but didn't look up, "No, I don't want to help you with your classwork."

She giggled awkwardly, "No, that's not why I'm here. Um, I'd like to talk to you if that's okay."

"I'm busy," he gestured to the work in front of him.

"It'll only take a minute, I promise!"

Kei sat back and ran a frustrated hand through his hair, "Fine, what is it?"

"Well," she fiddled with her fingers in a way that was a bit too familiar, "I like you!"

"Huh?" He must have heard her wrong, he was fairly certain they had never spoken before and even though he heard her name every day at roll call he wasn't positive he knew her first name.

She nodded determinedly, "I like you." Her voice was steadier this time.

Kei still didn't understand. How could this girl possibly like him? Even if she did know anything about him there was very little to like, and that left only the superficial. "Why?"

She seemed surprised by the question, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, why do you like me? What do you like about me?" His genuinely confused tone kept him from sounding like he was trying to stroke his own ego.

Her eyes lit up as she smiled softly, "You're so smart and cool and--"

"No, I'm not," he cut her off.

"What?" she was taken aback by his interruption.

"I'm not cool."

"Yes you are!"

He slammed his hands on the table, "No, I'm not. You don't know anything about me. You can't just look at me and decide you know and like things about me. You can't just decide that because I get good grades and I'm good at volleyball that you like me. You don't know about my interests or personality or anything about me!" It wasn't after he took a deep breath to calm himself did he realize that everyone else in the library was staring at them. 

His outburst was going to get around the school in record time.

Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, "You don't have to be so mean."

"That just proves that you don't know me," he stood and began packing up his things, "I’m always mean."

Kei hoped that what happened wouldn't become the topic of gossip but he wasn't so lucky. By the end of the day it seemed like the whole year knew what happened. People whispered as he walked by in the hallway and it set his teeth on edge, he wanted to escape and go home but he needed to get through volleyball practice first.

When he reached the club room door he braced himself, he knew exactly what was coming. As soon as he opened the door Nishinoya and Tanaka descended on him.

"How could you turn down such a hottie?" Tanaka scowled.

"And so cruelly," Noya added.

Kei looked at the door and wondered if they would simply let him walk out for the day. The rest of the week maybe. But Ennoshita put a hand on his shoulder and effectively held him in place. 

It was difficult to look at Hinata's pitying face, Yamaguchi's confused expression, and deal with his upperclassman's enthusiasm. The only saving grace was Kageyama was treating him normally, he did not care what Kei did in his free time as long as it didn't bleed into volleyball and so far he was clear.

"So who was it?" Tanaka asked, "I heard she was pretty and you made her cry!"

Kei pushed his way through to his locker so he could change but he didn't want to strip while everyone was staring at him and waiting for an answer so he just stood in front of his locker awkwardly instead.

"How did you even hear about it?" Yamaguchi asked, drawing some attention away from Kei.

Noya jumped up and down eagerly, "There were some third years in the library who saw it and they said a really tall kid with glasses made a girl cry after she confessed and when I heard that I turned to Kinnoshita and said 'sounds like our Tsukki,' so I wanted to find out if it was him so we--"

Ennoshita held up a hand, "We don't need the whole story, Noya." he turned to the room at large, "Everyone get changed and get to the gym. Leave Tsukishima alone, it's time for practice.

Kei nodded gratefully at their new captain and turned to finally get changed. He didn't miss the two people in the room still giving him curious glances.

* * *

Kei had been tutoring Hinata for three weeks already and every week their tutoring sessions went exactly the same way.

First they would try and act completely normal. Hinata would let himself into the Tsukishima kitchen and make the two of them something to eat before they started their homework, most of the time it was something simple but once he saw that some of their vegetables were going bad and offered to make something bigger. After Hinata was done cooking they would bring the food into Kei's room to eat.

When they were in Kei's room they always made sure to sit at opposite ends of the table. Kei would eat his much smaller portion quietly while Hinata babbled on, mostly about their upcoming tournament and if they're ready or not. Every once in a while Kei would hum or scoff or make some type of noise to signify he was listening. Whenever he did that Hinata would smile brightly at him and try to add more food to his bowl, sometimes Kei accepted the offering but most of the time he did not.

After the food was eaten and the dishes pushed aside, Kei would take out his books and Hinata would groan about whatever subject was troubling him this week. There didn't seem to be any consistency to what he was having trouble with, Kei would almost believe that Hinata threw a dart at his work and decided whatever it hit would be the difficult subject that week.

Kei would say to start with the difficult subject first to get it out of the way but Hinata would beg to do it last because he just knew that once he did the hard subject he would be too tired to do any of his other work. Every week Kei gave in to his demands and they went through their work in whatever order Hinata decided was best. Week to week it was never the same, which was extremely irritating to Kei who thrived off of consistency.

What was consistent, unfortunately, was after they finished their last assignment they would look at each other and within an instant Hinata was in his lap again and they were kissing. Again.

The first week it happened Hinata had practically tackled him to the ground and their teeth had knocked together painfully but it took all of two breaths before they adjusted to each other and their kiss turned from awkward to (and he hated to admit it) almost loving. Hinata kissed him again and again, quickly pressing their lips together and pulling back like he was trying to get as many kisses as possible before Kei inevitably pushed him away. But those fleeting kisses were frustrating so Kei grabbed the back of his neck and held his head in place so they could kiss each other soundly.

He felt Hinata smile into the kiss like he had gotten just what he wanted but Kei threw out the idea that Hinata had been purposefully teasing him. Though when Hinata pulled back for air and Kei whined again, just as humiliating as last time, he almost asked Hinata not to tease him just in case.

"Kei," Hinata said thickly.

Kei groaned and pulled him in for another kiss.

"Kei," he tried again, "Are you sure you don't want to go out?"

He froze. They were so close to each other. It would be so easy to capture his lips again and ignore the question. But he shook his head lightly, "I'm not going to go out with you, Hinata."

Hinata's face fell but he leaned up and placed one last lingering kiss on Kei's waiting mouth, "Next time you kiss me you can call me Shoyou."

"There won't be a next time," he lied.

Next time, of course, was one week later, just days after word of his rejected confession had gotten around.

Shoyou sat himself in Kei's lap and kissed him roughly before pushing Kei onto his back and hovering over him. Kei reached up to continue kissing but Shoyou kept pulling back and breaking the kiss until Kei let out a frustrated groan. The give and take and Shoyou on top of him and hovering had him frustratingly turned on but Shoyou didn't look like he was playing.

"What?" he gritted out, his hands fisted in the hem of Shoyou's shirt.

"Why did you turn her down?"

Kei tried to give him a look that truly conveyed how stupid a question that was but Shoyou kept waiting for an answer. He sighed, "she didn't know me," he said at last, flexing his fingers and stopping himself from touching Shoyou's skin.

Shoyou frowned at him, "But I know you."

"And?"

"And you won't date me either!"

Kei closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he should have known that's where he was going with that, "I told you, Sho, I'm not going to go out with you."

But he made a mistake, he knew he did the second he not only used his name but shortened it to a nickname. Shoyou's eyes darkened and he crashed their lips together like he wasn't just rejected a third time. This kiss was different. Shoyou was more forceful than usual (he hated that he knew how Shoyou usually kissed), and he eagerly opened his mouth to lick at Kei's lips. Kei hesitantly parted his own lips and Shoyou took full advantage of the opening, sucking Kei's lower lip into his mouth and biting down hard.

He wanted to push Shoyou off of him after he bit him, but his grip on Shoyou's hips tightened and he moaned into the kiss.

It was Shoyou who broke the kiss, lips glistening with their combined saliva and Kei almost pulled him down again but the look on Shoyou's face, heavy with pity and sadness, told him it was a bad idea.

"I know you," he said too loudly before clearing his throat and trying again, "I know you but I don't understand you."

That night was the first time Kei got himself off to the thought of Shoyou on top of him giving him teasing kisses. He bit his lower lip until it hurt. He didn't understand himself either.

The third week was much of the same. They ate, they did their work, they tumbled to the floor. Kei hated how much he enjoyed having Shoyou's small body on top of his and he soaked it in for as long as he could because he knew it wasn't going to last. Every week their study-turned-make out session turned sour. But with Shoyou lightly panting on top of him alternating between teasing and biting kisses, he didn't care.

He didn't care until Shoyou slipped his hand up his shirt and placed his impossibly hot hand on his bare skin, brushing against one of the stretch marks that crept up his side. Kei's head spun and his breath came out in harsh pants, much different from the heavy breathing from seconds before. He grabbed Shoyou's wrist and couldn't hide how much his own hands were shaking.

Shoyou immediately backed off, "What's wrong?" he asked, somewhere between worried and confused.

Kei tried to get his breathing under control, "Please don't touch me," he said quietly.

Shoyou nodded and crawled out of his lap. Kei bit the inside of his mouth, not wanting to tell him to come back, that it was the specific way he had touched him that was wrong, not that they were touching in general.

"Kei, what should I do?"

He rubbed his eyes until he saw stars, "Can you go? Please?"

Shoyou was quiet for a long moment before Kei heard him packing up his things, "I hope you're okay," he said softly before he left Kei alone.

For consistency's sake, or maybe for his sake, they never spoke about it the next day.

* * *

It was tournament day and Kei knew deep down that they're not ready. They were still trying to pull their team together after the loss of their previous third-years. And for added pressure Daichi and Suga promised to show up and root them on from the cheering section. Akiteru promised to come too and for some reason that didn't bother him nearly as much as it used to; he was much more nervous about their previous captain and vice captain watching them.

Ennoshita was also nervous even if he was trying to hide it. It was his first big debut as captain after they went to Nationals and he wanted to make a good impression.

Tension was high on the bus but Tanaka and Noya were doing a good job in quelling any frayed nerves. Kei sat next to Yamaguchi with his headphones firmly in place imagining a ball in his hands. They were going to be fine. They could pull themselves together as a team.

In the end they did not pull themselves together as a team. They lost to Date Tech and their new and improved Iron Wall. Their spikers got stuffed again and again and even though their defense was also very good it didn't matter if they couldn't score.

Date Tech continued on and they went back to the bus.

The mood on the bus was even worse than before. They all felt like they failed, they did fail.

When they got back to the school they all trudged to the gym to have a meeting. Coach Ukai tried to tell them that they did a great job and that they are still trying to get their legs under them but no one wanted to believe him.

"Hey!" he scolded, "Now listen to me. Just because you made it to Nationals once doesn't mean you are going to make it every time. Now go get something to eat, have a good night's rest, and come back ready to practice."

Ennoshita stood up next to him, "We all wanted to win, but everyone there wanted to win. The best we can do is move forward. We have some coordination issues to work out but you all did great. Date Tech won't know what hit them next time."

The team, minus Kei, cheered and just like that their moods were lifted.

Next time they would win for sure.

* * *

On Sunday after practice Kei went to Yamaguchi's house to play video games. It was nice spending time with his best friend, Kei felt a bit like he had been neglecting him and Yamaguchi was too nice to complain. But that's not right, Yamaguchi absolutely would complain. What had he been up to while Kei was too wrapped up in himself? He had one friend and he was going to lose him.

Yamaguchi set up the original Super Smash Brothers on his television and they settled next to each other to pick characters and start the game. When the match started Kei hummed lightly.

"What have you been up to lately? We haven't been spending a lot of time together."

Yamaguchi's character missed its attached and ran right off the stage, "What? Nothing. Why?"

Kei smirked at him, "Yes, I totally believe you after that completely natural reaction."

"I, uh," he jerkily hit the buttons on his controller, his usual finesse had completely gone out the window, "I've been spending a lot of time with Hitoka. Yachi," he finally spit out.

It was Kei's turn to be completely blown away, "You're on a first name basis with her now?" When had that happened? Had he really been neglecting his friend for so long he built an entire relationship and Kei didn't notice?

Yamaguchi blushed a bright red, "It's new," he mumbled, "We've been officially dating for a week. I was going to tell you sooner but..." he trailed off. But Kei had been distant and he didn't want to rub his happiness in his friend's face.

"I'm happy for you," Kei said, and it was true. He was happy for him, Yachi was a perfectly good person and together they would be cute and awkward and wouldn't need him. Oh, maybe that's why Yamaguchi didn't tell him, he was perfectly aware that he was basically Kei's only friend and he didn't want Kei to think that he was leaving him.

As if reading his thoughts Yamaguchi lightly bumped their shoulders together, "You suck at this game. You should come around more and practice."

"Yeah, I can do that."

* * *

The five of them met for lunch in the second-year wing. In the beginning of the year they didn't all eat together but after their loss to Date Tech they all started meeting up to talk strategy and training. Even when they weren't talking volleyball they still met up to eat together. Kei was surprised that he didn't notice the relationship between Yamaguchi and Yachi sooner, they blushed every time they spoke to each other. It would be annoying if it wasn't so cute.

All of them meeting for lunch also meant that Hinata was feeding him again. One day when he was changing for practice he publicly scolded Kei for losing weight and ever since then he brought Kei the protein bars with the dried strawberries that he liked and gave him extra food at lunch.

("How could he tell that you lost weight?" Yamaguchi whispered to him while they walked to the gym, "That's a weird thing to notice. I can't tell if you did or not and I'm your best friend!"

Kei shrugged, there was no good way to say that him and Hinata have been making out every week and Hinata sometimes put his hands on Kei's hips or waist so maybe he would notice if something felt different. "It's not something us normal people can do," he said instead of revealing his most embarrassing secret.

Yamaguchi laughed and didn't ask anything more about it.)

Hinata piled some cooked vegetables onto Kei's plate while he talked to Kageyama. He may be an idiot but he did notice that Kei was more likely to eat extra vegetables than meat. When he finished giving Kei way too much to eat he turned to the table with a serious expression, "I want to talk to all of you."

Yachi paled immediately, "Are you dying? Please don't say you're dying. What are we going to do? I mean, ‘we’ as friends not ‘we’ as a volleyball club. I wouldn't be so insensitive to worry about volleyball when you're dying." Yamaguchi placed a hand on hers and she calmed down. "I'm sorry. What did you want to talk about?"

He smiled at Yachi like her small panic attack was something cute and quirky, "Remember last year when I said I was going to do beach volleyball after high school? Well I have it all worked out now! I'm going to spend an extra year in Japan bef--"

"You're leaving Japan?" Kageyama cut him off before he could finish his explanation.

"Let me talk, Bakayama," he scolded lightly, "I'm going to spend one year here after I graduate and then I'm going to learn beach volleyball in Rio! That's in Brazil."

"We know where Rio is," Kei said condescendingly.

But Kageyama tilted his head, "Where's Brazil?"

"South America," Yachi answered helpfully, "The other side of the world. Hinata what if you die on the other side of the world!"

Hinata laughed, "I'm not going to die, I'm just going to play volleyball. I'll also join an indoor league while I'm there too. I was told to only stay there for two years and then come back home so that's what I'm going to do."

"Why?" Yamaguchi asked, "Why beach volleyball and why two years?"

He lit up, "I can learn so much by doing beach volleyball. There are only two people on a team and you need to worry about the sand and the wind. You absolutely have to do everything and be able to stand on your own. And the old coach from Shiratorizawa helped set everything up and he said two years," Hinata shrugged, "I'm just listening. Besides, I'm not giving up on indoor volleyball forever."

Kei took a few more bites of his lunch before speaking up, "You know they don't speak Japanese there?"

"Yes!" he quickly turned to Kei, "K-Tsukishima, will you help me learn Spanish?"

"You idiot!" Kei scolded, pointing his chopsticks in Hinata's face, "They don't speak Spanish either, they speak Portuguese!"

"Then help me learn that!"

He put his chopsticks down, "I don't know Portuguese."

Hinata turned on his most blinding smile, "We can learn together!"

"Fine," he said after a minute, "But only because Yachi is going to worry about your inevitable death otherwise."

* * *

Shoyou was on top of him again, showing his gratitude for their first Portuguese lesson. It didn't go that well considering neither of them knew the language but Kei promised to pick up some study guides and research how to learn a language on your own and Shoyou jumped him for his enthusiasm. Kei wouldn't say he was enthusiastic about learning a third language, but he was enthusiastic about having Shoyou in his bedroom.

His lips were red and plump from kissing and Shoyou was holding himself just out of reach. Kei wanted to keep kissing him, he tugged on Shoyou's shirt but he just smiled at him slyly and pulled back a bit more. Kei whined, an embarrassingly needy sound that he hated but it always seemed to get him what he wanted when it came to Shoyou. Shoyou's smiled widened and he leaned down to give Kei a quick peck before pulling back.

"Olá," he said awkwardly.

Kei snorted, "Your accent is terrible."

"How would you know!" he pouted, "You don't know how to pronounce it any better than I do."

"Olá," Kei said back, accenting the correct part of the world.

Shoyou groaned and flopped on top of him. Kei worried that Shoyou would hear how hard his heart was beating but he still wrapped his arms around him and ran his fingers through his hair, "You should come to Rio with me as a translator."

"No thanks," he said casually, "I'm planning on going to college."

He picked his head up, "What do you want to study? Dinosaurs?" He eyed the dinosaur figures on the shelves.

"Archeology or history," he nodded, "I don't want to dig dinosaurs up but working in a museum would be nice."

Shoyou smiled at him softly, "You're so cool, Kei."

"Shut up," he grumbled.

Shoyou laid on top of him quietly. For a little bit Kei enjoyed the contact before he remembered that he rarely did anything quietly.

"What?" he asked, apropos of nothing.

He sat up so he was sitting on Kei's hips. Kei bit the inside of his cheek and flexed his fingers against his thighs. He wasn't going to bring any attention to their position. He was so distracted by their compromising position that he didn't see Shoyou's worried face, "Someone asked me out today," he said quietly.

"Oh."

"I told them that I needed to think about it and I would answer tomorrow," he said in a rush, "I. Kei! Kei, ask me out!"

Kei stared at him. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to drag him back down and kiss him until he forgot all about this other person but that wasn't an appropriate reaction, especially when... Kei reached up and cupped Shoyou's cheek, he closed his eyes and quickly leaned into the touch. "I can't."

He nodded against Kei's hand, "I know," he said sadly, "But I had to try one more time."

"What are you going to tell... him? Her?"

"Her," he nodded again, "I think I might say yes. She's cute and nice."

Shoyou was still heavily leaning against Kei's hand and he couldn't help but brush his thumb against his lips, "Can I kiss you again?" he whispered, afraid of the answer. Afraid of both yes and no.

Shoyou didn't verbally answer, instead he leaned down and captured Kei's lips in a kiss once more. It felt different from all of their other kisses, it felt melancholic.

It felt like a goodbye.

* * *

Before the next tournament they had a week long training camp. Nekoma had invited them back and they eagerly accepted the invitation. Their still-a-bit-ragtag team really could use an intensive week long training camp to whip them into shape. They all piled in the bus and made the long journey towards the suburbs of Tokyo. 

Tanaka and Noya wisely told the first years that they were not going to see Tokyo tower.

Going to a training camp was weird without their former third years. Not only was Daichi not there but Kuroo and Bokuto weren't going to be there either to drag him into practicing more. Kenma and Akaashi were still around but Kenma was hardly one to do extra practice, he disappeared as soon as the day was over (Kei was always envious of how everyone let him be) and he wasn't sure how Akaashi would be without his ace spiker.

They were the last team to arrive at the training ground but they were traveling the farthest so it was to be expected. As soon as Hinata stepped off of the bus he was swarmed by Nekoma players. Lev and Inuoka practically jumped him and Kenma quietly followed after his rowdier teammates. Hinata loudly greeted his friends and took off with them without telling Coach Ukai or Ennoshita where he was going. He was most likely going to get in trouble but he was too swept up in his Tokyo friends to notice or care.

Their new first years took everything in with wide eyes and fearful expressions. Kei and Tanaka had talked up how difficult training camps were on the ride over and casually discussed how many people puked or passed out from the pressure before Ennoshita scolded them and told them to stop. (Kei glared harshly at Yamaguchi when he laughed and said it looked like he was having a good time playing with his new big brother. He still didn't want to think about his brother's relationship with Saeko, he already saw her way too much.)

The first years were already looking a little green around the edges so Ennoshita, Yamaguchi, and Yachi were trying to assuage their fears by telling them that it really wasn't that bad and that it was a good time for growth and team bonding. Kei rolled his eyes.

When they finally made it into the main gymnasium, Hinata was already there surrounded by even more players, they were ready to get started with their practice matches. They weren't going to go with their standard rotation, instead they were going to rotate people in and out a lot more than usual to assess their strengths and weaknesses and to give them much needed breaks for what was definitely going to be a long week. Kageyama was still looking for a back up setter so he was going to be playing a different position for most of the day, if not the week.

In short, they expected to lose. A lot.

Their expectations were met in spectacular fashion. By the end of the day they only won two sets and they won them by the skin of their teeth.

Open training was where the real fun started. Kei considered making like Kenma and disappearing into the night with his headphones to only appear right before lights out so no one would bother him for extra practice but he wanted to make it to Nationals again and that meant working harder.

"Tajima, Fujiwara, you're with me," he called out before leaving the main gym and heading to one of the smaller gyms, "Extra blocking practice, let's go." He spared an extra glance towards Hinata, "You can come too if you're not busy with the King."

He didn't spare a glance to see who followed him, he simply trusted that his first years would follow. Not that they were his, he definitely did not consider them his, that would be absurd.

Along with the two first years and Hinata, he also managed to pick up Yamaguchi who was doing more than pinch serving lately and wanted more than just serving practice. In the gym was what was left of the old third gym crew, Akaashi and Lev stood with their own fresh faced first years.

"So many crows!" Lev cooed when they entered, "You're taking over! Maybe we should have brought more.

Akaashi sighed, "It's not a competition, it's just practice." he nodded in Kei's direction, "Should we split into teams? We have enough for a 5-on-5 match."

Lev and Hinata tried to get them to split into first years against second and third years but everyone else rejected that idea outright. Instead they split into more even teams with a split between the years, skill level, and teams represented.

The match was fun. It was competitive but as they played they called out tips to each other and even from across the net they corrected each other's form. Despite fatigue setting in, they were approving. If they kept it up Kei actually believed that they would have another shot at Nationals. He wanted to get to that stage again.

His head was so full of possibilities that he almost didn't notice Akaashi flagging him down when they were all walking to dinner. The two of them waved the others ahead and continued after them at a much slower pace.

Akaashi took a long pull from his water bottle, "How long have you and Hinata been dating?"

Kei stopped short, "We're not- What- Why?" he sputtered out.

Akaashi watched him with the same calculating look he had on the court, "If you say so," he shrugged and kept walking, "Bokuto and I have been dating for two years."

"Good for you," he said under his breath. It actually was news to him but once he thought about it, it wasn't that surprising. No one understood Bokuto like Akaashi did and Kei imagined the same was true the other way around. What was more surprising to Kei was how casually Akaashi came out to him. "I think Hinata has a girlfriend."

He raised an eyebrow, "You sound upset about that."

"No I don't," he grit out, "I pity anyone who wants to date him, they have awful taste."

"Whatever you say. Let's get to dinner before those animals eat everything."

The next three days were much of the same. They woke up early, ate breakfast, the teams stretched together in both solo and paired exercises, they had practice matches where Karasuno lost the vast majority and did penalty after penalty. The consistency would almost be refreshing if they weren't all so tired of losing. At least the first years were getting very good at diving drills.

The only thing unnerving was how closely Kenma was watching him. It wasn't just when Karasuno was playing Nekoma and Kenma was watching out for his block, no, it seemed like every spare moment Kenma had where he wasn't glued to his phone or Switch he was looking at Kei. It made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end and his skin crawl. Even Yamaguchi noticed that he was being watched.

"Did you piss off Nekoma's setter?" he asked after two days.

"I don't think so," he said honestly, "I told Lev that he was a terrible blocker but he would thank me for that."

Yamaguchi snickered, "He looks like he's really trying to figure you out."

Kei nodded quietly and made eye contact with Kenma from across the gym. They held each other's gaze for a moment before Kenma broke it to talk to Hinata. Kei felt his heart plummet to his stomach. So that's what it was about.

After another round of penalty drills their water bottles needed to be refilled. Yachi collected all of the bottles and readied them but Kei took the basket out of her hands and told her that he would do instead, saying he needed to get some air anyway so he might as well be some help. Yachi looked like she wanted to argue with him but of everyone on the team Kei was on the bottom of the list of people she actually wanted to argue with, so she let him take the basket.

"Oi, shrimp," Kei called over his shoulder, "help me with this."

Hinata looked up from where he was talking with Ennoshita and gave Kei a confused look. It both wasn't his job and wasn't like him to ask for help, "Okay," he said hesitantly, "I'll be right there."

"Do you think Tsukishima is going to kill him?" Tanaka asked loudly as they exited the gym.

Nishinoya scoffed, "Shoyou could take him."

Hinata laughed quietly and looked up at Kei, "What do you think? You think I could take you?" Kei quirked an eyebrow at him but didn't answer. "Where are we going?" Hinata tried again.

Kei lifted the basket full of water bottles, "To fill these."

"Why do you even have those!" he threw his hands in the air exasperated.

"Yamaguchi and Yachi are dating and I thought I'd give them some time together," he lied smoothly.

"Really? That was nice of you."

They walked closer to the water fountains and Kei couldn't keep it in any longer, "What does Kenma know?"

Hinata looked up at him, "Huh?"

Kei sighed loudly, "What. Does. Kenma. Know." he enunciated clearly before quietly tacking on "about us."

"Oh," he said dumbly, "All of it, I guess. He knows that we, uh, study every week but that we have to stop now."

It was Kei's turn to be confused, "Huh?"

"Girlfriend," was his entire explanation, "He also knows that you turned me down a bunch. Why?"

Kei turned the tap and started to fill up the first bottle, "He keeps looking at me, it's annoying."

"Sorry," Hinata turned on another tap, "I can tell him to stop. He's probably just trying to figure things out. I told him that I was confused."

Kei hummed noncommittally and they silently filled up the rest of the bottles.

When they returned to the gym Tanaka and Noya tackled them causing the bottles to spill all across the floor while they wailed about how they were so proud no murders were committed. The rest of the gym stared at them.

The most difficult part of the week was pretending that he didn't care that he was sharing a bath with Hinata. Every night when it was the second-year's turn to bathe he had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying he was going to skip that night. He knew that he needed a bath and it just happened to have to be with the boy he had spent weeks kissing. The only saving grace was that he didn't wear his glasses into the bath and between the steam and the general blurriness he couldn't see anything even if he tried. Instead he focused on cleaning himself and getting out without making a scene. Hinata, on the other hand, had no such problems and would run around the bath mostly naked chasing Kageyama over something or other. Kei had never been happier to be blind.

By the end of the week, even though they were all exhausted, Kei was confident they would win the next tournament.

It was a weird feeling.

* * *

When Kei got home from school he heard music coming from the kitchen. He pulled out his phone and checked the date, Akiteru wasn't supposed to be there for a few more days and he didn't leave anything on when he left the house that morning. He carefully put down his bag and slowly made his way to the kitchen. He hoped that there was a power surge or something earlier in the day and it turned the radio on, he wasn't ready to deal with anyone in his house uninvited.

It wasn't a power surge though, it was his mother. Her hair was longer than the last time he saw her; they rarely saw each other in passing any more. Kei didn't even know the last time she was home, he almost forgot that she technically lived here too. Hell, Saeko had been around more than she had. Kei stared at her from the entrance of the kitchen while she opened and closed random cabinets and drawers looking for something. Hinata probably knew his way around their kitchen better than she did.

Eventually she noticed him, "Oh! Kei!" she smiled awkwardly at him, "Do you know where the honey is?"

He pointed to the cabinet she was just in and she opened it again to rifle through it once more. She didn't say what she was doing there and Kei wasn't willing to ask. He wasn't sure what he should do. Go to his room and do his homework? Text Aki?

"How's school?" she asked as she put a teaspoon full of honey into her tea.

"Fine," he answered stiffly, "second year isn't much harder."

Her eyes widened, "You're in second year already? My, where has the time gone?"

Kei's eyes blanked, "You'd know that if you were ever here. Where do you go anyway?" He asked even though he didn't want to know the answer. He already learned that his father had a partner that was practically his wife, he didn't need to know if his mother had done the same thing. He didn't need to be abandoned by his whole family.

He should really text Aki.

She frowned at him, "I raised you better than that, don't be rude."

Kei frowned back at her, he was disgusted at how alike they looked, "Akiteru raised me, I'll ask him if I can be rude." With shaky hands he took out his phone and scrolled through his recent messages to pull up his brother's contact. He didn't even know what he should say. Would 'mom's here' have the same urgency that 'dad's here' would? It was worth a shot.

**Kei:** Mom's here

"Akiteru didn't raise you," she scolded, "He did help me after your father left but I'm still your mother and I raised you."

"Then where have you been the last two years? I barely see you,"

**Aki:** I'm at work. It'll take me two hours to get there, do you want me to come?

She scoffed, "I have a job in the city. Who do you think pays for this house? But the commute would be too long so I stay with a coworker in an apartment close to work. Not that I have to answer to you or anyone."

"Whatever," Kei mumbled.

**Kei:** No.

"Don't mumble, it's rude."

Kei left the kitchen and headed to his room without answering. His phone buzzed in his hand but he didn't look at it.

It felt like as soon as he got to his room Aki was there with him. "She left again," he whispered to him, "Let's get something to eat."

* * *

After a few weeks of dating, Hinata started to bring his girlfriend to have lunch with them, She told everyone to call her Hana and Kei didn't know if that was a shortening or her first or last name, but he didn't care enough to ask. She had long curly hair and shiny eyes and Yamaguchi said that she was pretty but Kei didn't like her. He didn't take any time to examine just why he didn't like her. He already knew and there was no reason to spend more time thinking about things he already knows.

One thing he did like about Hana was that she was taller than Hinata. Kei immediately tried to tease him about it but Hinata shrugged and came back with "maybe I like people taller than me" and that shut him up for the rest of lunch period.

Every time they met for lunch Hana tried to talk to him. Kei couldn't understand why. Sometimes it was "Shoyou told me you're learning Portuguese together, is it hard?" and other times it was "Shoyou told me that you're the main defensive player on the team but you're training the first years. Are you having fun?" or other inane questions.

The worst part was whenever she tried to talk to him and he shot her down, Yamaguchi looked at him like he was trying to put a puzzle together. Kei wanted to turn to him and tell him that there was no puzzle but that was more suspicious than outright ignoring it.

Perhaps stupidly, every Thursday Hinata continued to go to his house to study.

They would pretend like everything was completely normal. Hinata would let himself into the kitchen for a snack, they would spread their work out on the table in Kei's room and sit across from each other as they ate and studied. Hinata would ask stupid questions and Kei would summarily tell him just how stupid he was.

And when they were done Hinata would go home. Hinata would not end up in his lap. They would not end up kissing. Hinata would not make Kei whine with his teasing kisses.

Kei tried his hardest not to think about it all throughout their study session. He almost invited Yamaguchi as a human shield but decided against it just in case kissing went back on the table. He didn't want his friend to get in the way, or worse, see what they got up to when they were alone. But week after week Hinata showed up, they worked their way through math and history and science and Japanese and English and Portuguese and then he would leave. One time Akiteru asked him to stay for dinner but Hinata ran out of the house so fast even Aki commented on how odd it was.

He missed hearing Hinata say "Kei" in that breathy way of his.

But thoughts like that were not going to get them through their work.

Kei licked his lips as he watched Hinata struggle through a really-not-that-tricky math problem. It was his forth time attempting to solve the same problem and usually by now Kei would be annoyed and berating him to try harder but instead he watched as Hinata tried to chew through his bottom lip while he worked through the variables. He quietly let out a shaky breath and pretended that he wasn't wishing it was his lip that Hinata was biting instead.

After a few more painfully long minutes, the math problem really was not that difficult and did not require that much brain power-- Kei could solve it in seconds even in his distractedly horny state, Hinata pushed the paper in front of him,

"Is it right now?" he begged.

The paper was difficult to look at, it was mostly eraser marks at this point. When Kei was finally able to find pencil marks he followed Hinata's math and, "Congratulations, you're not as big of an idiot as you seem."

"Yes!" Hinata threw his hands into the air in celebration, "I don't even care that you insulted me. I'm finally done with the math homework!"

Hinata collapsed backwards onto the floor with his hands still stretched out above his head. When his back hit the floor his legs flew up before he stretched them out so he could starfish on Kei's floor.

Kei stared at him as he stretched out his limbs, causing his shirt to ride up a bit. This was torture. He was being tortured. Hinata arched his back and groaned with a particularly good stretch and Kei couldn't take it any more, he wanted to kiss that groan right out of him. 

So he did.

Kei practically scrambled on top of him, placing one hand on Shoyou’s bare stomach and the other cupped his cheek to bring their lips together faster. The position was awkward for him, usually Shoyou was the one on top of him and now he had to worry about what to do with things like his knees and elbows. But the thought was quickly forgotten because Hinata kissed him back like it was just what he was waiting for as well.

For once Kei bit Shoyou's lip for inadvertently teasing him during his homework and Shoyou moaned into the kiss.

"Fuck," Kei whispered against his lips before doing it again, hoping to get the same reaction. Shoyou laughed underneath him. "Fuck," he said again a little bit louder because he didn't want to like this so much and he didn't want to know how to get every little reaction out of Shoyou but at the same time... he did. He slipped his hand behind Shoyou's neck and pulled him up into a sitting position so they could assume their usual position.

But Shoyou didn't get into his lap. "Kei, stop," he said even though he was initiating as many kisses as he was accepting, "We need to stop."

"Why?" he kissed Shoyou's neck and heard his breath catch. He had never kissed anywhere other than his mouth before.

He grabbed Kei's hair and held him there, "I have a girlfriend." Kei bit him for reminding him and Shoyou whined. "Kei!"

Shoyou pushed him away.

"What?"

"Do you want to go out?"

Kei looked at him. Shoyou looked... there was no adequate word to describe how he looked. His eyes were dark with a combination of lust and anger and determination. His lips were red. His neck was a bit shiny with Kei's saliva. "No," he choked out.

Shoyou shoved him again, "You can't have it both ways, Kei!"

He didn't have a response.

* * *

Kei's heart pounded from the second he stepped on the bus to the second the ball hit the floor for the last time. The tournament was their last chance of the year to go to Nationals and if they didn't win then all of their hard work was for nothing. He didn't know he could be so nervous. He was never the anxious person of the team but when they entered the stadium he found himself scouting out the location of the bathroom just in case.

But it didn't matter how terrible he felt. The team came together like a dream. They played like a cohesive unit like they never had before and won match after match. When the ball hit the floor and the last whistle blew, they were victorious again.

Securing their ticket to Nationals felt like a dream. People jumped him and praised him for his defensive abilities-- Noya, Hinata, Yamaguchi, his first years. Today they earned the title of his first years.

They were headed to Nationals in Tokyo again.

With a year's more experience under his belt he knew that Nationals was rough but he didn't want to quash the bubbling feeling that maybe, just maybe, they would win this year.

* * *

Someone was in his house again. He didn't like that this was becoming a reoccurring thing.

He sighed loudly and didn't bother trying to hide the fact that he was home. He might as well get this interaction over with so he could go do literally anything else.

But of all the people he expected to see loitering around his house uninvited, he did not expect his brother's girlfriend. Tanaka Saeko was loud and obtrusive and for some reason she made his brother happy, but that didn't explain what she was doing there without Akiteru. Kei really hoped that Aki didn't give her a key and that she wasn't going to try and play parent. She was already her brother's guardian and he knew how that turned out, Tanaka wasn't exactly a model citizen. Then again, plenty of people would say the same about him.

"There you are, little Kei!" she said loudly.

He flinched at the volume and the nickname, "Please don't call me that."

She laughed her obnoxious laugh and waved him over to sit down next to her, "I'm sure you're looking at me like whaaat, what is this chick doing in my house?"

"That's one way of putting it," he said politely as he crossed the room to sit with her.

"Well I've come to talk to you! Aren't you a lucky boy!" she winked.

Saeko was over the top, he could see why Aki liked her, even if that wasn't his type. But then again, he liked Hinata so maybe he needed to reevaluate just what his type was and just how similar he was to his brother. "Well, I'm here."

"That you are!" she laughed loudly again. He wondered if she was drunk but there were no beer cans around, Maybe she was just like this all the time, "I want to ask you a question."

"Okay."

Her face turned serious, like Tanaka when he was on the court, "I want to ask Acchan to marry me."

"What!" he yelled, completely taken aback, "But you- Isn't it usually the other way around?"

She grinned widely at him, "I'm not exactly a traditional girl, y'know. Besides, don't you think your brother would love it?"

Kei sighed and slipped his fingers under his glasses to rub his eyes, "He would," his brother was dramatic like that.

"So what do you think? Can I ask your brother?"

"You're..." he hesitated, "You're asking me for permission?"

She nodded seriously, "You're Acchan's most important person. Did you know that? So it's important to me that you're okay with it."

He flushed lightly at being told so bluntly that he was important. Of course he knew that Aki viewed him highly, Aki had outright told him that he was going to take care of him, but to hear it stated this was something else. He nodded minutely, "That would make him happy. Are you going to get him a ring?"

Saeko grinned again, "You bet I am!"

Kei groaned, "He'd like that."

"Ryu said that too."

Kei's eyes widened, "Even if you get married Tanaka is not my brother." He wanted that on the record.

She laughed even louder than before, "We'll see about that, kiddo!"

* * *

Kei lined up his serve, tossed the ball in the air, jumped, and SLAM-- the ball hit the floor on the opposite side of the net.

"Tsukishima!" Hinata yelled from the entrance of the gym. Kei dropped the next ball guiltily. "You can do a jump serve!"

"No," he said reflexively, "I can only make it over the next about 80% of the time"

"Teach me, teach me!" he jumped up and down.

Kei frowned, "No. Ask the King or Yamaguchi, they would be better at teaching you to serve. Or Tanaka."

Hinata pouted at him, "Where did you even learn this? I've never seen you practicing it."

He picked up the ball he dropped and spun it between his fingers, "I've been training with my brother's team again. One of his teammates said that my serve was terrible and he'd show me how to make it better. I tried to tell him that my serve was consistent and easy to plan off of," he squeezed the ball, "but he got in my head and now I can do a jump serve 4 out of every 5 times."

"That's so amazing!"

"It's really not," he lined up his next serve to avoid looking at Hinata.

"Does anyone else know?"

He took a deep breath, coming to the gym early was stupid. He should have stuck to only practicing with his brother, "Yamaguchi knows."

Hinata brought a finger to his lip and looked to the ceiling like he was trying to think about something very hard, "Does Captain Ennoshita know?"

"What part of only Yamaguchi knows did you misunderstand?"

"But Kei!" he said loudly, not even noticing that he accidentally used his first name in a scenario where they weren't kissing, "You need to tell him. Tell him so you can practice more here and use it at Nationals!"

Kei frowned, "I don't want to use it at Nationals, I'll miss."

"No, no, no," he waved his hands around wildly, "you need to use it at Nationals. What if you don't miss?"

"I'll think about it."

He missed his next serve.

* * *

They don’t win Nationals.

* * *

Kei was wallowing. They had lost in the third round. They did worse than they did the year before where they made it to the quarter-finals. This year they didn’t even have the excuse of both him and Hinata succumbing to injuries or sickness. They simply lost. They weren’t good enough. 

Aki had driven to Tokyo and watched them play but when they returned home he went back to his apartment to let Kei sulk in peace. He needed to be by himself to process losing again. He missed the days when losing wasn’t such a big deal, when it was an expectation rather than the end of the world. There was always going to be someone better. But when he looked at Karasuno he really thought… it didn’t matter what he thought.

The current third years were graduating and Ennoshita had pulled them aside and told them to think about who they wanted to be their next captain. Hinata had argued that it should be Kei, that he did a great job teaching the first years how to block and he was the smartest one out of all of them but Kageyama said it should be Yamaguchi because not only was he smart and a good teacher but people actually liked him.

The four of them, five of them if they included Yachi because they would ask for her opinion eventually, still hadn’t come to a consensus. 

It was too soon after their Nationals loss to even think about next year. Final exams were coming up as well. Kei didn’t remember if it was this difficult last year, he only remembered ending the year trying to ignore Hinata. 

Kei is forcibly snapped out of his reverie when he hears the front door slam open and closed again. He wasn’t expecting anyone to show up, although history has proven that hasn’t stopped anyone before, and Aki never entered the house that way. He was about to get out of bed and investigate when his bedroom door flew open as well, revealing a very disheveled looking Hinata.

“You should really lock your front door,” he said by way of greeting.

He could barely get out an “I did,” before Hinata jumped on the bed and kissed him. Kei felt his head spin, they had only ever kissed on the floor before and the feeling of being pushed into bed by Shoyou was nice. Too nice. 

Kei was so caught up in the new feeling he didn’t notice that he wasn’t getting ‘I missed you’ kisses or even ‘I like you’ kisses. They were angry but he wasn’t in the right state of mind to realize let alone think about why Shoyou had angrily stormed into his house to jump him. 

Shoyou shoved Kei’s shirt up almost to his nipples but didn’t touch skin, simply pressed his clothed chest against Kei’s bare one, then-- Akiteru walked in the room.

“Kei, do you know what that noise was?” he asked before taking in the scene before him. He grinned at them and barely held back a small chuckle, “He’s good for you, we can talk about it later.”

Just as quickly as he walked in, he left.

Shoyou leaned back so he was sitting on Kei’s hips, “That went good! Your brother is really nice.” He looked down at Kei but he hadn’t moved since Aki entered the room. Shoyou waved a hand in front of his face, “Kei? Are you okay?”

Kei glanced at him with slightly wild eyes before going back to looking at the ceiling. 

“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?” he asked, even though he didn’t expect to get an answer, “Okay. Okay, let’s calm you down. I’m going to touch you a little bit, sorry.”

Shoyou pulled Kei’s shirt back down and got off the bed. He wanted to get the blanket that Kei was laying on and put it on top of him so he lightly pushed Kei while he pulled on the blanket until it was free. Kei barely reacted. Shoyou covered him head to toe then looked around the room, he needed something else.

He spotted Kei’s headphones on the table and decided music would probably help too. He plugged the headphones into Kei’s phone and silently thanked whoever made it so he didn’t have to unlock the phone to start playing music. He hoped that whatever started playing would be appropriate. But then he didn’t know how loud or quiet to make the music. Loud enough to drown out whatever was happening? Quiet enough to not be overwhelming? He chose quiet and clicked the down button on the side a few times. 

“I’m going to touch you again,” he announced to the room.

Shoyou slipped under the blanket with Kei and put the headphones on his head. They were backwards but he was too frazzled to notice. 

“Should I leave?” he whispered, “Sometimes my mom gets really upset and she likes me and Natsu to lay on top of her and she says the weight helps. Should I do that or not touch you?” 

Kei still didn’t answer. 

He left the blankets, leaving a small tunnel so Kei wasn’t only breathing stale air, and made his decision to go and talk to Akiteru. 

Akiteru was waiting for him in the living room with a cooling cup of tea, he expected his brother to shut down after he walked in on them. 

“Is Kei okay?” Akiteru asked quietly. 

Hinata shrugged, “He stopped talking and I tucked him in and put his headphones on him. What’s going on?” 

“Kei probably wouldn’t like me telling you but since you saw it would be cruel not to,” he said more to himself, “ever since he was little when Kei was under a lot of stress he would dissociate. He mentally shuts down.” 

“Why?” 

Akiteru took a sip of tea, “Has he ever really closed off on you before?” 

“Yeah! Um,” he blushed, “I touched his sides.”

He nodded, “That would do it. Have you ever wondered why Kei has such good posture?” 

Hinata could not follow this conversation, it felt like it was bouncing around at random, “No?’

“That’s fine,” Akiteru chuckled humorlessly, “Our father was not a good person. He didn’t like that Kei was not like a normal child. He rarely spoke and other kids didn’t like him. So our father bullied him. One of the things was he always told Kei to stand up straighter and would berate him if he even thought he was slouching. Our mother and I tried to stop him but he still yelled and Kei still listened. Now, I don’t think he knows how to relax. 

“Our father wasn’t around a lot so he didn’t see how quickly Kei grew. Kei has stretch marks on his shoulders, sides, and thighs because he couldn’t keep up with how fast he was growing. One day our father came home drunk and saw him without his shirt and yelled at him. We didn’t even understand what for. But Kei shut down hard.”

“That’s terrible!” Hinata yelled.

Akiteru nodded, “You’re too young for sex so don’t have it, but if you and Kei ever try you should know that Kei will probably have an extremely difficult time because of his thighs.”

Hinata made a face, “We’re not dating, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“You’re not?” he asked, surprised, “So you broke into my house to kiss my brother because you’re not dating?”

“Yes!”

Akiteru laughed, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Kei doesn’t want to go out with me,” he buried his face in the cup of tea, “He won’t admit that he likes me.”

“Now that does make sense. People always bothered Kei for being different, he doesn’t want to be more-different,” he nodded to himself like he said something extremely wise, “I love my baby brother but is he worth the heartache? And you’re going to leave the country after you graduate, is it worth breaking his heart too?”

Hinata slammed the mug on the table, “Long distance relationships exist! Why won’t anyone give us a chance!” 

Akiteru looked taken aback, “I didn’t know you liked him so much.”

He crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, “Well, I do.”

“I’m glad.”

* * *

When Kei woke up-- when did he fall asleep?-- it was still Thursday. His room had gotten dark and his stomach was rumbling. He stretched and let his headphones fall off his ears and dragged himself out of bed to make his way to the kitchen. 

On the table was an entire strawberry shortcake. That probably wasn’t good. 

Akiteru appeared behind him while he was looking at the cake, “C’mon, little brother, let’s eat.” 

Aki cut him a good quarter of the cake. It was going to be a long conversation. “I can’t eat that much,” he said, pointing to the gigantic slice.

“Try.”

Kei took a bite.

“So you’re gay,” Akiteru said casually. Kei practically coughed up the first bite of cake, “It’s surprising but if I think about it not too surprising. You’ve never really showed interest in girls, never talked about a crush or blushed over a pretty classmate.”

“I’ve never shown interest in boys either,” he grumbled around his fork.

Akiteru gave him a look, “You looked interested before.”

“Shut up, Aki. It was…” he paused and considered his words, “an experiment.”

Aki reached over and took a bite of Kei’s cake, “So what are the results of the experiment? Mind, body, heart. Are the results in yet.”

“That’s my cake, get your own,” he said instead.

“You already said you can’t eat the whole thing, I’m helping. It’s what big brothers are for.” He took another bite, “Tell me the results. Do you like kissing him?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation.”

“Well too bad, we’re having it,” Aki said with unusual firmness, “Kei, I love you. You know there’s nothing wrong with you, right? If you want to kiss Shoyou then you should do it! No one is going to hurt you because you’re gay.” 

Kei scoffed, “Our parents? People at school? The volleyball team?”

“I’m your parents. I raised you. Don’t worry about what people who are never here think about you. And Shoyou told me that he was openly bisexual and no one kicked him off the team or has bothered him about it. Why would it be different for you?”

“He at least has the option of liking girls! He has a girlfriend! I think. We stopped doing what you saw when they started going out so I don’t know what he was doing here today!” Kei slammed his hands on the table, “I don’t want to keep talking about this.”

Akiteru watched Kei angrily eat a few more bites of strawberry shortcake, “He really likes you for some reason,” he said after a while, “You should go out with him.”

“No.”


	3. Chapter 3

When Kei knocked on Yamaguchi's door late Thursday night during their break from school, his friend was surprised to see him. Kei wasn't someone who showed up places unannounced or uninvited and he was one of those people who preferred making plans weeks in advance rather than moments before, so he never showed up out of the blue. Yamaguchi was quick to let him in and shuffle him towards his room so they wouldn't have to interact with his parents.

Yamaguchi's parents were perfectly nice people and because of that Kei often didn't know how to react to them. He knew how to be coolly distant with his own parents, and he knew how to be polite with other adults he was forced to interact with, but Yamaguchi's parents always seemed genuinely happy to see him and Kei didn't always know how to deal with that. It was unfortunate that people enjoying his presence left him somewhat baffled. Kei could easily chalk Akiteru up to obligation, Yamaguchi and him met when they were young so he didn't know any better, and Hinata was simply stupid, but Yamaguchi's parents were a mystery.

One he didn’t have the energy to solve right now.

Once in the safety of the familiar bedroom, with posters of girl groups on the wall and manga on the shelves, Kei felt himself relax. Yamaguchi handed Kei a controller and they sat next to each other. He assumed that Kei was there to talk, and sometimes it was easier to talk if they weren't looking at each other and their focus was split between something else. It was nice to have something to do with your hands and have something engaging to look out while you were trying to get your thoughts in order.

He put in Super Smash Brothers again and they picked their characters. After three rounds Kei still hadn't said anything so Yamaguchi guessed that he was going to have to start off the conversation. He was going to come right out and ask what he was doing here but there was always a chance that Kei would respond by withdrawing even further. He had such a prickly friend. But then Yamaguchi had a thought. It was Thursday.

"Did you and Hinata make an agreement to end every year not talking to each other," he asked casually.

One of Kei's fingers slipped off a button but he was able to recover his combo, "Yes," he replied tersely.

Kei could see Yamaguchi nodding out of the corner of his eye but he was resolutely not looking at him, “Cool, how’d you manage that?” Kei knocked Yamaguchi off the stage and they waited for him to respawn. He may be winning the game but he was not winning the conversation.

“We have an understanding,” he said, like that cleared anything up.

Yamaguchi hummed lightly, “You’re not going to tell me, are you?” He waited for Kei to respond but his friend remained silent, “That’s fine, you’ll tell me eventually.”

"Yeah," he sighed, "probably."

Yamaguchi bit back a smile. It was good that Kei sounded so resigned to telling him. That meant it would most likely happen and he would be able to find out what was wrong with his friend. In the meantime he was content with being used to take his mind off of things, "Do you think I'll make a good captain? I'm worried that I'm going to spend so much time making sure Kageyama doesn't scare all the first-years."

Kei laughed, "You'll be great. Everyone will help you keep him in line. Besides, he's been not so scary lately. It's like he's learning to be a real person rather than a volleyball robot."

"I'll tell him you said that."

He bumped Yamaguchi's shoulder, "Do you think he would consider that a compliment or an insult?"

It was Yamaguchi's turn to laugh, "You know, I'm not sure." They played in a comfortable silence for two more rounds before Yamaguchi spoke up again, "Are you sure you didn't want the captaincy?"

Kei paused the game so he could turn and look at his friend for the first time since he entered the house, "Of all the things that are happening, I'm sure of that one. I'm dedicated to the team but I don't want to put in the time required it would take to be the captain or the vice-captain. I'm still focusing on college and studying.

Yamaguchi smiled brightly at him, "Fourteen-year-old you would hate seventeen-year-old you. I'm glad that you decided being passionate about things wasn't a bad thing."

Kei laughed bitterly, "You have no idea.

* * *

"Kei wanted to say that his final year of high school started much like the previous two years did but that wouldn't be completely accurate. The teachers were much more intense than they were before. It felt like everyone who spoke to them told them that they had to worry about their future and that they should start worrying right now. He almost felt guilty for being in a club.

Usually on the first day of class they had almost no work to do, but this time expectations were piled on. Teachers were already talking about colleges and jobs and what they were going to do after graduation and making the most of the time they had left here. Kei had been in the college preparatory classes his entire tenure and expected to get into a decent college but even he was getting nervous with all of this talk.

He was fairly certain Yachi was going to have a panic attack but Yamaguchi calmed her down before she hit critical mass.

When they met for lunch Kei thought that everyone's heads would be spinning but Kageyama and Hinata were fine.

"How are you so calm?" Yachi asked them with a frantic note still in her voice.

Kei snickered, "They're in class 1 and 2, they probably didn't get the talking-to we just did."

Kageyama glared at him, "I know what I'm going to do after high school, I'm going to join the V-League. I don't need college to do that."

Hinata growled lightly at the prospect of Kageyama getting farther ahead of him, "And I'm going to be preparing for Rio, so I don't have to worry about college either. Maybe I'll go after but probably not."

"It must be nice to be so simple minded," Kei sighed.

After classes ended they made their way to the gym to meet their new recruits. Yamaguchi was already overwhelmed. There were ten new volleyball club members, three of which have never played but wanted to join anyway. Some of the first years were tall though, Karasuno had never been a particularly tall team, and Kei was already working out how he could leave a good blocking team behind. But it wasn't his responsibility, he would do what Yamaguchi asked and perhaps a little bit more than that.

Yamaguchi lined up their new first years and had them all introduce themselves. Kei didn't listen to any of their names, he didn't expect them all to stick around and he figured he could learn them when it became important, if it became important. For their first day they didn't do anything too intensive, the second and third years helped figure out the skill levels of their newcomers and taught the basics of the game to those who had no idea. By the end of practice he split the first years into two teams and set a practice match for one week from now.

It was interesting to watch Yamaguchi work. He was soft spoken but everyone listened to him. He didn't have to raise his voice to take charge of the room. Yamaguchi had told him that the Kei of a few years ago wouldn't recognize himself now, he wondered if Yamaguchi realized the same was true of himself.

* * *

Over two years Kei and Hinata had worked out a fairly good blocking system based on both game sense and trust. The previous year they also worked out a decent way to help train up new middle blockers. This year they were completely out of sync. Everyone could tell that there was something wrong with them; they didn't even have their usual banter. Those familiar with them knew that they often ran hot and cold with each other but whatever issues they had with each other rarely bled over to the court.

But lately they were unable to read each other. Kei would block and Hinata wouldn't be there protecting against the cross shot. Hinata would one-touch and Kei wouldn't follow up in time because he thought the spike would be killed.

When they tried to instruct the first years they couldn't agree on a course of action or what drills to start with. More than once Tajima and Fujiwara had to step in and take over.

It got bad enough that Yamaguchi pulled Kei aside to talk about it, "I know that you and Hinata stop talking to each other at the end of each year for some reason, but usually you're over it by now. What's going on, Tsukki? Even in the beginning of our first year you two weren't this bad."

"Sorry, Captain," Kei said, purposely distancing himself from the situation.

Yamaguchi wasn't having it, "Don't captain me. I'm talking to you as your friend right now, I'll make you clean up the gym with him as your captain later. What's going on? Please, tell me. I know that something is wrong."

Kei still couldn't meet his gaze, "I'll talk to him and get it sorted out."

"I wish you'd talk to me too," he sighed.

Later, when Kei was hunched over toweling sweat off his face he heard Yamaguchi and Hinata talking.

"What's going on with you and Tsukki?" his friend asked.

"Nothing," Hinata said a bit too quickly, "I know I haven't been playing my best, I'll try harder."

Kei frowned into the towel, it sounded a lot like Hinata didn't want to talk to him.

* * *

Hinata and Kageyama were trying to speed up their freak-quick attack so Kei, Yamaguchi, and Yachi had lunch without them. The couple did a good job at not making Kei feel like a third wheel but it was probably due to the years of friendship he and Yamaguchi had before they had even met Yachi. The three of them were fairly comfortable together. Yamaguchi talked about what he wanted to do with the team, they gave him their input and he took it to heart; Yachi talked about the new posters she wanted to design and how she had to find a new manager to take over and what if they couldn't design posters and because of that the team wouldn't raise enough money to get to Nationals again. They let her ramble and Yamaguchi smiled warmly at her and told her that he liked her optimism about them reaching Nationals again.

"Tsukishima," Yachi started carefully, "I've noticed that you and Hinata are still not talking. Why don't you offer to tutor him again? I know you've helped him out a lot. I'm sorry if it's not my place to say anything I just don't like to see everyone hurting!"

Kei slowly chewed his food, "I can ask. I don't think he wants to speak to me."

"What did you do?" Yamaguchi asked bluntly.

"What makes you think I did anything?" he felt himself go hot.

Yamaguchi put his hands up defensively, "It was more likely that you antagonized him."

Kei shoved more food in his mouth to give himself more time to think, "If it's so important that we get along then I'll talk to him."

He didn't know when the best time to approach Hinata would be, so he decided to wait for them to all have lunch together again. If he wanted to practice his quick for the rest of his life then it wasn't Kei's fault that they didn't speak. But after a week the idiot-duo joined them for lunch again. Kei felt tense. No one else knew that this is when he said he was going to ask, but he felt the pressure nonetheless.

"Hinata," he said way more calmly than he felt, "do you still need tutoring this year."

Hinata looked at him with wide eyes. Kei could clearly read 'you're bringing this up now?' but he hoped the others couldn't. Hinata finished chewing his food (Kei wondered when he learned some manners), "I'm not sure yet," he said slowly.

"Oh," Yachi said brightly, "Are your classes easier this year? Tsukishima's tutoring must have paid off!"

"Something like that," he laughed awkwardly.

As the conversation moved on Hinata shifted some more food towards Kei's plate, which he took without complaint. Yamaguchi noticed the interaction and gave Kei a discreet thumbs up.

Peace offered and accepted.

* * *

For as long as Kei has been on the team, it has never been as big as it was right now. It was a bit overwhelming. He was grateful that he didn't go to a different school with a much deeper bench. The Karasuno gym had always been loud, it was filled with loud people, but now there were twice as many loud people as before and Kei wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

Usually he could tune out other people talking and focus on the task at hand but he felt like all of his senses were turned up. The lights were too bright. The smell was too harsh. The voices were too loud.

Someone touched his arm and he jumped. Yachi screeched at his unexpected reaction and started to apologize over and over again. He could feel his vision begin to tunnel and his arms slightly tremble. Her over the top reaction meant people were going to stop and stare at them. He wished they wouldn't.

Both Yamaguchi and Hinata approached. They said something to the rest of the room but Kei didn't hear them. Someone gently took the volleyball from his hands, he didn't even realize he was still holding one. Someone-- the same person? he wasn't sure-- took his arm and put a hand on his lower back and slowly led him outside.

He shivered when the cool air hit his skin but it was better than suffocating in the gym. When his fingers twitched someone handed him a water bottle and he automatically brought it to his lips. The spout was closed and no water would come out. He looked at it without actually seeing, he couldn't figure out how to get water. The person with him opened it for him and Kei took a drink.

Kei was led around the corner of the gym until he was propped against the wall. The wall was rough against his skin but he didn't hate it. He slid to the ground and let the wall scratch his arms and backs. Someone sat next to him but not close enough to touch him.

He sipped on the water absentmindedly until the bottle was empty.

"Do you want more?"

Kei turned and looked at Hinata.

"Oh!" he perked up, "You responded. I've been talking to you but you haven't noticed anything."

Kei stared at him with unfocused eyes, "I made a scene."

Hinata shook his head violently and it made Kei dizzy, "We told them you were dehydrated and Yamaguchi and Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei are going to give them a lecture on getting enough water and eating right. Those are important things anyway."

"Right."

"Um. Sensei wanted to call your mom but Yamaguchi told them not to but wouldn't explain, so when you're feeling better you'll probably need to talk to him."

Kei pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, he was exhausted, "She wouldn't come anyway. I'll text Akiteru and Yamaguchi can walk me home after practice."

Hinata was quiet for a moment before he asked, "Are you okay?"

"Aki made me tell Coach and Sensei my medical history so they knew this was a possibility. I shouldn't get kicked off the team," he groaned lightly.

"That's not what I asked."

"I'm fine now," he took a few deep breaths, "there has been a lot going on, but I'm fine now."

* * *

Akiteru rushed home after Kei texted him. Kei didn't want to tell him what happened but Yamaguchi told him either it was his brother or his mother and Aki was the better choice. He didn't want to know if his mother would care enough to show up for him. His brother, on the other hand, doted on him. It was annoying and he wished that he wouldn't, but at the same time Kei understood. There was no one there to parent Aki like he parented Kei, so for now he was willing to put up with it.

"Are you okay?" Aki put his hands on Kei's shoulders like he was checking him over for physical injuries.

Kei rolled his eyes, "I'm fine."

"What happened?" he demanded.

"I got overwhelmed." Kei pushed his hands off his shoulders, "I don't know why. It probably won't happen again. It hasn't happened before."

"Kei," he scolded, "You don't know that it won't happen again."

He clenched his teeth, "I'm dealing with it. I know how to manage myself, it snuck up on me."

Aki sighed and Kei knew what his brother was going to say before he even opened his mouth. They have had this argument before and they will most likely have it again, "I know you don't want to go to a doctor..." Kei tried to leave the room, "Listen to me! I just want to make sure you're okay!"

"There's nothing wrong with me!" he yelled.

"You don't even believe that yourself!" Akiteru yelled back.

They both froze. Akiteru had always worked hard to make sure Kei felt normal, but he never did. He always knew that he was different in one way or another. But that never mattered to Aki, never, and he always tried to make sure that Kei knew that.

Kei practically snarled at him, "Don't bring that up."

"What, that you're gay?" he taunted. If they were going to get into this, they might as well get all the way into it, "You're the only one who cares about that, Kei. I don't care. Shoyou just wants to be with you. Tadashi might be upset that you felt like you couldn't tell him. Only you think that there's something wrong with you."

"Don't bring him up."

His voice became gentler, "Shoyou or Tadashi? Because you're pushing both of them away. Don't do that to yourself, Kei. Let yourself be happy." Kei stared hard at the wall, "Look, we can argue about your sexuality all you want but there are people who care about you. There are also people who care and can help about you shutting down."

"I don't want to talk about it, Aki," he whispered at the wall.

Aki let out a resigned sigh, "Fine, I'll let you off the hook for right now, but the subject isn't dropped."

* * *

Kei had Portuguese books in his room. Hinata had refused to take all of them home saying he didn't want to take them back and forth every week. Hinata hadn't been there in weeks and yet his books remained. Kei thought that maybe he should return them. Or maybe he could keep using them, he was learning the language alongside Hinata, even though he had no use for it other than one day he could say he knew both basic English and basic Portuguese.

At morning practice Kei fully intended on asking Hinata if he wanted his books back, but "Do you want to keep working on Portuguese together? It doesn't have to be at my house," came out of his mouth instead.

Hinata looked at him curiously and nodded slowly, "I would like that," he grinned, "It was so hard trying to do it by myself. How did I get so used to you teaching me things."

"Two years of being stuck together," Kei shrugged.

"Nah," Hinata said dismissively, "You like me." His eyes widened when he realized what he said,"I mean. We're friends now. You choose to help me."

Kei shrugged again, "Whatever."

The following Thursday Hinata was at his house again. He thought that it would be awkward but surprisingly it wasn't. They managed to act like normal people and there was no tension. It was almost like they actually were friends. Kei wasn't sure how he felt about that. Could he be friends with Hinata like that? Maybe it was worth trying.

After all of their normal homework was done and they had a refresher Portuguese lesson, they weren't sure what to do. Now was about the time they usually started kissing but it didn't feel right, not that Kei could say what felt right about all of the other times.

"Thanks for your help," Hinata said as he began packing up his stuff, "Can I come back next week?"

"Yeah. Yes. If you're planning on graduating you need all of the help you can get."

Hinata smiled at him, "Don't be mean to me."

Kei bit back his own smile, "I'm always mean."

He walked Hinata to the door and right before Hinata turned the knob to leave he grabbed a handful of Kei's shirt and pulled him down for one swift kiss, "Thanks again." Then he was gone.

Kei stared at the door. That was the most date-like thing they had ever done.

* * *

Kei needed new glasses. He was squinting too much in class and soon it was going to affect how he was playing. He was useless if he couldn't read the chalkboard or block a volleyball. Begrudgingly he told Akiteru that he needed to go into town to get his eyes checked and get new glasses and his brother sent him money before he could even ask. Kei didn't like relying on Aki for such a thing but when he bought him his sports glasses in first year he told him to let him know when they needed to be replaced and he would help.

Akiteru couldn't come into town with him and Kei counted his blessings because he was sure to be overbearing and make Kei try on every pair of frames the store had regardless of price or style. He just wanted to get in and out as painlessly as possible. His regular optometrist also sold frames out of her office so Kei only had to make one stop, which made the errand much easier.

The office was empty when he entered, but every time he was there it felt like he was the only customer. He couldn't remember a time where he had to wait to be helped. As soon as he entered a small woman appeared from behind the counter and bustled him towards a chair so she could begin his eye exam. He went through the various tests before she told him what he already knew.

"Your prescription changed. That's normal, your eyes change as you grow. You'll be needing new glasses then? Do you want to replace the lenses in what you have already or also get new frames?"

Kei reached into his bag and took out his sports glasses case, "I want new lenses for these," he handed the case over, "I'm going to look at frames, I'm not sure if I want a change."

The doctor took his sports glasses from him and attached a post-it note to the case to mark that they were his and nodded at him, "Feel free to look around at what we have."

Kei stood and slowly made his way around the store part of the office. The store was split into three sections, children's, men's, and women's. He could remember trying on colorful frames in the children's section when he was younger but nothing that bright would suit him now, especially if he didn't want to stand out. He looked at all of the different shapes he could choose from. His black rectangular glasses had lasted him a good while, maybe it was time for something new.

He picked up a larger frame, it was still somewhat rectangular but the lines were softer. The larger size and lack of lower rim meant they didn't hide his eyes as much. They were nice. Kei adjusted the glasses and his hair in the mirror and tried to picture himself looking like that every day. It didn't make the worst picture.

"Do you like those?" the doctor came up from behind him to ask. He met her eyes in the mirror and nodded. "Perfect. Now I can have both pairs done for you next week. But for your sports glasses, do you need them? You can keep them for now and I can install the new lenses when you come pick up the new pair."

"Keep them, it's fine," he mumbled. He already handed him over and he was too embarrassed to take them back. He could go a week practicing with his normal glasses, and if they broke a replacement was already on the way so it didn't matter. The doctor accepted his answer and said she would phone him in a week when they were ready.

The first time he showed up to practice without his sports glasses Coach Ukai tried to subtly ask him if he had forgotten something and Kei had to explain that he was getting new ones. Then it seemed like every other person who saw him made a comment about it until he blew up and loudly announced that he would be wearing these glasses for the next few days and they could all get over it. Yamaguchi laughed at him later-- he couldn't do it in the gym, something about his reputation as captain.

As promised a week later he received a call from the doctor and he returned to the shop to pick up his new glasses. He paid with Akiteru's money, kept the old pair as a spare just in case, and left the shop with a clearer view of the world.

While he was in town he wanted to stop at the music store and see if there was anything interesting he could pick up but he was only two blocks away from the glasses shop when he heard someone calling for him.

"Kei? Is that you?" He said loudly, "What are you doing in these parts?"

Kei turned slowly and saw his father. Months had gone by since the last time they saw each other. "Hello," he said stiffly, ignoring the last question. He lived around here too, he didn't need to answer for what he was doing here.

"Have you met my lovely wife?" he gestured to the woman next to him.

He didn't even register that his father was with someone. The woman was a bit taller than his father but Kei didn't look at her long enough to take in any of her features, she wasn't someone he wanted to remember, "Yes," he said politely, "I have met my mother. I believe you're not yet divorced."

His father's face turned red, "Don't get smart with me."

"What are you going to do? Ground me?" Kei shot back.

He took a few steps forward and for a moment Kei thought that he was going to hit him. Instead his father stopped one step away and looked up at him, "I don't remember my son always looking so queer. Get a haircut. Get contacts."

Kei's eyes widened and he saw his father smirk like he knew that he had won. Kei took a deep breath to steady himself, "Good thing I've never been your son."

He turned and ran, not caring about how uncool he looked and completely forgetting about his plans to go to the music shop.

* * *

When Akiteru was over a few days later he immediately told Kei how much he liked his new glasses and how much they suited him.

Kei wanted to tell him to shut up, that he didn't need to be doted on like a child who was playing dress up, he simply bought something that he needed to get by in his everyday life.

Instead he asked, “Aki do I look gay?”

Akiteru squinted at him, “I mean, you are gay, but what is that supposed to mean?”

“Aki!” Kei said in a warning tone. His brother knew exactly what he was asking and was dodging the question. He didn't need to be protected all the time. Especially by his brother.

“Well," he started carefully, "You look well put together all the time and some people can construe that as you being gay. Why?”

Kei ran a frustrated hand through his hair and looked away, “I ran into dad while I was picking up my glasses.” He hadn't told Aki earlier about his encounter with their father because he knew that his reaction was going to be.

“What!”

That was it. "It wasn't a big deal," Kei grumbled, "He told me that I looked gay."

Akiteru looked at him like he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, "What did you do?"

"I told him I wasn't his son and ran away," Kei ran his hands down his face in embarrassment.

Aki tried to hold back his laugh, "Don't laugh at me. He also asked if I had met his wife and I told him that I have met our mother and they're not divorced yet."

Akiteru couldn’t hold back anymore and burst out laughing, "Kei that's wonderful. You did great."

He frowned at his brother's joy, "But he knew. Did he just look at me and know? Am I obvious? What am I supposed to do?"

"Kei calm down," Aki said between giggles, "He was just trying to be mean to you, and you reacted so he might try the same tactic again. If you really want to get back at him you'd date Shoyou and tell him that he was right, but I know that you won't do that for some bizarre reason."

"Self preservation," he mumbled.

Akiteru continued on like he didn't hear him, "But it doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks of you. Remember, it only matters what I think of you, and I love you."

"Ugh," Kei groaned, "You're so embarrassing."

* * *

They had their first weekend training camp of the year and Kei was looking forward to it. Sure, he was not looking forward to sleeping in a cramped room with that many people but the camp would really help improve their teamwork. He was disgusted with himself the second that he thought that, maybe he had been spending too much time with Hinata. Kei knew that optimism couldn't be contracted via saliva but he wiped his mouth anyway like he could rid himself of it that simply.

The camp was the same one they had gone to when he was in his first year. It was still a bit run down and it still smelled like sweat and needed a good cleaning but it was fairly comfortable. They were only going to be there to sleep and eat anyway. After they dropped off their belongings they quickly made their way to the volleyball court to warm up.

Yamaguchi led the team in their warm up stretches and Kei marveled at how much of a real captain he was. Of course he knew that his friend was the captain of the team, he saw him in action every day and spoke to him about what to do with the team, but he couldn't help but be proud of everything he was doing. He hoped that Yamaguchi knew that he was doing a great job and even if they didn't make it to Nationals everyone he left behind would still remember him fondly.

Warm thoughts aside, the first day of the camp was brutal. They split into two teams for practice matches and played set after set. The Kei of two years ago would not have been able to handle that many sets in a row, he hadn't realized just how much his stamina had increased. Even with his boosted stamina sweat poured down his face and made his hair stick to his forehead.

Occasionally his glasses would fog up and he needed to take a break and get some water to stop himself from overheating. It was rough.

The first years did better than they expected. None of them threw up, a fact that Hinata bemoaned loudly because he couldn't be the only person to ever throw up due to volleyball. The first years were too polite to laugh at him but Kei and Kageyama were not nearly as nice.

Twenty teen aged boys crammed into a room generally wasn't his idea of a good time but as they all got ready for bed after their first night of training and after they had all bathed, even Kei was infected by their general good mood. They had split up into groups and separated around the room to socialize with their friends before lights out. Kei sat on his futon with his headphones on his ears and he scrolled through playlists trying to find something to listen to.  
Yamaguchi was busy talking to Kageyama and Yachi, which was fine, he needed time to decompress anyway.

Next to him three of the first years were talking quietly. They most likely thought that he couldn't hear them due to his headphones but he didn't react to them even though he could.

"So you asked him out?" one of them whispered.

"Yeah, and he said yes," the other replied.

The third jumped up and threw his hands in the air, "Alright! My man has a boyfriend!" He seemed to realize that he drew all of the attention in the room to his small group and was properly embarrassed considering his friends were trying to have a private conversation. The three of them looked around unsure of how their teammates would react.

Hinata broke the awkward silence, "Nice! Does he go to our school or play volleyball?"

He managed to stutter out that the other boy went to their school and most of their other teammates congratulated him on managing to get into a relationship. His friends groaned that they weren't so lucky. Kei chose a playlist.

After an adequate amount of time passed Kei left the room to go to the bathroom. He didn't actually have to go but he needed to get out of the room, it had become suffocating with something that he didn't want to think about. Kei slowly walked down the hall and scrolled through his phone, he wasn't looking for anything in particular but it kept his hands busy and that was enough for now.

When he reached the end of the hallway he sat down and kept scrolling. He just needed a bit more time and then he could go back. He needed to be back in time for lights out anyway.

After a few minutes Hinata sat down next to him. Kei glanced at him but kept his attention on his phone.

"So what do you think about it?" Hinata asked.

Kei hummed.

Hinata stretched his legs next to him, "No one minded. It was nice."

"Hinata," Kei put down his phone, "please stop. You know I don't want to do this."

"Why not, Kei?" he whispered.

Kei glanced down the hall and when he saw no one there he grabbed a handful of Hinata's hair and pulled him in for a hard kiss, "You know I can't do this Shoyou. Don't make me, please," he whispered back.

He nodded quietly.

After a few more minutes they went back to the room with everyone else, slipping in right before lights out. Kei's heart pounded in his chest. What if someone saw them? What if someone heard them use their names? Sleep was hard to come by that night but eventually the exhaustion of the day caught up to him.

* * *

Kei thought that the fear of getting caught would make him stop seeing Hinata. It was the only logical step. He did his best to act natural for the remainder of the training camp, and that meant talking to Hinata when necessary, but he knew that he was going to have to break things off with him eventually. It wasn't like they were in a relationship, they simply needed to stop doing whatever it was they were doing.

He really did intend to stop. Kei figured that he had a modicum of self control. That he could have Hinata at his house to study and they could manage to not kiss was not just wishful thinking. But Hinata smiled at him just right and he smiled back and of course they ended up on top of each other and really who was he to stop this anyway.

Shoyou always felt like a comforting weight in his lap and he never seemed to mind that Kei stretched out the hems of his shirts with how much he tangled and gripped his fingers in them. For the most part Kei could tell if Shoyou was wearing a shirt that they had kissed in by the impressions his fingers left. He liked leaving marks like that, it was equal parts exhilarating and terrifying but they were so subtle he doubted that anyone noticed. Perhaps even Shoyou or his mother, who he guessed did his laundry, didn't notice. But Kei did and it gave him a small thrill.

He didn't pull at Shoyou's shirts with the intentions of ruining them though, he also didn't pull at them with the intention of getting them off of him. Holding them tightly was the best Kei could do to keep his hands to himself. While Shoyou didn't mind touching his hair, his shoulders, his waist, his hips (until Kei stopped him), Kei tried to keep his hands firmly in place. Occasionally he had to pull Shoyou back down by the back of his neck, or he touched his cheek, but the most time he held onto his shirt and didn't move.

Shoyou never questioned why and he appreciated it. Kei's palms itched to feel his skin but at the same time he didn't want to know. It wasn't something that he needed to know. It wasn't going to help him in school or volleyball or life, he didn't need to know what the skin of his sides or stomach felt like under his hands, it wouldn't do him any good.

It was enough that he knew what Shoyou's weight felt like on top of him. That he knew Shoyou was a playful kisser who preferred to tease and withhold than have one long and steady kiss. It was enough to have Shoyou's legs bracket his hips as he hovered over him just out of reach because he was trying to make Kei complain like it was a game he had long since mastered. And Kei would whine or groan every time and Shoyou would reward him another round of quick kisses.

When he couldn't pretend that it was enough he would grab the back of Shoyou's neck and try and pull a longer kiss out of him before putting his hands right back where they belonged. Sometimes Shoyou indulged him but just as often he pulled away and smirked at him as if to say, you won't give me what I want so why should I give you what you want, or maybe Kei was reading too much into a simple upturn of lips.

Kei sighed into one of his quick kisses when his door burst open.

"Kei, what do you--" Akiteru let himself in, "Oh, hi Shoyou. Are you going to stay for dinner?"

Shoyou sat up on Kei's thighs and smiled at Aki, "No, not today. I need to get going soon."

"Okay, it was good to see you again. Let me know when you want to stay and I'll make extras," he gave them a thumbs up and left the room.

Kei threw his arms over his face and groaned, "He's so embarrassing. You think by twenty-three he'd know how to knock on a door."

Shoyou roughly crashed their lips together, their teeth clanked together in a way that hadn't happened in months thanks to growing experience. Before Kei could even ask what that was all about, Shoyou laughed into the kiss, "Someone saw us. Someone saw us and you're still talking to me. Kei that's so good."

"I'm not a child," he grumbled.

Akiteru walked into the room again, "I mean to ask, what do you want for dinner?"

Kei shot up off the floor and knocked Shoyou off of him, "Aki!" he yelled, "What are you doing? No! Don't answer that. I don't want to know. I'm not going to eat with you tonight."

Kei ignored Shoyou's stifled laughter and Akiteru's pouting. He was definitely not the childish one in this situation.

(Later, long after Shoyou had left and he had dinner alone in his room, Kei thought about his unadulterated joy over not being ignored. He felt... something. Bad? Disappointed? Ashamed? Afraid? He didn't want to make Shoyou feel unimportant, he just couldn't afford to make him too important.)

* * *

Akiteru was nervous. Saeko was coming over for dinner with Tanaka. Aki kept trying to get Kei to call him Ryuu but he outright refused. Their siblings may be dating but that didn't mean they had to be close. His life was already filled with annoying people, he didn't need to add another on to the list. He had managed to go this long without running into his loud and over enthusiastic senpai, he didn't need to encourage his brother by getting familiar with people.

Aki kept calling it a family dinner but the four of them were not a family and he was pretty sure none of them had any memory of what a family dinner should be. As far as Kei knew, Tanaka was in a fairly similar situation to him where his older sibling was his guardian so they were all severely lacking in the family department.

At first they had discussed cooking but Kei and Aki stood in the kitchen together and argued over what the best things to make would be and how much they would need to make until Kei yelled "Why don't we just order dinner!" and they both realized that was an excellent option and would not end up with any part of their house destroyed or either of them maimed in the process. If they were trying to display the Tsukishima family as presentable, takeout was definitely the way to go.

Saeko and Tanaka arrived a few minutes earlier than they said they would, much to Kei's surprise (Aki elbowed him in the side before he could voice that thought) and soon the four of them were seated around the dinner table. They almost looked like a family. It was definitely weird.

Akiteru fell into easy conversation with Saeko and Tanaka but Kei kept to himself. Or, he would have kept to himself but the trio of new best friends would not let him. They were boisterous and friendly and no one had even broken out the alcohol yet. Sitting with all of them Kei could see just how alike the siblings were, he wasn't sure if he and Aki were alike at all.

Aki caught him staring and smiled at him. Kei shoved food in his mouth.

"Are you going to make it to Nationals again?" Tanaka asked loudly.

Kei drew his attention away from his brother and looked at his former teammate, "I hope so. Yamaguchi is doing a good job leading the team. We're strong and we should go far."

All three of them reached out to slap his back and shoulders to congratulate his spirit, "That's what we like to hear!" He tried not to flinch away from the sharp increase in volume and touching.

"What about you, Akiteru?" Tanaka asked, "Do you still play?"

His brother nodded, "I play with a local team but work keeps me busier than I'd like."

Saeko scoffed loudly, "You guys are great! I mean, you don't have any heartwarming speeches in the middle of games like the high school kids do all the time, but you're fun to watch," she batted her eyelashes a bit and Aki blushed.

If the four of them actually became family, it would definitely be Kei's personal version of hell.

* * *

"You're coming to my house tonight," Yamaguchi announced on their walk to school.

"Okay?" he asked hesitantly, "Is there any reason why?"

Yamaguchi shrugged, "We should spend more time together."

Kei was willing to accept that answer until a video game controller was placed in his hands. They were doing that thing where they sat next to each other so they could talk, but he didn't know what they were going to talk about. Silently they picked characters and he waited for Yamaguchi to bring up whatever it was that he wanted to talk about.

Eventually Yamaguchi took a deep breath, I know that something has been bothering you for a long time, please talk to me."

Kei ran his character right off the stage, immediately ending the match. They started a new one and Yamaguchi let him be quiet throughout most of it, "I'm trying to figure out how to tell you," he said after a while.

Yamaguchi nodded, "Okay, I'll wait."

He barely finished speaking before Kei blurted out "I'm gay."

"Yeah."

Kei put his controller down and effectively let Yamaguchi win, "What do you mean 'yeah'?"

"I mean we've been friends for like ten years, of course I know that. In middle school school when we talked about girls you looked like you wanted to die and in high school you never looked at Shimizu or Yachi like everyone else in the volleyball club," he explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So you knew?" He asked incredulously.

"Yes."

"And you never said anything."

Yamaguchi looked at him like he was stupid, "You wouldn't have wanted me to. You don't want me to right now."

"I guess that's true," Kei grumbled.

Yamaguchi picked up Kei's controller and handed it to him so they could continue playing, "That's all that's been bothering you? I mean, it's not that big a deal, I don't get why you're so bothered by it."

"That's all that's been bothering you," he mocked.

He bumped their arms roughly, "What else is bothering you then?"

"I've been making out with Hinata every week. Is that enough for you?"

Yamaguchi snorted and Kei did not appreciate his friend's amusement, "Well that's news." Kei could hear the smile in his voice but he refused to turn and look at it for himself.

Kei didn't like that he was taking his announcement so lightly. He wasn't hurt that Yamaguchi wasn't shocked, but he expected something other than a 'yeah, duh' attitude, “It’s not like you tell me what you get up to with Yachi,” he said petulantly.

“At least you knew I was dating her,” he shot back quickly.

“I’m not dating him.”

Yamaguchi hummed lightly and shook his head side to side like he was making a decision, “And we’ve kissed and I’ve touched her thighs but not her breasts”

If Kei's hands weren't full he would have covered his ears. He didn't want to hear any of that. They could keep their private lives private, “I don’t need to know this,” he groaned.

“You asked!” Yamaguchi said, sounding surprisingly offended. When Kei kept his mouth shut he couldn't help but ask, “What have you done with Hinata?”

Kei sighed, he didn't want to answer but they were already talking about it, so he might as well, “Just kiss.”

Yamaguchi made a surprised noise, Kei wasn't sure how he felt about that, “Do you want to do more?” he asked curiously.

He took a moment to appreciate how accepting his friend was. He was genuinely asking about Kei's life and he really wanted to know, even if it was about his not-relationship with Hinata.

“No.” He wasn't sure if he was being honest.

“Really? I’ve thought about having se-” Okay, maybe Yamaguchi was too honest.

“Stop. I don’t need to know this.” This time he actually dropped the controller and covered his ears. Yamaguchi could call him a child if he wanted to, Kei wouldn't hear it.

* * *

They really should have been studying for the math test that was coming up, but that wasn't nearly as exciting or mentally stimulating as Shoyou's fingers in his hair as they kissed.

Shoyou had demanded that they take a break before they tackle his math work because he wasn't ready to think about the test just yet. Kei didn't care enough to fight him over it. He did care when Shoyou hopped on his bed to look at one of the dinosaur figures on the shelves above his bed. Kei jumped up after him to take the figure out of his hand and put it back in its proper spot but he pushed him over in the process.

And then Shoyou was laying on his bed. They stared at each other for only a moment before he reached out to Kei and pulled him down too. While in his room they had only ever kissed on the floor, his bed was uncharted territory. Kei fell down next to him and they slowly leaned towards each other to kiss. It was different up there, the energy had a different sort of charge and Kei couldn't help but remember Yamaguchi telling him that he thought about having sex with Yachi. They'd probably do it on a bed and not the floor.

After a few careful kisses, as if they were trying to regain their equilibrium, Shoyou pushed himself on top of Kei. Kei immediately tangled his hands in Shoyou's shirt. It was just like if they were on the floor, but in the back of his mind he still knew that it was different. Something was still different.

One majorly different thing was he didn't usually think about Yamaguchi and Yachi while they were kissing but again he remembered his friend telling him that he touched her thighs and for some reason that memory made his fingers twitch. He pulled at Shoyou's shirt, twisting the fabric between his fingers before releasing it all at once. If he was going to do it, he might as well do it. It's not like it was skin, anyway.

He slid his hands down Shoyou's sides and hips and without any warning gripped the back of his thighs roughly with his long fingers.

Shoyou reacted immediately, moaning into Kei's mouth and instinctively bucking his hips. He broke the kiss to apologize but Kei surged forward and gave him a quick kiss to silence him.

But after that they weren't sure what to do. So Kei rolled them over so they were laying side by side and could face each other. He put his hand back on Shoyou's shirt.

“Do you think about sex?” he blurted out, immediately looking away. He remembered why him and Yamaguchi had conversations when they couldn't look at each other. It was easier.

Shoyou nodded once, “Yes,” he said seriously.

Kei felt his face burn. He didn't even know why he was asking this. He didn't want to know the answer. Yes or no he didn't know how he was supposed to react, “Do you think about sex with me?”

Shoyou bit his lip and looked away shyly, “If I say yes are you going to make me leave?” Kei could hear the hesitancy in his voice and that was answer enough.

“No.”

“Then yes”.

His face heated up more. “Oh, I’ve never really thought about it,” he said shyly. It was true too. Even after his conversation with Yamaguchi or years before when he was trying to figure out his sexuality. He thought about kissing, he thought a bit about touching, but he never completely thought about sex. He wasn't actually sure where he would start. He didn't want to look at porn. None of it seemed right, it was easier to just not do it.

“Your brother told me we shouldn’t do it,” Shoyou covered his face with his hands. He didn't often see him embarrassed. It was kind of cute.

Kei shook his head. He had enough of thinking about other people right now. He grabbed Shoyou’s wrist and pulled his arm down, “We’re not talking about him right now,” he leaned forward and kissed him again. And again.

Kei kept kissing him until he felt like no matter how close they were, no matter how much their bodies were pressed together, it wasn't enough. For once he was frustrated enough to admit that it wasn't enough. And maybe it was that he finally let himself think about sex, but he broke the kiss and whispered almost inaudible, “I think. I want to make you come.”

But Shoyou was close enough to hear him and groaned loudly, "I can't believe you just said that.”

Kei put his leg between Shoyou's and grabbed onto his thigh again. He didn't know where all of this confidence was coming from, but then again his heart was pounding so hard in his chest he could hear it; it almost blocked out every other sound as if pounded in his ears. Maybe there wasn't any confidence at all.

They kissed with renewed desperation and Shoyou ground down against his thigh. The feeling of him hard against his thigh made his head spin. They had just started and there was already too much going on at once. He had asked to do this but he wanted it to stop, he needed it to stop. But the kissing was still nice and what if he made them stop and then they stopped forever. He gasped lightly but Shoyou took it as an encouraging noise and continued on, Kei was still returning the kiss and holding on to him, he had no reason to think otherwise, especially if Shoyou could feel that Kei was hard as well.

It was just another time where his mind and body didn't agree with each other.

He pushed Shoyou away.

"We need to stop," he panted, "I need to stop."

Shoyou looked like he wanted to protest but he agreed quickly when he saw how shaken Kei looked. "Do you want me to--" he started.

Kei reached out to grab his wrist but pulled back at the last second. He couldn't handle the physical contact just yet. "There's a bathroom right there if you want to take care of that," he nodded his head towards the wall his room shared with the bathroom.

It wasn't until Shoyou's face lit up did Kei realize that he just invited him to masturbate in his house. He was about to take it back but Shoyou nodded stiffly and got off the bed to leave the room. Kei wasn't sure if he was actually going to get off or if he thought Kei needed some space or if he was going to leave altogether. He heard the bathroom door click closed and crossed leaving off the list, all of his schoolwork was still here too.

The idea that Shoyou might be getting off one room away from him was enough to make him remember that he was still hard too. Mentally he thought his body was a traitor but at the same time he was calculating how fast he could finish and clean up and if he could do it before Shoyou came back. Before he could talk himself into doing risk-benefit calculations or anything like that, he shoved a hand into his pants. He came in three strokes. Turned out he had plenty of time.

Shoyou slipped back into his room a few minutes later. His hair was messy and his clothes were rumpled and Kei could tell that he was being extra careful, he wasn't sure how Kei was going to react to what just happened and there was no polite way to check if he was still mentally present.

Kei cleared his throat awkwardly and crossed the room to where he was standing. Hesitantly he reached out and ran a hand through Shoyou's hair. The back of his mind was screaming with the fact he just cleaned his semen off that hand and if he were to kiss him now it would be terribly hot.

"I'm sorry," Kei mumbled, keeping his hand tangled in Shoyou's hair.

He smiled up at him, "It's okay."

"Thank you," he leaned down and kissed him lightly, nothing more than a quick peck. Even with how conflicted he was with their earlier activity his stomach churned with how much he enjoyed the feeling of their lips pressed together, "Can you leave, please?"

He didn't understand how something could be both the best and worst things he had ever done.

* * *

At school the next day Kei wasn't sure what he was going to do or how he was going to act. Frankly he was impressed that he managed to stay present all night but that did not mean he could treat Hinata like he normally did at school. Did he remember how he normally treated him? No, he was being stupid, he would be fine.

If Yamaguchi noticed that Kei was acting weird on the walk to school he didn't say anything. Kei already told him one big secret recently, he was allowed some cool down time before Yamaguchi started poking around again and he revealed what happened. He really hoped that he never had to reveal what happened to anyone but it seemed unlikely. There were so many nosy people in his life. Maybe he needed to talk to less people. That was it, he needed to shrink his social circle even more. But he most likely couldn't get rid of Akiteru and Yamaguchi, so it wouldn’t really help.

He groaned out loud and Yamaguchi snickered even though he didn't know what was causing Kei distress.

"We're almost at school and then you can sit down and pretend to pay attention," his friend consoled.

Kei sighed, "Are you letting me skip morning practice then."

"Nope!"

"Cruel."

In the club room Kei hesitated in taking off his shirt. Nothing they did would have marked his skin in any way but what if it did? What if they could look at him and tell? He was already so uncomfortable in his body, he didn't need more to worry about. He took a deep breath and removed his shirt. He felt like he was on fire the entire time he was exposed but nothing actually burst into flames. Like most other mornings, he got changed without incident.

Hinata and Kageyama were already in the gym, they were always the first to arrive. When they became third-years they both received a set of keys to the gym. They used to race to see who could unlock the gym first until one of them broke the key in the lock and Takeda-sensei scolded them. Apparently it was terrifying enough to make them stop. Now they only raced to the door handle.

When Kei walked into the gym Hinata jumped straight into the net. Kageyama immediately started yelling at him but Yamaguchi stared Kei down. He officially knew that something had happened. Wonderful. He took a sip of his water even though he hadn't done anything physical yet, it was a good barrier against questioning.

Mid-way through morning practice, when he actually did need a water break, he stood awkwardly by Hinata. "Hi," he said stiltedly.

Hinata stood up ram-rod straight, "Hi."

"Ah," Kei wasn't sure what he wanted to say, "do you want to run some blocking drills later?"

Hinata looked surprised. Surprised that Kei was asking him to do something with him, surprised that Kei was managing to speak to him after last night. His smile lit up his whole face, "Sure! That sounds great!"

He looked at Kei like he hung the moon. It was so bright it was difficult to look at.

* * *

Kei hovered by Akiteru's door. He wanted to talk to his brother. Well, he didn't want to talk to Aki about anything but he figured at this point his brother was his best shot at getting a decent answer and he required the least amount of background explaining. Kei could have chosen Yamaguchi for this talk but he had to look at his friend every day, at least Akiteru was only around most days and even then he was easily avoidable. His best friend, not so much.

Kei hadn't been in Akiteru's room for a long time. He didn't know the protocol anymore. Could he just walk in? Should he knock? Would it be better to just sit in the living room and wait for him to leave his room? He could send a text message saying that he wanted to talk, that sounded like a safe idea.

"Are you going to come in or are you going to stand there all night?" Aki called from inside his bedroom, "I can see your shadow from the door."

He looked at his feet like they betrayed him and took a breath before entering the room. The room hadn't changed much since the last time he was there. The volleyball posters that had been ripped down years prior had been replaced with new ones, there was a framed picture of Saeko next to one of the two of them that Kei didn't remember taking. Akiteru's room looked lived in and Kei couldn't help but feel guilty. If it weren't for him Aki could stay at his apartment or with his girlfriend more than he did but instead he was stuck taking care of him.

"You don't have to keep taking care of me," Kei said finally. He put his hands behind his back and dug his nails into his palm. It was calming.

Akiteru looked at him with calculating eyes, "I choose to be here y'know. I don't think you're a burden. If I wanted to go do something else I'd do it," he tilted his head a bit, "Okay, I'd probably talk to you about it first and then go do it."

Kei shook his head, "You're lying. Either to me or yourself. You're lying."

"What's going on, Kei?" he closed his book and sat up. This talk was worrying to say the least, "Is this what you came here to say?"

He laughed bitterly, "No."

Aki patted the bed next to him. When Kei was young he used to sneak into Akiteru's room at night and lay with him when he wanted advice. If he needed advice now then it was time to bring back an old tradition. It didn't matter how old they were, it didn't matter that their relationship was different than it was all those years ago, some things didn't have to change.

He hesitated but he crawled into the bed next to his brother and stared up at the ceiling. There was one glow in the dark star still stuck up there from when they were children and Kei was interested in space. The other stars had fallen down long ago and this one was so old it didn't glow any more but Akiteru never bothered to take it down. Kei was thankful, it was a good thing to concentrate on.

"I know you like to push me away but what's going on?" Akiteru asked, getting straight to the point. Kei concentrated on the star. He counted the points and the sides. He wondered if he could calculate the angles. "Kei."

"I'm going to graduate soon," he said suddenly, "You should live your life."

"Are you worried about what's going to happen after you graduate?" Akiteru moved to his side so he could better look at him but Kei kept his focus on the ceiling. This wasn't the conversation that he meant to have yet here they were.

He shook his head, "I'm going to go to college." Akiteru nodded and opened his mouth to speak but Kei cut him off before he could get a word out, "What are you going to do when you don't need to take care of me?"

Akiteru laughed. He tried to cover it up but it slipped through his lips and his fingers until it shook through his whole body. Kei didn't know what was so funny about what he just said but he did know that he was offended that his brother found it so humorous. "I do other things Kei," he snorted, "I have a job and a girlfriend, I still play volleyball. I have friends. And besides, just because you're going to go to college doesn't mean you don't need someone to take care of you, especially since--"

Kei groaned, "Don't say it."

"You refuse to go to a doctor about it."

"You're the worst," he mumbled as he roughly rubbed his hands against his thighs.

Akiteru laughed again, "Yup. So is that what you wanted? To tell me that my work here is done? I don't accept my termination, by the way."

Kei ignored his brother's attempt at humor and focused on the star again. His quietness was enough to tell his brother that they weren't done talking yet so Akiteru got comfortable on the bed and waited for him to speak. They laid in silence for a few minutes, the air was heavy but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was a weight that they were used to.

"What do I do about Hinata?" he whispered after he stared at the star so hard his eyes unfocused.

"Go out with him," Aki shot back right away.

Kei sat up, "I can't just do that."

Akiteru put his arms behind his head, "Why not? He comes over here and cooks a snack for you once a week and then you make out. How are you not dating already?" Kei looked away, desperate to find a new thing to focus on. He picked the doorknob. "What's stopping you?"

He licked his lips. When did his mouth get so dry? "He seems like he'd want a very open relationship. Everyone would know. I don't... I can't do that. Then he's going to leave."

"Oh, Kei," he sighed, "you're just guessing those things. You two could have been dating for a long time by now. And I talked to him about him leaving and he told me that you two could try a long distance relationship."

"No," Kei shook his head, "It's not going to work."

* * *

Yachi was extra frazzled at lunchtime, even Yamaguchi couldn't get her to a normal level of calmness. "Is it just me or is every teacher talking about preparing for what we're going to do after graduation?" she placed her head on the desk roughly, "I'm not ready! Maybe I'll purposefully fail and I can stay here an extra year. Yeah, then I can be the manager another year and I'll be extra prepared for college."

Yamaguchi waved his hands frantically, "Hitoka, I don't think you can fail, I think they'll make you graduate. You're too smart."

"I am!" she wailed, "Why am I so smart! Why can't I be dumb and not have to worry about anything?"

"You mean like these two?" Kei pointed his thumb towards Hinata and Kageyama who were watching the theatrics like it was dinner theater.

"Hey!" Hinata said offended, "You've been helping me get better grades for years. If anything you just insulted yourself. So take that!"

Kei shrugged, "His Majesty over here is still an idiot though."

Kageyama glared at him while he finished his milk box. After he got every last drop he said "I don't need good grades to be in the V-League. There are going to be scouts at the tournament."

"There are always scouts at tournaments, you're not special," he scoffed.

Kageyama leaned forward, getting into Kei's space. Kei automatically leaned backwards, "I am when one of them says they're going to be there to see me."

"What!" Hinata yelled as he pulled Kageyama back by his collar, "Someone told you that? Why did no one tell me that?"

Yachi reached over and patted his hand, "They probably heard that you're planning on going to Rio after you graduate. They can't scout you if you're going to leave."

"I guess," he grumbled, temporarily placated.

Yamaguchi placed his head on the table just like Yachi did earlier, "I have to worry about the upcoming tournament and getting us to Nationals and getting into college! How did Daichi and Ennoshita manage all of this?"

Hinata brought a fist to his chest and proudly announced, "They had help."

* * *

It was their last chance to qualify for Nationals and they were on fire. For a moment Kei thought they were going to win everything in straight sets, even Shiratorizawa hadn't done that before. Of course they eventually dropped a set and their mood dropped a bit with it but they managed to pull themselves back together when they got on the court again.

Kei couldn't recall a time they played as more of a cohesive unit. There was no time. He felt a bit like he was back in his first year with a team that managed to fall in sync just when they needed. It was glorious.

When the ball landed on the court for the last time and the whistle blew, he almost missed it. He was completely overwhelmed. They were headed to Nationals again, three years running. Yamaguchi had done it, he got them there again.

He shook himself from his stupor and looked around the court for his friend and captain, he wanted-- no, needed-- to congratulate him. His eyes met Hinata's first though and he was met with another feeling. He wanted to pull Hinata into his arms and kiss him right in the middle of the court. His face must have betrayed something because Hinata's eyes widened a bit and his face turned redder, a blush to go along with the flush of exertion.

Kei looked away sharply, now wasn't the time or place for that. Nothing outside of the sanctity of his bedroom on Thursdays was the right time or place. He knew it was arbitrary but it was working for him.

Yamaguchi laughed at his side and Kei pulled him into a hug instead.

"You did it, good job," he said into the hug.

"No one will mind if you kiss him," Yamaguchi mumbled back.

Kei pushed him away but he couldn't hide how much his cheeks burned. What did he do to make himself so obvious to both of them? He hoped it was because they already knew and that anyone else watching them couldn't also tell.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi," he said instead, "just take my congratulations."

Yamaguchi laughed, "Sorry, Tsukki. I'll gladly take them."

* * *

There were too many shoes in the entry hall and experience had taught him that it probably wasn't a good sign. Volleyball practice had been rough. After they secured their ticket to Nationals they had upped intensity and Kei just wanted to take a bath and fall asleep. He should ask Akiteru to change the locks again. Or maybe he needed to yell at him for giving people the key.

Kei decided he might as well find his intruders and get it over with. He sighed loudly and rubbed his eyes as he trudged into the kitchen. Nothing could have prepared him for seeing his parents seated at the table. Both of them. Together. Kei debated turning around and leaving so he could check that he was in the right house but Akiteru was seated there as well looking as nervous as Kei felt and that offered a bit of comfort. He still couldn't dismiss the wrong house theory though. Maybe the wrong dimension. He really needed to go to bed.

"Hello," he said awkwardly when they didn't notice him.

Akiteru stood quickly, knocking his chair down in the process, "Kei! You're home," he looked at their parents at the table, "Uh, she let him in?"

"Why?" he realized at the last second that he had asked his brother so he turned to his parents and asked again, "Why?"

His father scowled at him, "Don't be rude. We have matters to discuss with you two."

Kei and Akiteru exchanged a look, they had no idea where this was going and they didn't seem to have a choice but to hear them out. They weren't going to leave and it would be more trouble than it was worth to try to kick them out so they sat down at the table. Kei didn't know if the four of them had ever sat at a table like this before. Did they ever have family dinners when he was a child? His stomach was in knots with anxiety and he dug his fingers into his thighs under the table.

"We have an announcement to make," their mother started. She looked around like she was waiting for them to react even though she hadn't actually said anything, "We're getting divorced."

"About time," he said without thinking.

His father slammed his hands on the table, "What have I said about getting smart?"

Kei glared at him. He wanted to say something back but Akiteru placed a hand on his shoulder and stopped him, "Why are you both here? There's something else, isn't there?"

Their mother looked guilty as she wrung her hands, "We need to decide what to do with the house."

Kei felt the room spin but he concentrated on the increasingly heavy weight of Akiteru's hand on his shoulder. Akiteru squeezed his shoulder and Kei knew that he was trying to calm himself down before he spoke again.

"What do you mean what to do with the house? We live here."

Their father scoffed, "You have an apartment and Kei's going to college soon, neither of you have to live here."

Kei glanced between the three adults in the room. His parents were trying to pretend that they weren't doing anything wrong and Aki was turning red, "No!" he yelled, "You two don't live here! We do!"

"Do you have the money to buy the house from us?"

"Of course we don't!"

Kei rubbed his eyes again, "I don't understand," he said slowly, "Why do you need to sell it."

"It's a marital asset," his mother explained, "We can't decide who gets it so it's going to be sold and we can split the profits."

Akiteru let out a frustrated groan, "Stop being selfish for once in your life. Both of you give up the house. Give it to me instead. Give it to both of us." Kei could hear the frantic note in his brother's voice, he wondered if their parents cared, "I don't know how to make you understand that your children live in this house."

Their parents exchanged a look but Kei didn't know what it meant.

"We'll think about it," their mother said at last.

"Great," Akiteru said coldly, "Get out."

* * *

"Kei, I have great news!" Akiteru burst into his room.

Kei looked up from his homework and sighed. He was so tired of his brother walking in like he didn't know what manners were. He understood, no one raised them, but Kei had manners, he knew how to knock on a door. He knew not to come into a teenage boy's room uninvited. He knew that if he walked in on his brother making out with someone multiple times he would figure out how to stop doing it. Shoyou wasn't here but the point remained.

"I can see you thinking mean things about me," his brother taunted, "but I don't care because I'm engaged!"

He went back to his homework, "Oh, that's it? Saeko finally asked you?"

Akiteru walked fully into the room and plucked the paper off his desk, "What do you mean, that's it? Maybe I asked her!"

"No," Kei shook his head, "She came by a while ago and told me she was going to ask you."

He sat on Kei's bed and Kei inwardly groaned, he just washed those sheets, "And you didn't tell me?"

"It was supposed to be a secret. Can I do my homework now?"

Akiteru pretended to look over Kei's homework, "I can't believe you kept a secret about my relationship from me. You don't even keep secrets about your relationship from me."

Kei grabbed the paper out of his hands, "I'm not in a relationship, and you don't know that."

Aki grinned like he caught him, "So you are keeping more secrets."

"Did she get you a ring? She said she was going to," he changed the subject quickly.

"Yes!" he held out one of his hands but there wasn't a ring there, "but it was way too big so it needs to get resized. I've been saving up to get her one but..."

Kei looked up at him when his voice took a serious turn, "But?"

Akiteru sighed, "But we may need the money. If they don't give us the house we can't afford to buy it. We need to figure out where you're going to college then I can get a bigger apartment."

He took one of the dinosaur figures off the shelves and fiddled with it. Kei wanted to tell him to put it back but he let him use it as a distraction, "I've talked to Saeko about it and she said that we could move into her house, she has her parents' house and Ryuu doesn't live there anymore. I'm not sure what we're going to do, Kei."

"It depends on what they do."

He snorted derisively, "I can't believe we need to depend on them right now. I pray they make the right choice." He put the dinosaur figure back, "If they give us the house should I invite them to the wedding?"

Kei shook his head, "They probably wouldn't show up."

* * *

  
His responsibilities were piling up around him and he worried he was going to drown. Teachers were piling on the work saying they were preparing them for college and he had to work on his time management to finish all of it. Yamaguchi, Yachi, and him had taken to getting as much work done at lunch as they possibly could because while other students had hours after school they could use to work, they were training for Nationals.

All of that on top of worrying about where he was going to be living soon had him a little bit burnt out. So it was nice when one morning before practice Yachi handed him a stack of papers and told him that she was here to help in any way that she could.

The stack included a list of every assignment due date they knew about from now until the end of the year and the best time for him to get started on them. The schedule also included volleyball practice, breaks, and extra space for surprise assignments and unexpected commitments.

He looked between her and the papers a few times, "When did you have time to make this?"

She waved her hands frantically, "I always make one for me at the end of the year and I was making one for Tadashi at the same time and you two are in the same class so I thought that you could use one as well. Do you like it?"

For a moment he seriously considered sweeping Yachi into a hug. She may have just made a copy for him but it was incredibly thoughtful and he knew that a lot of work must have gone into making it, "Thank you. I needed this."

"I really like lists and I get overwhelmed during exam time so I like to have everything laid out so it's easy to see," she explained.

The amount of things he had to do didn't decrease, but they suddenly seemed easier to deal with.

* * *

  
Nationals were just like he remembered. The stadium was huge and the crowds were loud but the second he was on the court none of that mattered. He wasn't sure if his senses were on overdrive or dulled or both while he was on the court but while he was there nothing else mattered. Not the roaring crowds, not the overwhelming lights, not the powerful smells. He was focused down to just the area he needed to protect. Nothing else mattered.

They didn't win Nationals but they placed third. It's the farthest they'd ever gotten before. In years prior he was upset when they lost but this year he could only see it as an amazing way to end his high school volleyball career. (And that was an odd way to think about it, he had never thought about having a college volleyball career before. He really needed to make sure that his top choice had a good team now.)

After their final match they collapsed on the court in exhaustion but there was no lingering despair in the air. There was only pride. Pride for their school and their captain and what they accomplished and, for the third years, the team they were leaving behind. He knew it was their last tournament but it was still so difficult to wrap his mind around the idea of the last of something so monumental.

Despite the exhaustion by the time they all got back to the room, he felt wired. There was no way he was going to fall asleep. Even sitting in the bath didn't help calm him down. He laid down on his futon and tried to sleep but nothing happened. His mind raced and his body wanted to move. He needed to get up. He needed to do something.

Some time after lights out Kei sat up and put on his glasses. As if drawn by his movement, Hinata sat up too. They made eye contact and nodded at each other. When they were out of the room Kei was going to suggest that they find somewhere and they could talk or walk around but his fingers tangled themselves in Hinata's shirt.

Hinata looked down at his shirt then up at Kei and breathed out a tiny, "Yeah," before pulling him into the bathroom.

At the end of the row of stalls was a small nook that was just big enough for them to slip into. Kei didn't know what it was for-- someone miscalculated how big the stalls should be, it was a good place to store a bucket-- but he didn't care. He sat on the floor and dragged Shoyou down to his lap and didn't care how dirty the floor was.

This was a perfectly good use of his energy.

Shoyou didn't bother with his usual teasing kisses, they were both too ramped up on adrenaline to play games like that. Kei even let go of the hem of Shoyou's shirt and allowed himself to touch the skin of his sides. They groaned into each other's mouths when he did and tried to press deeper into each other, like if only they could get closer.

They were so wrapped up in kissing and touching that they didn't notice that Yamaguchi had found them. He had woken up to two empty futons and went looking for his wayward teammates and got much more than he bargained for. He was going to call them out but he was surprised at how comfortable they looked together, even tucked into a cramped corner of a dusty bathroom.

Yamaguchi quietly took a few steps back so they were out of sight and coughed loudly so they would be alerted to his presence.

When Kei heard the cough he immediately pulled his hands out of Shoyou's shirt and placed them on the top of his thighs.

"You two shouldn't leave the room after lights out, you know the rules," Yamaguchi said, the smirk evident in his voice, "I don't care what you get up to but you can do it at home.

Shoyou looked between Yamaguchi and Kei quickly, "Wait, you know?"

"Yeah, Shoyou," Kei gasped out, "I told him."

He took a second to smile warmly at Kei but he noticed that he had gone pale and was clenching his fists, "Yamaguchi," he turned to his friend, "You need to go. We'll be there in a minute but you're freaking Kei out."

Yamaguchi was visibly surprised but he agreed and left them alone.

Kei exhaled sharply and rested his forehead on Shoyou's shoulder, "how did you know I was panicking?" he mumbled.

Shoyou ran his fingers through his hair, "You do things with your fingers when you're uncomfortable and you were squeezing my thighs." He scratched Kei's scalp gently, "I like your hair longer."

He nodded into his shoulder. Kei didn't know how he felt about Shoyou knowing such a thing about him. He knew his own ticks, of course, but he didn't know that Shoyou had recognized them as well. And it was oddly thoughtful of him to send Yamaguchi away so he could calm down in peace. Shoyou was too good for him. He took another minute to bury into Shoyou's shoulder before he was okay enough to leave. Then he waited another minute just because he could.

"We should go back now," Kei said eventually. He wasn't ready to let go, but he did.

* * *

They officially weren't high school students anymore. They got through exams and the pomp and circumstance of ceremony and officially graduated. It was weird that they had to leave. High school had become sort of a safe space. His routine was set in stone here and from day to day he knew what to expect. Karasuno rarely threw him curve balls anymore. And now he had to leave it.

Predictably, his parents didn't show up to his graduation, but Akiteru did and he brought Saeko along with him and the two of them cheered obnoxiously loudly for the five of them. Other parents and family members gave them weird looks and Kei wished that he could disappear but at the same time it was nice to know that Akiteru was there for him.

Akiteru had also found him the smallest and cheapest one room apartment near his college that he possibly could so Kei wouldn't have to live with other people. The college Kei chose was too far from Akiteru's work for them to feasibly live together and they still hadn't heard back from their parents about the house so they were being extra careful that Kei didn't end up homeless during his first year in college. Most people didn't have to worry about things like that, so Kei was grateful that Aki took care of it for him.

After the ceremony Kei was looking for Aki when Yamaguchi grabbed his shoulder, "Hey," he smiled at him, "Can you believe that we graduated? I knew that it was going to happen but now I'm not a student at Karasuno anymore and I'm not sure what to do with myself."

Kei smiled back at him, "Go to college obviously."

"So," Yamaguchi leaned in close and led his gaze over to Hinata, "Do you think you're going to ask out Hinata-- sorry, Shoyou?"

"Yamaguchi," he hissed at him.

He shrugged, "No one heard me."

He glared at his friend, "I'm not going to do that." It was none of Yamaguchi's business what he did or did not do. This wasn't a conversation that he wanted to be having.

Yamaguchi looked at him sadly, "He really cares about you, I saw it. He knew how to help you when you were upset. Stop wasting your chance."

"Tadashi," he pleaded, "I don't want to."

* * *

There were only two more weeks before Kei had to leave for college and he had to pack up his room. He needed to pack up everything just in case his parents decided to swoop in and get rid of all his things along with the house. Most of his things he could take with him to his new apartment but everything else would be stored at Akiteru's apartment instead.

He needed to start somewhere but he wasn't sure where. Kei never would have said that he had a lot of things but now that he had to remove all of them it seemed like a daunting task.

On his shelf he still had two Portuguese books. He didn't need to talk them with him, he didn't plan on keeping up with the language and he doubted that Hinata was going to keep asking him for tutoring now that they had graduated. But it would be a waste to just get rid of them. He took them off the shelf and idly flipped through them. They weren't too advance, he could just give them to Hinata and he could use them on his own.

Kei picked up his phone and opened up Hinata's contact information. For a moment he thought about calling him but he couldn't handle the onslaught of cheeriness that was sure to come if he did. Instead he opened up a text message.

**Kei:** I still have some Portuguese books. Do you want them?  
 **Hinata:** yes!  
 **Hinata:** can I come over and get them???  
 **Kei:** Sure.  
 **Hinata:** Ill be there soon!

He looked down at his phone and wondered how soon he meant. As soon as he biked over a mountain? In a few hours? Was he in the area already and would be there in a few minutes? Soon was not a time frame. Kei did not text back and ask for clarification.

Instead he started emptying his shelves into boxes. He removed the figurines and the books and the volleyball awards. His room was already looking bare and he had barely started. When the shelves were emptied he opened up the drawers of his desk and sorted through what he needed to keep and what he could get rid of, it was a tedious process.

About a third of the way through he was interrupted by Hinata knocking on his door and stepping inside. Kei made a mental note that even Hinata had more manners than his brother.

"Hey," Hinata said as he slipped inside. He looked around at the messy room, "What are you doing?"

"Packing," he said, still wrist deep in his desk.

He crossed the room and peeked at Kei's desk. Maybe he didn't have manners. "Why are you packing everything?"

Kei frowned, "My parents might sell the house while I'm at college so I want to get everything out before they do."

"Kei, that's terrible! Your parents suck!" Hinata sounded legitimately offended on his behalf.

"That's one way of putting it," he closed the desk drawer, "Do you want one last Portuguese lesson before I never look at the language again?"

He jumped up and down, "Sim, yes. Really?"

"Why not," he shrugged.

They sat at the table in his room and Kei pulled out his Portuguese notebook, Hinata pouted a bit because he didn't bring any of his things since he didn't know Kei would still be willing to help him. But Kei's notes are better anyway so they huddle around his notebook and try to see where they left off. They both pretend they're not bothered by sitting so close to each other.

Hinata asked if they could go over some of the more complex grammar rules and they spend some time trying to map out sentences. Eventually Hinata got frustrated and slammed the book closed.

"Kei," he said seriously. Kei didn't know when he got so comfortable using his name, "Translate this for me. Me beija."

He shook his head, "I only understand 'me'"

"Kiss me."

"What?"

Shoyou laughed at him, "It means kiss me."

"Oh," he tried to figure out what the game was but it felt like his brain was moving at half speed, "Are you just letting me know or telling me to?"

Shoyou answered by climbing into his lap and kissing him. Kei didn't think that they would do this now that they had graduated, but then again he didn't think that he was going to see Shoyou again at all. In reality, he should have known what he was getting himself into when he invited him into his bedroom, but this wasn't planned at all.

Kei wasn’t opposed to it though. In fact, he was resigned to how unopposed to it he was. Shoyou was a familiar and comfortable weight in his lap and if this was going to be the last time they ever did this he might as well enjoy it while it lasted. After two years they knew how to kiss each other and Kei could almost turn off his brain and submit to the sensations.

He sighed into the kiss and Shoyou laughed silently in response. Offended at being laughed at, he pinched him. It was all very childish. It didn’t hold any of the weight of ‘this will be the last time I see you’. Kei wasn’t sure if it felt right or wrong, but he was rarely sure of his feelings when it came to Shoyou so why would this moment make any more sense than the last two years.

Kei broke the kiss and leaned back to look at him. It was unlike what they usually did so Shoyou stopped and waited for Kei to make the next move and Kei pretended that he wasn’t being treated like a skittish baby deer. Slowly he put his hands on Shoyou’s hips and slid them up his shirt so he could touch the warm skin of his waist. He shivered but made no move to reciprocate the contact, which Kei appreciated.

Kei moved his hands in small circles and marveled at how soft his skin felt under his palms. Shoyou gulped loudly and shifted a bit in his lap.

“Do you want,” he swallowed again, “do you want me to take my shirt off?”

He nodded, unable to form the words, and kept moving his hands as Shoyou removed his shirt. It was different being able to see what he was touching, the weird dichotomy between his toned body and smooth skin was fascinating. He was a bit upset that this was the only time he was going to be able to see it like this.

Shoyou’s muscles jumped as he touched them and Kei made sure to explore every part he could. By the time he wrapped around to touch his chest Shoyou was undeniably breathing harder and Kei didn’t dare trail his hands down to his abdomen lest they both get the wrong idea.

When Kei rested his hands on Shoyou’s waist again they finally looked at each other. He could see Shoyou’s dilated pupils clear as day and he knew that it was a sign of arousal but he still had a difficult time believing that he did that to him.

Shoyou grasped weakly at the hem of Kei’s shirt, “Can I take this off?”

Both of them were surprised when he nodded.

Kei held himself stiffly as Shoyou looked before he touched. He could feel his eyes devouring him before his hands even began roaming. He thought that the touch would be rough but instead only fingertips danced across his skin, like Shoyou knew if he took too much it would be taken away from him.

Shoyou placed his arms like he was going to start at Kei’s shoulders but Kei immediately flinched so he repositioned to his forearms instead. His shoulders were marred with stretch marks and this was the clearest anyone else had ever seen them, he didn’t need him to touch them as well.

Being touched was nice. It was terrible but also nice. His body tensed automatically at every first pass but Shoyou soothed him until he relaxed and then went on. Kei didn’t realize that he had closed his eyes and wasn’t watching Shoyou’s hands until they were on his hips.

Shoyou carefully trailed his fingers along one of the deeper stretch marks that were etched into his skin. He went rigid but Shoyou shushed him gently as he squirmed out of his lap so he could press a kiss against it.

Kei immediately pushed him back. That was too much. They were touching too much. It was too intimate. He couldn’t have them both shirtless and Shoyou practically between his legs and kissing him while looking at him like he was something that was worth something.

It was too much.

“We need,” he coughed to clear his throat, “I need to keep packing. We should stop. You should go.”

Shoyou looked like he wanted to say something but at the last minute he didn’t.

As he left, Kei couldn’t help but think that this was the last time he was ever going to see him.

* * *

College was oddly fun. He enjoyed his classes and that made the work easier. He had to put in more hours than he did high school but he found that he didn’t mind nearly as much as he thought he would. 

Kei made a conscious effort to avoid his new classmates and after a few weeks they knew to leave him alone. He was not in the market for friends and unless it was about the class materials, he did not want to talk to them. He would occasionally talk to them about the lectures they were attending because he found them fascinating and Tadashi was equally busy and Akiteru looked at him like he was a child when he tried to talk about what he was learning. 

When he tried out for the school’s volleyball team he found out that Kyotani, Aoba Josai’s former Mad Dog, was there as well. They acknowledged each other and over the weeks they formed a tentative… friendship was not the right word. 

The two of them were prickly and they knew it. On their former teams they had people who knew them to balance them out and make them seem like more approachable people, but here they were weird first-years. It wasn’t a friendship but it was an understanding. It made volleyball practice more tolerable and Kyotani was a formidable partner. 

Couples were a lot more open in college than they were in high school, both straight and gay. It made him uncomfortable. If he were to date anyone-- and he was not planning to, he was way too busy to think about anything like that, he barely even thought about Shoyou, but still-- he worried that they would want to be more open than he did. Taking away the gay thing, he was a private person and there were things that other people didn’t need to know. (Tadashi had called him after the first time him and Hitoka had sex and Kei immediately hung up on him. Nobody needed to know that!)

But sometimes he would see couples holding hands while they walked and feel a tug in his stomach. He hadn’t identified the feeling yet, he was still untangling it, but he didn’t like it whatever it was. 

Still, he didn’t have time for such things.

* * *

Tadashi called him and for three rings Kei considered letting the call go to voicemail but at the last minute he reconsidered and answered the phone.

“What?” he snapped into the phone, he was busy.

Tadashi laughed at his gruff welcome, “Well hello to you too. So nice to hear from you. It has been a long time since we spoke.”

Kei groaned, “Tadashi, I don’t have time for this,” he tucked the phone between his shoulder and ear, “I have a lot of work to do.”

“Well next Friday night you need to be free.” Tadashi wasn’t asking.

“No, I don’t,” Kei replied petulantly.

Tadashi sighed, “I will bring Hitoka to your apartment and we will drag you out or you will come willingly. Your choice.”

He sighed, “Fine. What are we doing?” There was a pause at the other end of the line, “Tadashi? What are we doing?”

“It’s a surprise,” he said at last.

Kei was going to kill him. In the past Tadashi may have believed that he had best friend immunity for whatever shenanigans he hoped to pull, but this time Kei was absolutely going to kill him for tricking him into going to Hinata’s going away party.

He had managed to go an entire year without seeing him. The last time they had even interacted was their last Portuguese lesson, Kei had avoided him ever since. Rarely thought about him even. But now he was at his going away party surrounded by seemingly every person he had ever met.

He knew that Hinata had a knack for making friends but Kei felt like he was surrounded by entire volleyball teams from rival schools. It wasn’t true, of course, but there were definitely a few people from seemingly every school they played, be it Miyagi or Tokyo. It wasn’t a going away party as much as it was a reunion.

If someone pulled an entire volleyball net out of a backpack and set up in the middle of the living room he wouldn’t be able to pretend to be surprised. (His money was on Bokuto or Miya.)

Kei found a corner of the room to stand in and slowly sipped a cup filled with some kind of alcohol that he couldn’t identify. It burned going down but he found that most liquor did so it didn’t help narrow down what it was. From his vantage point he watched the room.

Bokuto and Kuroo were loudly talking about something while Akaashi and Daichi tried to have a more civil conversation two steps away. Tucked behind them Kenma was clicking away at his phone trying to blend into the wall just like Kei was. Yamaguchi was talking to Kageyama and one of the Miya twins. Yachi had gotten herself caught up in a conversation with Tanaka and Nishinoya, who was surprisingly around, when she wanted to catch up with Shimizu.

It was a lively bunch and he hadn’t even seen Hinata yet, they were sure to get even louder when he entered the room.

“Are you looking for the guest of honor?” Someone slipped in beside him.

Kei startled and some of his drink sloshed over the side of his cup making his fingers sticky, “Suga,” he was almost relieved but then he remembered that Suga was one of his more mischievous teammates, “No, I’m just taking it all in.”

Suga hummed lightly beside him and took a sip of his own drink, “So tell me, my tall kohai, how have you been?”

“College is as much work as everyone said it would be, but I’m enjoying it.” Kei smiled. He really was enjoying college, “and I’m still playing volleyball.”

He reached up and ruffled his hair in a way that only Suga could get away with, “Good, you should be,” he moved his hand to Kei’s shoulder, “Now I’m going to ask you something personal. Did you ever take your chance?”

“Huh?”

Suga smirked and waved a finger at him, “Don’t play coy. I mean with our favorite hyperactive middle blocker,” when he saw Kei’s eyes widen he put up his hands defensively, “Don’t worry, I don’t think most people know, I overheard him talking about it on the phone to someone once.”

Kei groaned, “Kenma. He tells things to Kenma.” He glared at Kenma from across the room but he didn’t notice.

“That doesn’t matter. What does matter is if you’ll have regrets if you don’t do something before he leaves,” he said wisely, “As for why he’s not here right now, that drink you have, someone knocked some on his head earlier and he’s deeper in the house taking a shower.”

Suga grinned widely at him, the ‘do with that what you will,’ was implied as he walked away to mingle with their former teammates and rivals.

It was quieter deeper in the house.

He heard a rustling behind one of the doors and knocked quietly on it.

“I know, I know,” he heard Hinata groan, “It’s my party and I’m missing it. I’ll be there soon, I’m just getting dressed.”

It was weird hearing Hinata’s voice after so much time. It was deeper than he remembered. He let himself into the room without announcing himself, he was pretty sure that Hinata wouldn’t mind the intrusion. Once in the room he saw Hinata’s bare back, it was broader than he remembered, with more muscle.

“You’re taller.”

Hinata dropped the shirt he was getting ready to put on. “Kei! What are you doing here?”

He looked away, “Tadashi dragged me here. I can leave if you want.”

“No!” he yelled, “Stay. Please.”

They stared at each other, eating up their new looks and trying to find everything that changed after a year apart. After a few beats Kei crossed the room and cupped his cheek. Kissing him again felt natural, even if they so rarely kissed standing up and he never had to adjust to their height difference before.

Kei dragged his hand down Shoyou’s chest and hooked his fingers into the waistband of his pants before breaking the kiss, “Shut up and let me do this.”

Shoyou licked his lips nervously, “What are you doing?”

“Please let me do this,” he sank to his knees and waited for Shoyou to nod.

This time-- in the middle of Shoyou’s going away party, right before he leaves for two years-- he managed to make him come.

When he finished and wiped away stray semen and saliva from his lips and chin, Shoyou reached to reciprocate, but Kei backed away. His mind had blanked out and all he knew was that he had to leave.

He didn’t hate what he just did but he had to leave and he had to leave now.

Kei managed to take a second to make sure he looked presentable before leaving the room and then he fled. He was somewhat aware of Shoyou and maybe Tadashi calling his name but he didn’t answer them.

Somehow he got home, the journey was blank.

He didn’t leave his apartment for three days, until Tadashi called Akiteru for backup. He didn’t tell them what happened but they already knew that something did.

* * *

It felt like his phone buzzed the entire time he was trying to hide. It took a week before he looked at all of the missed messages.

**Hinata:** Kei are you okay  
 **Hinata:** ???  
 **Hinata:** did you get home safe?  
 **Hinata:** at least tell tadashi you got home  
 **Hinata:** cmon  
 **Hinata:** answer me  
 **Hinata:** it was fine  
 **Hinata:** it was more than fine!!!  
 **Hinata:** you dont need to freak out  
 **Hinata:** i thought you were doing better  
 **Hinata:** okay, ill leave you alone for now

**Hinata:** Please answer me  
 **Hinata:** im getting on a plane tomorrow

**Hinata:** I know that you didn’t want to be with me in high school but thank you anyway. It made me sad and confused but also it was fun and I liked it  
 **Hinata:** I’m sorry that you didn’t  
 **Hinata:** I hope I can see you when I come back to Japan  
 **Hinata:** Bye Kei

He turned off his phone again.


	4. Chapter 4

It was easy for Kei to throw himself into school to try and forget what happened. The more work that he had to do the less time he had to concentrate on what a fool he made of himself. He avoided everyone he knew was at the party, he didn’t know what they knew and he didn’t want to find out or be asked why he ran out like he did. He made a scene and he didn’t want to answer for it. 

Instead his grades were going to be amazing. He put in an unnecessary amount of work, reading and rereading his coursework, writing papers and triple checking them until they were perfect. 

He made strides in volleyball. He added some power to his serve to the point where even Kyotani commented on it. Kei didn’t know if Kyotani was safe to talk to, he wasn’t at the party but both Kindachi and Kunimi were and it was possible he kept in touch with his old Aoba Josai teammates so he was keeping his distance. Luckily Kyotani didn’t seem to mind too much, they always kept each other at arms reach, it was hard to tell there was much of a difference at all. 

Tadashi, on the other hand, knew something was very wrong because Kei kept dodging his calls and not answering his texts. They went to different schools so he couldn’t drop in whenever he wanted but Kei assumed that he was going to visit sooner or later. Tadashi had started out by asking what had happened with Shoyou at the party, moved to threatening to tell Akiteru something was wrong if Kei didn’t at least let him know that he was alive (Kei sent him a very unflattering emoji back), and now he had settled on telling him about random snippets of his day. It was very Tadashi like. 

Akiteru was also trying to get into contact with him and Kei was forced to send him a little bit more than one word answers because he knew that his brother absolutely would drop everything to make sure that Kei hadn’t drowned under a pile of books or something equally ridiculous. So every other day he would let Aki know that he was still alive, and yes he was eating food and did in fact know how to grocery shop, he did it all the time back home thanks. 

Home was still a touchy subject though. Their housing situation was still up in the air and their parents were notoriously difficult to get a hold of. Kei had already resigned himself to never going back there. It’s not like the house held fond family memories. They would figure something out if they needed to. 

Despite everything that was going on and everything that he was avoiding, Kei was doing okay. He had classes that he enjoyed and a volleyball team that wasn’t terrible. He had a routine that was keeping him together and people who cared enough to check in on him even if he ignored them. 

Everything was fine. 

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** dont delete this!!!

> Hi Kei. Please read this okay. Don't delete it just yet. I’m sorry that what happened at the party freaked you out and I’ve been thinking about you and I hope that you’re doing okay. You ran out without anyone and no one could reach you after. You’re probably not missing and doing good at college because you’re so smart. I hope everything is okay. 

Kei stared at the email. He was fairly certain that Hinata did not have this email address. He had never used it before, that’s for sure. Kei seriously debated deleting it. There was no reason to answer it, he would get nothing good from it, only stress and headaches. But he stared at it instead. And when he hovered his finger over the delete button, for some reason he hit reply. 

He should at least find out who was handing out his email. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: dont delete this!!!

> How’d you get this email address?

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: dont delete this!!!

> You’re alive! I probably would have heard if you were dead but you’re alive! I asked Tadashi for it and he gave it to me. He said that you haven’t been talking to him either.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: dont delete this!!!

> He shouldn’t have given it to you. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: dont delete this!!!

> Well you’re still talking to me so its not too bad. How are you doing? I didn’t get to talk to you at the party. Did you join your schools volleyball team? Are they good? What classes are you taking? I’ve been in Rio for a little bit and its really hot and I’m getting used to finding sand everywhere but its so much fun Kei. I think you’d like it! 

Kei purposefully ignored the last email. 

Instead he changed into workout clothes and went for a jog. He regretted his decision about ten minutes into his run. It wasn’t that he didn’t have the stamina for running, after years of harsh drills and running around the court he had the ability to run for a while, but that didn’t mean he liked it. There was nothing fun about running outside by himself. Especially when it brought up the memory of the first time he saw Hinata fly. 

He had been running just like this. 

He went home, he didn’t need any of this. There was probably something on television he could distract himself with instead, or an assignment he could get a head start on. There were plenty of other things he could think of other than Hinata Shoyou. 

Over the next two weeks he did manage to distract himself. There was always more work to be done or another book to be read. Kei threw himself further into school, some people drowned under the workload but he used it as a life preserver instead.

When his brain was exhausted but he still felt the itch to keep going he went to the university gym and worked out until his muscles were sore and his coach scolded him.

There was no such thing as moderation.

* * *

Kei had to do a group project for one of his classes. He hated it, he would much rather do the entire thing by himself. It would be much rather to research, write, and present the whole thing than to wait on multiple people to pull themselves together and do their parts. Since this was only an introductory class half of his group members didn’t even care about the topic so getting them to participate was going to be like pulling teeth.

He had to constantly check his email to make sure they were keeping up with the deadlines they set up for themselves. So far three out of the five of them had, including Kei himself, so he found himself refreshing his inbox over and over so he could move on to the next step of the project. Group work truly was the worst. He played a team sport and he still could not handle depending on other people. 

While he refreshed his inbox he stared down a new email from Hinata. The subject line was simply “Hi” and he hadn’t decided if he was going to delete it without opening it or actually give it a read.

Then again, reading it had to be better than what he was doing. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** Hi

> Guess who I ran into in Rio last night?? Oikawa! He’s here from Argentina and he plays on a pro team there. I’m so jealous that everyone is getting so much further than me. We played beach volleyball and first he wasn’t good but he picked it up super fast! I guess that’s why they call him the grand king. He showed up at a good time, I lost my wallet so I didn’t have any money and I’ve been having a hard time lately. It’s lonely here but thank you for teaching me some Portuguese, it really helps even if my roommate won’t talk to me. 
> 
> Sorry. I know I’m probably bothering you too.   
> 

Kei frowned at his screen. It sounded like he was having a bad time, it wasn’t like Hinata to get discouraged. Who knew his eternal optimism has limits. Kei hit reply, then discarded the draft, then hit reply again. He could maybe help his across the world teammate. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Hi

> First of all, you started the whole Grand King thing. Other people may have picked it up afterwards but it was all you. If his ego grew because of it, you are to blame. 
> 
> Secondly, you chose not to go pro after high school so don’t compare yourself to them. When you’re done with your beach vacation you can come back and go pro, or go to Argentina and go pro. You chose this after our first Nationals. We’re all surprised you have the ability to plan things long term, but then again you are a volleyball idiot. 
> 
> Thirdly, you’re a volleyball idiot. Try talking to your roommate about other things. Find some common ground. I refuse to believe that Hinata Shoyou cannot make a friend. I’ve seen the weirdos you’ve made friends with. You won’t feel so alone then.
> 
> Lastly, de nada. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Hi

> You responded!! I didn’t think you would! Thank you I feel so much better. You’re right I chose to do this and I need to see it out to the end so I can come back and stand on top. You better go pro too so I can beat you! 

Kei sighed loudly when he read Hinata’s latest email and deleted it without responding. Hinata always had such high hopes for him. It was exhausting. 

Speaking of exhausting expectations, Akiteru was so enthusiastic about him being in college it was getting difficult to talk to him. Every time they spoke Akiteru told him how proud he was and asked all about his classes like he expected Kei to spout poetic about the wonders of higher education. 

Eventually he had to ask Aki to stop. College was just school. Eventually he would talk to him about his classes but the more he asked the less he wanted to. Fortunately, he didn’t seem too heartbroken. At least if he was he didn’t complain about it to Kei. (He silently thanked Saeko for dealing with Akiteru for him.)

Truth be told he wanted to share all that he was learning with someone but he knew that he wouldn’t have the patience to hear about something he didn’t care about so he wasn’t going to inflict himself upon someone else.

* * *

Kei was retyping up old lecture notes when he noticed the date in the top right hand corner of his computer. Something about the date wriggled in his mind. He should know it. After a minute of deliberation he decided it wasn’t that important. It was just June 21st, that was all. 

He typed up another page of notes before he realized. It was Hinata’s birthday. Kei rested his forehead lightly on the desk so he wouldn’t ruin his glasses. (At least it wasn’t also Thursday, when he found himself most out of sorts it was always Thursday, like his body had an internal alarm set for Shoyou.) 

So what if it was his birthday? It didn’t mean anything, he didn’t have to do anything about it. He didn’t do anything about it when they went to school about it. 

But he still found himself sending an email. It didn’t have to mean anything.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** [No Subject]

> Happy Birthday.   
> 

He deleted the response without looking at it.

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** you were right!

> I found out my roommate likes anime and now we watch anime together in Portuguese and Japanese!! Did you know he knows Japanese?? It makes me feel less homesick. 
> 
> Thank you Kei

* * *

Kei managed to get tickets for two Olympic volleyball matches. He told himself he wasn’t going there to see Kageyama play on an international stage but he knew that he was lying to himself before he could even get the words out to Tadashi. 

While he watched the opening ceremonies from his apartment he couldn’t help but think about how Hinata was feeling. Even he was feeling a bit jealous and he was nowhere near the same level as Kageyama and the others on the National team. Hinata, on the other hand, definitely could have played alongside them. 

Next time for sure. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** Olympics

> Are you watching the Olympics? You deserve to be there too. Only four more years until you’re there. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Olympics

> Is this real life? Is Tsukishima Kei being nice to me? 
> 
> Thank you. I saw Kageyama on tv and he’s so far ahead of me. 
> 
> Am I doing the right thing? 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Olympics

> Will you play for Japan or Brazil? 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Olympics

> Japan of course! You know I’m coming back right?
> 
> Thank you for believing in me. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Olympics

> I hope Kageyama does something embarrassing on international television. 

Unfortunately, Kageyama did not do anything embarrassing on international television. He looked great.

Seeing the Olympics live was amazing. The volleyball was next level and Kei felt like he was on the edge of his seat for almost every rally. Japan didn’t take gold but Kageyama gained some recognition. He was never competing with Kageyama but he also felt a weird pull in his chest like he was somehow falling behind.

After the Olympics he threw himself back into school. If there was an invisible race to some indeterminate top, he was not going to be left behind. 

* * *

Akiteru barged into his apartment and Kei didn’t bother looking up. At this point in his life he was convinced that was just how Aki liked to enter rooms, at least ones he knew that Kei was in. He thought about making a snide comment but then he saw his brother’s face. He looked furious. 

Anger always looked weird on Akiteru’s face. It twisted his usually sweet features into something ugly and unrecognizable. Anger always seemed to hurt him, it burned off of him as he seethed and paced around Kei’s apartment. 

“They sold the house,” he barked out after a few laps. 

Kei didn’t need him to tell him that, he surmised that by how he was acting. Nothing upset like Akiteru like their parents.

He kept pacing, “They called to tell me. I asked for a portion of the money because they took away their son’s home and they said no.” Kei watched him silently, “Then I asked if we could have a portion of the money to pay for some of your college fees. Do you know what they said to me?” 

Kei shook his head and Akiteru laughed bitterly. It was a terrible sound. 

“They were so surprised you were in college already. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact they don’t know how old you are and don’t know you’re in college, or the fact they were willing to make a high school student homeless.” Akiteru pivoted and punched the wall causing Kei to jump. 

As soon as Kei jumped Akiteru’s anger melted away to guilt. Aki’s swift change in demeanor made Kei feel worse. He had instinctually reacted to the noise and now his brother was in protector mode. He wasn’t as helpless as Akiteru thought he was, but he knew that he was a burden, at least a financial one currently. 

“I’m fine,” he snapped at his brother as he hovered, “you don’t usually lash out. I don’t usually jump at loud noises. We’re fine.” 

Akiteru seemed calmed by this explanation and nodded, “Sorry. Wall looks fine at least,” he sat down heavily next to Kei, “I don’t think I can afford both of our apartments on my current salary.” 

Kei rubbed his eyes and put his hands flat on his thighs, if he fidgeted even a little then Akiteru would worry, “You and Saeko are moving in together soon, right? She’ll chip in on the rent of your place and I can get a job to help pay for my expenses.” He wiped his hands on his pants roughly. That motion should be safe. 

“You should focus on studying, not working,” Akiteru frowned at him, “and volleyball. How are you going to balance all of that.” 

He fought the urge to curl his fingers and dig them into his leg, “I’ll figure it out. I can stop playing volleyball if I need to.”

Akiteru stood up, “Don’t quit. We’ll figure something out.” 

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** [No Subject]

**Attachment:** [IMG: Sunrise over the ocean, moon can also faintly be seen in the sky]

> Views like this almost make the trip worth it. 

* * *

Kei picked up a job tutoring so Akiteru didn’t have to worry about paying for everything. He thought that after years of tutoring Hinata he would be prepared for anything. These people made it into college after all, they couldn’t be that dumb. 

The college had a tutoring center. Students could drop in for help and see if anyone was available or they could reserve time with a tutor. The center didn’t usually hire first years but Kei had some experience and they really needed someone to tutor the history classes he was taking. 

On his first day he was approached by a male classmate. The classmate recognized him but Kei had no idea who he was. He said his name was Osada Masayuki and Kei pretended his name sounded familiar. It turned out that he was behind on their history reading and couldn’t complete the assignments because of it. 

Kei stared at him, “I can’t read for you,” he told him blankly, “come back after you’ve done the reading and then I can help you.”

He didn’t expect to see him again but a week later Osada was back. 

“I read so many pages,” he complained as he fell into the chair across from Kei.

“That’s what you get for taking a history class,” he replied with no sympathy, “now how far back are you?” 

Kei found out that not only was he behind but he didn’t comprehend any of what he read and his notes were a disaster. He had to pause the lesson to teach him a good note taking method which would hopefully help him understand any of what was going on. It felt like he was fifteen and tutoring Kageyama in the club room again.

It was exhausting. 

After the third meeting, where they finally got to tackle some of the missing work but at a snail’s pace, Kei found himself pulling up his email. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> I took up a tutoring job and I don’t know how some people get into college. Even you learned how to take notes in high school. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> Are you being rude or complimenting me? It’s hard to tell. Why did you get a job? Aren’t you super busy being a genius at college and volleyball?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> Rude. 
> 
> It’s a long story. My parents sold our house and Akiteru can’t afford both of our apartments so we need the money. If I can’t manage my time I’ll have to quit volleyball.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> I speak Kei now so I’ll take it as a compliment. 
> 
> You can’t quit volleyball!!! You’re good enough to go pro. I know you are. They pay you for that too! Don’t quit! 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> Don’t put me in the same class as Kageyama. I’m not that good. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: You’re no longer the dumbest person I know

> You don’t need to do V1. At least think about V2 or 3!

Kei didn’t need the lecture about his future so he didn’t respond.

* * *

On January 1st Tadashi showed up at his door and dragged him out of the house. Kei didn’t want to go, it was cold and there was snow on the ground, but he felt like he owed his best friend some quality time. Since they were both away at different colleges they didn’t get to see each other as much as they liked but they did manage to speak regularly, at least when Kei wasn’t being petty about something.

Tadashi didn’t have a plan in mind, they weren’t even headed to a shrine because Kei didn’t want to be around that many people. Instead they walked around and enjoyed each other’s company while Kei lightly complained about how they could be doing this inside where it was warm and no one would catch the flu.

After about thirty minutes Tadashi took pity on him and they took a detour into a small cafe to get something warm to drink. At the small table Kei relaxed. It wasn’t that he didn’t like being out, he did genuinely enjoy being outside, he simply hated being cold. He was sure that winter was the worst part of the year. 

“So,” he said after taking a long sip out of a too hot cup of peppermint hot chocolate, “how’s Hitoka?” 

Tadashi sighed wistfully, “She’s doing really good. She likes her program which you would know if you talked to her more and she made some friends but it’s tough being so far away. We’re sticking with the long distance relationship though, it’s worth it.” 

Kei nodded once into his mug, “How often do you see her?” 

“Once a month if I’m lucky,” he made a face, “But we talk every day so it’s not too bad. We spend a lot of time on the phone together while we’re doing homework even if we don’t talk to each other.”

“That sounds weird.”

Tadashi kicked him under the table, “It’s nice to have someone in the room with you. Even if you’re pretending. Don’t you get lonely in your apartment by yourself?” 

Kei scooted his chair back a bit but he was still within kicking range, “I was home by myself a lot during high school anyway. Akiteru still comes by all the time.”

“Are you making friends?” he leaned forward and rested his chin on his palms. He looked at Kei so calmly that it made him nervous. 

“Yeah,” he broke eye contact to watch people across the cafe order their own drinks, “his name is Osada, he’s in one of my classes and I tutor him at the center.”

He saw Tadashi frown at him out of the corner of his eye but he didn’t know why. He sort of made a friend, it’s what he wanted, “Do you still talk to Shoyou?” he asked, seemingly out of the blue.

Kei sharply turned to look at him again, “Why? What does that have to do with anything?”

“So you are talking to him,” he took a sip of his own drink that he had been waiting to cool down, it was something complicated and bitter that Kei didn’t like, “do Osada and Shoyou know about each other?” 

Kei put his mug down roughly, causing some of his hot chocolate to spill over the side and burn his hand. He let the burn sink into his skin, “Why would they need to? I’m not dating either of them,” he hissed across the table, “we’re changing the subject or I’m going to leave, Tadashi. 

Tadashi stared at Kei for a long moment like he was debating pushing on but nodded once to himself, “You hear that Karasuno made it to Nationals again? Do you want to go see our kohai in action?”

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** food

**Attachment:** [IMG: a small kitchen table full of delicious looking food]

> I’ve been cooking a lot every day and yesterday my roommate asked me to stop putting food on his plate. Oops.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: food

**Attachment:** [IMG: a mostly empty refrigerator]

> [No content]

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: food

> Kei!! You need to eat!

* * *

Osada sat down next to Kei in class and Kei had to do a double take. He had never actually seen the other man outside of the tutoring center. The class they shared was in a large lecture hall and it was easy to get lost in the crowd, it was one of the rooms where after the first day you tended to sit in the same general area but probably not the same seat because the room was so spacious it was easy to forget if you were a row or seat off.

Kei sat in the same area every class but Osada had never been in his section before. 

“Found you!” he grinned as he sat next to Kei, “I got here early so I could scout out the room. You seem like one of those people who gets to places way too early.”

“I don’t get paid to help you while I’m here,” he said bluntly.

Osada tried to hold back a laugh but spittle went flying everywhere. It was gross, “I’m not looking for tutoring. Well, I do sorta want to see what you take notes on and what you don’t but I also thought that you were kinda cool and I don’t know anyone else in this class.”

Kei stared dully at him, “So you really looked at me and decided that guy is friend material?”

“Yup!” Osada started taking out his things. Kei contemplated moving seats but this was his spot and shouldn’t be the one who had to move. 

“You have terrible taste.” Kei really needed to figure out what it was about him that attracted people like Hinata, Kuroo, and Bokuto to him. What about his demeanor made outgoing people decide that he was the one to trail after? Could he turn it off? Whatever it was, he thought idly, it was probably Akiteru’s fault somehow; he was outgoing too. 

He laughed again like Kei was making a joke, “I’ve been told that plenty of time before but it’s not going to stop me. Now shush, class is going to start soon.”

Surprisingly Osada didn’t make a sound all throughout class. Occasionally he would look over at Kei to see if he was writing down what the professor said but for the most part he kept to himself like a good seatmate. His note taking system was still pretty terrible when he was doing it on the fly and Kei had to keep himself from correcting him, he wouldn’t get paid for doing it here, but overall the experience rated not-horrible on Kei’s most-horrible-things scale. 

After class was over Osada exaggeratedly stretched his arms and legs as if he had been sitting there for hours and hours rather than the ninety minutes class had actually been in session. He was so noisy about it that Kei couldn’t help but look at him while he did it. Osada was not as in shape as most of the other people Kei knew, but that’s what happened when you were surrounded by athletes, but he wasn’t bad to look at. 

Kei stopped that thought right there before it could go anywhere else. He quickly pushed all of his things into his bag, they weren’t in their proper places but he could deal with them later, he just needed to get out of the room without further incident. 

“Hey, do you want to grab lunch with me?”

“No!” Kei said too quickly before clearing his throat, “No, I have work I need to do and I don’t have a lot of spare money for spontaneous eating.”

“Oh,” Osada rubbed the back of his head, “I’ll just see you at the tutoring center then. Same time as always.”

Kei managed to grunt out an affirmative and get away from the situation.

Or so he thought.

“Next week can I buy you lunch as a thank you!” 

* * *

Akiteru seemed like a free spirit but he was a bit of a control freak. It was something that he and Kei had in common. Saeko, on the other hand, was absolutely a free spirit. It made wedding planning a bit awkward. Throw in some money troubles courtesy of their parents and Akiteru was beyond stressed out.

Which was why he had taken up residence on Kei’s couch for the night. Akiteru’s moping took up the whole couch so Kei set his laptop up on the small kitchen table and supervised while he did his work. He hummed and nodded at the appropriate times and he thought that eventually Aki would leave and go back to his own apartment or go talk to the person he was actually marrying. 

Instead, Kei hummed at the wrong time and agreed to look at the wedding binder that Aki had prepared. There was no taking it back and he was forced to sit through page after page of things like napkin colors and seating charts.

Eventually Kei had to ask, “does Saeko actually like any of this?” 

“No!” he wailed, “and that’s the problem!” 

Kei was confused, “I’m obviously not a relationship expert, Tadashi actually called me a disaster a few days ago but I’m fairly certain the two of you talk behind my back and you already knew that, but why would you have a wedding that’s nothing like the person you’re marrying? Why are you trying to be so stuffy?” 

Akiteru crossed his arms, “Because we’re getting married. Weddings have to be at least a little bit stuffy.” 

“Why?”

He floundered a bit, “Because of tradition?” 

Kei scoffed, “Neither of you are traditional. Why not just pick a day next week and spontaneously get married. That seems more like her.” 

Akiteru lit up and started gathering his things, “That’s genius. I’ll talk to you later little brother.” 

Four days later Kei received a text with a date three weeks in the future and an address. It also told him to bring a date. Then an hour later Aki sent him another text telling him again to bring a date. 

Kei scowled at the phone. Who was he going to bring as a date? (At least his brother knew that Hinata was still in Rio or else he would have pestered him to ask him out.) Last time he saw Tadashi he jumped to conclusions the second he brought up Osada’s name, but at their most recent tutoring session he was pretty sure that Osada had been flirting with him. Or maybe he was imagining it? Kei had been so stupid letting him buy him lunch. 

He didn’t think that he had any feelings other than annoyance towards Osada, but then again the same could have been said for Hinata back in high school. Regardless, his brother’s spur of the moment wedding wasn’t the best place to put those feelings to the test. 

It was all Tadashi’s fault that he was even thinking about it. He had been perfectly fine not thinking about romance. He even managed to not think about it on most Thursdays. He slipped up sometimes but he was only human. Since it was Tadashi’s fault, Kei had an idea. 

Three weeks later Kei showed up to his brother’s wedding with two lovely dates, Tadashi and Hitoka. Akiteru said nothing about his choices. 

The wedding was lovely, even Kei could admit that. The most surprising thing was that Saeko and Tanaka ugly cried the entire time. (Kei was not surprised in the least by his own brother’s tears.)

* * *

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** [No subject]

> I think I went on date with a guy. He said that he wanted to buy me lunch and then he did and while we were there he talked a lot but he laughed at everything I said. It was weird. I’ve seen couples laugh at things that aren’t funny but I still didn’t realize it actually happened. I don’t know who to talk to about it, Tadashi and Akiteru would be way too encouraging. I don’t know if you want to hear any of this though. I don’t think I like him like that but you have always understood your feelings better than me. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No subject]

> Argh stupidshima why are you making this so difficult for me. Good job going on a date, I’m proud of you. I’m mad that you couldn’t figure it out while I was there. If you don’t want to do couple things in public then you don’t have to but you should talk to him. It doesn’t matter what other people say. Talk to him.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No subject]

> You must really be upset, you didn’t even gloat that I said you were better at something. 
> 
> You of all people should know that I cannot easily talk to him about my feelings. What if I’m reading into things and he thinks that we’re just friends? Tadashi and I bought each other food all the time and it wasn’t romantic.
> 
> I’m sorry to be talking to you about this. I’ve always been selfish.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No subject]

> You did say I’m better than you! I didnt even notice! And youre not selfish, just confused and closeted. We could have had a lot more fun if you talked to me. Unless you want to talk about that now, go talk to him!

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No subject]

> Thank you for the blunt assessment of my character. 

* * *

Kei was at the tutoring center again when he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t know what flirting looked like. No one had ever flirted with him, or if they did he didn’t notice. Shoyou and him didn’t flirt, they awkwardly circled each other and then kissed and then Kei avoided him for varying amounts of time before they did the whole dance over again. But flirting was something he just didn’t understand.

So he had to ask, “Are you flirting with me?” 

Osada paused mid word, Kei didn’t even realize that he was talking or that he cut him off, “Yes, I was, thank you for noticing,” he said politely, “now, as I was asking, how am I supposed to remember what years things happen in? There are so many years, Tsukishima, there are so many years!” 

Kei curled up his nose in disgust, another complete idiot liked him. Outgoing people and idiots, that’s who he managed to draw to him. How could he manage to get smart people to like him? He would have to ask Tadashi that; he could deal with getting laughed at for asking. 

Unfortunately Osada took his reaction a different way, “Oh, look, if you’re not gay or into me I can stop or find another tutor or something,” he looked around the room awkwardly as his last few words trailed off. 

“No! I mean, yes,” Kei groaned and then took a deep breath. Fine, they were having this conversation in a public place. Hinata said to talk to him and Kei was going to do it but the only options were a public place or his apartment and those both sounded bad. He dug his nails into his palms to ground himself, “I’m not exactly out. My brother and best friend know but that’s it. You’re fine. It’s been… nice.” 

There was no reason to explain Hinata.

He nodded seriously, “I get it, it can be tough. No, uh, significant other then?”

“None. Ever,” he looked down at his history notes and pretended that they could swallow him whole.

“Then do you want to go out to eat with me after this? As a date?” Osada whispered so they wouldn’t be overheard and Kei was happy that he was respecting his privacy. 

Kei didn’t trust his voice so he nodded.

When the tutoring session finished (and Kei would deny that he stuttered or stumbled through any part of the remaining lesson), they packed up and headed out together. Osada said there was a cafe nearby that he liked so they walked over side-by-side but not talking. 

Once they were inside Kei made a beeline to the desserts display and scanned the shelves. There were plenty of cakes on display and perked up when he saw strawberry shortcake among them. It wasn’t the best that he ever saw but it would do for now. 

He looked over his shoulder when he felt someone watching him. It was just Osada but that didn’t make him any less uncomfortable. He had asked him out to eat but maybe he meant regular food, not desserts. Kei turned back to the shortcake dejectedly and Osada chuckled. 

“You like sweets then? That’s cute.” 

Kei bunched up his shoulders and tried not to blush. This was nothing, he was out with someone that he wasn’t sure if he liked and everything was fine. He ordered the shortcake and some hot chocolate even though he didn’t think the two went particularly well together and Osada added on to his order and paid before he had the chance to decline. 

When they had their orders, he got a much more sensible sandwich and coffee, they sat at a table together and Kei immediately wanted to flee. They were out together where anyone could see and make assumptions about them. Agreeing to go out like that had been a mistake but there was no polite way to make his exit. 

If only his brother could see him now, out on a pseudo date and worrying about being polite. He would be obnoxiously proud. 

But Kei sat there and ate his cake and let him talk. He answered occasionally but he could barely recall what he said back to him. He knew that Osada smiled at him a lot, but he was that type of person. Kei couldn’t recall if he smiled but no one really expected that of him. 

When he stood to leave his legs shook underneath him and Osada insisted on walking him home just in case. Kei wanted to fight him on it but he didn’t have the energy to do so. Instead, he walked in the direction of his apartment and let him trail after him. 

“Did you have fun?” Osada asked when they were most of the way there. 

Kei just hummed, he barely heard the question and he wasn’t in the right mind to answer. He could only think about the safety of his apartment and how once he was inside he wasn’t going to want to leave.

But Osada must have taken his noncommittal noise as an affirmative because when they reached Kei’s front door he put a hand on the back of Kei’s neck and pulled him down slightly for a kiss.

It was barely a peck and Osada pulled away first, embarrassed at what he had done. 

Kei stared blankly ahead, still slightly hunched over, “I need to go inside.” 

He slipped inside and locked the door behind him before Osada could try to get in and headed straight for the bathroom. He didn’t even bother to remove his shoes. Once in the bathroom he fell to his knees in front of the toilet and threw up everything he just ate. 

The cafe’s mediocre strawberry shortcake did not taste any better the second time around.

He only threw up once but it was enough to make his stomach uneasy and his body shake. Kei pressed his cheek to the cold tile floor and let himself fall into a fitful sleep. 

It took two days of ignoring Akiteru’s texts before he showed up at Kei’s apartment unannounced. Or maybe he texted ahead to say he was coming, Kei had purposefully put his phone in another room and was ignoring the outside world. If he didn’t have to talk to anyone then he didn’t have to deal with anything. The classes he missed could be made up and he did send an email to the volleyball coach saying he was sick and not to expect him, so he didn’t completely ditch everyone. 

“Oh good,” Akiteru said when he walked in to see Kei sprawled out on the too small couch, “you’re still alive.”

“And you’re still overdramatic,” Kei replied without picking up his head or looking in his brother’s direction. He was still in ‘ignoring everything’ mode. 

Akiteru sat on the floor by Kei’s head and Kei scrunched up his nose at him in distaste. There were plenty of other places to sit that weren’t so close to him. “So what happened?”

Kei rolled over so he wouldn’t have to look at the back of his brother’s head, “Why do you think something happened?” 

“Hmm, let’s see,” Aki started lightly, “I’m related to someone who shuts down and tunes everyone out when he isn’t able to or doesn’t want to deal with something and that someone is you.”

He was silent for a long moment, “You don’t have to be rude about it,” he said a bit more childishly than he wanted. 

“Yeah, Kei, I do. If you’re not going to get help then I’m the help and I’m going to remind you that you have a problem that someone can help you with.”

“If I tell you will you leave me alone again?” Kei grit out. He knew that Akiteru meant well but he didn’t need the therapy conversation every time something went wrong with him. He was handling everything perfectly fine, thank you very much.

Akiteru sighed, “That’s what I’m here for.” 

Kei sat up and clutched a pillow to his chest. It was a poor defense but it helped to physically have something between him and his brother, “I think I went on a date. I panicked while I was there. He walked me back here and kissed me. I went inside and threw up. The end, you can leave now.”

“Wow, that’s a lot to take in.”

Kei hit him with the pillow. Screw a poor defense, it was an effective offensive weapon when need be. 

Akiteru put his hands up in surrender, “I’m surprised! I didn’t know you liked anyone, let alone enough to go on a date.”

He groaned and hid his face in his hands, “I don’t know how I feel. I’ve never really liked anyone--”

“Other than Shoyou,” Aki butted in. 

Kei glared at him, “Yeah well, I never threw up after kissing him so I guess I can cross liking him off the list.” 

* * *

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** Can we talk?

> I don’t know who else to talk to about this and I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings. I know that we haven’t emailed in a while and it’s probably my fault so it’s weird to come to you with this. It’s a bit of a long story.
> 
> Three months ago I went on a date with the guy I was tutoring that I told you about. It didn’t go well. Afterwards I went to the tutoring clinic and told them I didn’t want to see him anymore and I avoided him at class. It took a week for him to stop trying to talk to me but he finally did. 
> 
> Then two months ago someone on the volleyball team asked me out. He wasn’t anything like you or Osada, not loud or excitable, a quiet and unassuming guy. I didn’t really know him other than how he played but I agreed to a date. He didn’t try to hold my hand or kiss me or anything, we mostly talked about volleyball and school, and at the end of the date he apologized because he doesn’t like being showy in public. But that worked for me and we agreed to go on another date.
> 
> I thought it was fine but he broke things off with me yesterday. He said that I was “physically and emotionally closed off” even in private.
> 
> I just want to know. How did you deal with me for so long?

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> Wow.
> 
> I have a question. Did you like them? Tutoring guy and volleyball guy? Did you like either of them?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> I don’t know. I don’t understand romantic feelings. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> Kei youre the smartest person I know but youre real stupid sometimes. It takes you a long time to open up to people! It took you years to call your best friend by his first name. You’re not just going to start trusting these guys enough to be in a relationship.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> Then how do you explain you?

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> You were forced to spend hours with me every day and then had to like me. Everyone likes me. When we started things we went very slow and you ran away at every step and I always let you come back. Your ex wasnt as patient. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> Ugh, I have an ex. 
> 
> Why did you always let me come back?

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> I consider you one of my exes even if you dont think of me as one. And I liked you a lot you idiot, that’s why I kept trying to date you when you didnt want to.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> I don’t know what I consider you. You were more than just my teammate and more than a friend, but we never dated. Do you have a lot of exes? 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> I learned about friends with benefits here. That fits us I think. Did you know that Rio is a very sexual place? I was so surprised! You didn’t teach me that! It wasn’t in any of the books I read! 
> 
> I’ve hooked up with a few people and had two relationships that were a few months long but nothing too serious. I almost drunkenly hooked up with Oikawa but my roommate walked in on us! I’m glad he stopped us.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> You read the wrong books then.
> 
> You’re still the person I’ve done the most with.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Can we talk?

> I’ve done more with others but you’re the most memorable. 

* * *

Life became rather stressful when Kei had to avoid one person during class and another person during volleyball practice. 

He didn’t need to be on guard for most of his classes since he only shared the one with Osada but he couldn’t get himself to calm down whenever he was on campus. The second he stepped foot outside of his apartment he was on guard. Against what, exactly, he wasn’t too sure, but his mind and body were trying their hardest to make sure that he was prepared for it. 

As a result of his vigilance he was exhausted. At the end of the day he collapsed into his bed and was asleep by the time his head hit the pillow, and sometimes a bit before that if his slightly crooked glasses were any indication. Akiteru knew that Kei was having a difficult time so he kept coming by and bringing food that he or Saeko had made (she was a surprisingly good cook), and Kei begrudgingly traded food for his brother’s incessant worrying. 

Luckily his classwork wasn’t suffering. He had been far enough ahead in most of his classes that slowing down a bit didn’t cause any major consequences. He still felt like he was falling behind, he had strict schedules that he set for himself that he wasn’t meeting, but to his professor’s standards he was getting everything in on time and doing well. 

Volleyball was a different story completely. 

For the first week after the break up Kei was so off his game the coach asked if he was injured. When Kei told him that no, he had personal things going on that were affecting how he was playing, the coach pulled him aside and told him to get himself together, that he had the ability to join V-League if he wanted, but he couldn’t afford to get distracted. 

The pep talk didn’t make him feel any better. 

After a few days of playing terribly even Kyotani got in his face about it.

“What’s your problem,” he leaned against Kei’s locker one day after practice, “I haven’t seen you this terrible since your first year of high school.”

Kei glared at him, “I know, I’ll pull my shit together. Leave me alone.”

Kyotani snorted, “You haven’t been playing well enough to act like a tough guy.”

“I’m going through some stuff, okay? It’s none of your business,” he shouldered past him to get out of the locker room, “I’ll get back to blocking all of your spikes soon, I didn’t know you’d miss me so much.” 

“Good to know that whatever happens you’re still an asshole,” he grinned.

Kei made a disgusted face, “I have terrible taste in friends, don’t I. One day I’ll make a friend who doesn’t insult me.”

Kyotani’s grin widened, “Anyone who doesn’t insult you isn’t a true friend.”

“I’m touched that you consider yourself a true friend.”

He shouldered him roughly, “Oh, fuck off. Pull your shit together so we can try out for the Frogs. For tonight though, let’s get shit faced.”

Kyotani may have had to drag Kei and his low alcohol tolerance home but at the next practice he was remarkably improved.

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** new bvb partner!

**Attachment:** [IMG: Hinata and a tall, athletic man with dark skin and hair, both of them are smiling]

> I got a new partner for beach volleyball! Im so excited. Ill miss my old partner but Heitor (thats his name) is so cool! We’re only going to be partners for a little while since I come home in five months! Will you tutor me in japanese if I forgot the whole language??

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> Is he any good?
> 
> You never knew Japanese in the first place.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> He’s so good! There’s a tournament coming up in two months and I think we can win the whole thing. It’s going to be my last one and it would be an amazing way to end my beach volleyball career. Heitor kind of reminds me of you. Whenever I get really excited about volleyball he acts like it’s just a game that he’s playing for now. But he’s really, really good.
> 
> And I do too know Japanese!! Mean!

* * *

Kei stood outside of Akiteru’s front door and willed himself to knock. A few days prior Aki had texted him and asked him to come by, saying it was important and that he wanted to have the conversation in person but he was too busy with work to make the trip to Kei’s apartment. So when Kei finished up his classes for the week he got on the bus and headed towards his brother’s place. 

He hadn’t been there since before Saeko moved in and he felt weird intruding on their new home even if he was invited. Akiteru always put him first and Kei didn’t know what would be worse, his newly married brother still putting him first or pushing him aside. 

He shook his head lightly. Akiteru wouldn’t do either of those things. As much as Kei liked to criticize his brother, he still had a good head on his shoulders. Despite everything they’d been through Aki was surprisingly normal and level headed. Not that Kei would ever tell him that he thought so highly of him. 

After standing outside the door for way too long, he finally knocked. 

The door flew open almost immediately to reveal a widely grinning Saeko, “You finally decided to join us!” she laughed, “I saw you standing out there and I was gonna drag you inside but your brother told me to wait until you were ready.”

Being around Saeko was always like being hit with an invisible force, Kei had to stop himself from taking a few steps back to brace from the intensity of her aura. He could understand why his brother liked her; being around her was also like looking directly at the sun. He could also tell why in his first year of high school Hitoka always looked frazzled after spending time with her. 

“What’s so important I had to come all the way here?” he grumbled as she led the way inside. She laughed at him again, completely unphased by his attitude. 

Akiteru appeared in front of them with a smile almost as bright as his wife’s, “You’re here! My two favorite people!” 

Kei really wished he didn’t agree to stay the night.

“I have news. It’s somewhat good news,” Aki put his hand on Kei’s shoulder and pushed him deeper into the apartment, “now come have dinner with us so I can share.”

“I’m not hungry,” he tried to protest but his stomach growled and betrayed him. 

The two of them shuffled him into the kitchen and set the table around him in practiced ease. They would almost look like a real married couple if they didn’t overwhelmingly look like overgrown college students. 

When dinner was finally on the table Akiteru made eye contact with Kei, “I heard back from our parents.” Kei paused with food halfway to his mouth and stared at him but Aki waved at him dismissively, “This is mostly good news, remember. When they told us they were selling the house I asked for a portion of the profit. They finally agreed to give me some of it so now we can pay for most of your school fees!” 

Saeko cheered loudly next to him. 

“How much?” Kei asked, “How much did they give you?” 

Akiteru rubbed the back of his head, “Just about enough to cover your college expenses but there won’t be anything left after that. This is good news though, we don’t have to worry about how to pay for it, you can quit your tutoring job if you want.”

Kei frowned into his plate, “You’re using all of the money on me.”

“Huh? Of course I am.”

He looked back up at his brother sharply, “You should keep some of it for yourself, I can cover the rest of the cost.”

Akiteru shook his head, “Absolutely not, you shouldn’t have to worry about any of this.”

“I--”

“Boys!” Saeko cut them off with a loud bellow. When she had their attention she smiled slyly and twirled her chopsticks between her fingers, “Acchan will take some of the money and I’ll pay the rest of Kei’s schooling. Then you’re both getting what you want. Unless you two want to argue with me?”

Kei didn’t think that she was serious, he waited a moment for her to laugh it off, but when that moment didn’t come he looked back at his plate and muttered a quiet, “Whatever.”

So, he thought, this is what it was going to be like having her in the family.

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> We came in second but Heitor and his girlfriend got engaged!

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> I can’t believe you lost at beach volleyball. Is that even a real sport? 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> Youre so mean Kei! I bet youve watch me on tv!

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: new bvb partner!

> Who says I even own a television?

* * *

Nerves was never something that Kei was good at dealing with. He knew that he had a tendency to dig in his nails or bite his lips or scrape against his palms. He knew all of his ticks and maybe he should work to rid himself of them but they were the best he had to calm himself. 

Unfortunately when he was nervous he tended to hurt his hands and fingers, which wasn’t what he needed when he was about to try out for the Sendai Frogs. His college coach had recommended that Kei, along with a few of his teammates, try out. Which is why they skipped their normal practice and headed down to the stadium for open tryouts. 

Kyotani was pumped that they were finally able to try out. Kei couldn’t help but remember the one time Hinata threw up on Tanaka’s pants before a practice game and wondered if it helped. (Then he remembered that him and Tanaka were technically related and that didn’t help his stomach.) He was fairly certain that Kyotani would not be as amenable to the situation as Tanaka was. 

The gymnasium was large and smelled just like every tournament Kei had ever been in. The fact was somewhat calming. Once you’ve done something it was easy to do it again. 

Once the tryouts got started it was easy to shake the nerves and get into the rhythm. Everyone stretched together then they split into groups for separate drills including serving, spiking, and blocking. When they finished one round they rotated to the next drill. It was almost like being at a training camp.

Kei started with serving. Everyone who went before him had jump or float serves. They were all so good. But when it was his turn to get on the court he proved that he belonged to be there along with the rest of them. 

The same happened with the blocking drills. He didn’t know what it was but he was able to see the ball extremely well. He even managed to impress them by pulling his arms away at the last second and goading the spiker into hitting the ball out of bounds. It felt amazing. 

Before he had his chance to spike he had a small talk with the team’s starting setter about his highest spike point. It was a lot higher than his first year in high school and he (begrudgingly) had Kageyama and Hinata to thank for that. Occasionally spiking felt like flying, and luckily in front of everyone who was judging him, he flew. 

* * *

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** Beat you

**Attachment:** [IMG: Kei in his new Sendai Frogs jersey, Tsukishima is stretched across the back and he’s smirking slightly]

> [No content]

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Beat you

> Argh! I’m so jealous! You look so cool! I’ll be home in a few weeks and just you wait!!

* * *

The first time Kei and Kyotani joined an official practice with the Sendai Frogs, they felt like small children. On the college team there were plenty of players taller than them, but in the professional league there were players even taller than that. Kei, who had grown used to being the tallest person in most rooms, was a bit intimidated. 

As he looked up at the tallest player on the team he couldn’t help but wonder if this is what Hinata felt like all the time. Except with everyone and all the time. 

The practice was brutal, one of the other new recruits wondered aloud if it was some elaborate hazing ritual. It started with receiving but they pitted all of the new players against the existing players. Kei truly felt like they were in different leagues. 

He couldn’t cleanly receive the first few balls that were targeted at him, they hit off his arms and bounced out of bounds leaving behind a brutal sting. It took five attempts before he could return the ball to the setter’s position and by then his arms felt like jelly. Kyotani, who was going through the same treatment, did so with a dangerous smile. Even Kei, who was used to him, was a bit intimidated. 

Right around the time he started to think that he couldn’t take any more, someone blew a whistle and told them to switch to blocking. Kei idly wondered how many fingers he would leave with. 

Despite the rough treatment, he didn’t want to leave; his blood was pumping and he was ready to take on this next challenge.

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** [No Subject]

> ur so unfar wit who pretty u r. do u evn no i bet u dnt evn no. u Lso dun no tht the 1 time u tld me u wre gnna maek me cum was the hotest thng tht evr hapnd 2 me. evn the bj. evn the sex i had. Y do i stil lick u?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> Did you drunk email me to tell me I’m hot? Thanks, I think.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> Argh you read it. I was hoping I could send another email before you saw it that said to not open it! I’m so sorry Heitor and his fiance got me really drunk and I was talking about you and I thought it would be a really good idea to email you. I’m really sorry. Forget all about it. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> If I understood your terribly difficult to read first email, I said one sentence that was better than actual sex for you. How does that work? Have you had terrible sex?

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> I told you to ignore it! Fine, you asked for this. I’ve had good and bad sex but I’ve had it with people I don’t really care about because I thought it would be fun. It was fun! But it didn’t mean anything. It felt like getting a serve inbounds during practice when you thought it would feel like getting a no touch ace during an important match. With you it felt big and important because I really liked you and you really liked me. Even though you got scared you wanted me and it was nice.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> This is the most awkward thing I’ve ever written. While we’re talking about the hottest thing that’s ever happened to us. That same day, I sent you out of the room to… finish yourself and I did so myself and after I washed by hand you came back and I ran my fingers through your hair. I still think about it. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> So you liked putting your cum in my hair? Hot.
> 
> This is the weirdest sexting Ive ever done. 

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> Shut up, Shoyou.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> Do you still think of me Kei?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: [No Subject]

> Whenever I’m irritated and don’t know why, I check the date and it’s always Thursday.

* * *

Kei and Tadashi sat side-by-side focusing on Kei’s old television and rhythmically tapping on battered game controllers. Tadashi had shown up earlier in the day with a box full of the old games they used to play and invited himself in for a trip down memory lane. Kei was busy and tried to protest but Tadashi walked right by him and set up anyway. 

Figuring he could use a break Kei joined his best friend and they cycled through some old games, winning and losing in almost equal amounts. 

After two hours of constant playing, Kei put the controller down and stretched his fingers and wrists, he was surprised at how stiff they felt. Tadashi put his controller down as well but didn’t join him in stretching. Instead, he tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. 

“Shoyou emailed me. He’s coming home soon. I told him that me and Hitoka would pick him up at the airport. Do you want to come too?”

Kei glanced at his friend who was trying his hardest not to look at him, “This is the real reason you’re here, isn’t it? 

Tadashi hummed noncommittally, “I also wanted to see how my best friend was doing. Surprisingly well, it turns out.”

“Surprisingly well,” he mocked, “I know this continues to surprise everyone, but I’m able to take care of myself. I eat, I sleep, I clean, I do my classwork, I exercise, I went on dates.”

“With men?” Kei reached over and pushed Tadashi over, “What? I was just asking!” 

He crossed his arms and pretended it wasn’t a defensive position, “I know I’m gay, so yes. I didn’t tell you about them before because none of them ended well. Turns out I’m a terrible person.”

Tadashi snorted, “Anyone who knows you could have told you that. Someone will want to deal with you eventua-- hey, are you distracting me? Are you going to come to the airport with us or not?”

Kei sighed. Tadashi caught on much sooner than he thought he would, damn him for being so perceptive. He picked up the controller again and unpaused the game even though Tadashi wasn’t ready, “I’m busy.”

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** Coming home

> Im coming home next week. Tadashi and Hitoka are going to pick me up at the airport. Will you be there too?

* * *

Kei had an interview with the Sendai Museum. If they liked him then they would offer him a job for after he graduated, if not… well, Kei didn’t want to think about it. He was a bit embarrassed by how much he wanted this job. 

He could find his way around the museum blindfolded since the first time Akiteru took him there when they were children. No matter what new exhibit they were unveiling, Kei went to see it as soon as he could. He devoured the history behind everything he could and could recite most of it back.

Ironically the thing he prepared for the most had nothing to do with history or academics. He practiced explaining why they should hire him despite the fact he was on a professional sports team and therefore would not have an as reliable schedule as other candidates. His reasoning was that the majority of the players on his team also had day jobs or were students and since he was used to balancing his student responsibilities with his team responsibilities, he would be able to do the same with his job. 

When they asked about his involvement with the Sendai Frogs he was relieved that he practiced his spiel, he didn’t stutter or hesitate for even a moment. The older man interviewing him even mused that maybe they could form some kind of partnership between the two institutions, which was more than he could have hoped for. 

He left the museum feeling confident but he still had to wait to hear back from them. Maybe his future was shaping up. 

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** Im home

> Why wont you come see me?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Some of us are busy. I don’t just play with the Frogs, I still go to school and I just secured a job after I graduate. The whole world doesn’t revolve around you.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Youre still avoiding me.

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> You can prove nothing.

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** RE: Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Bokuto told me that you got dinner with Akaashi last week. Its not fair that I had to find out we were in the same city from Bokuto!!

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Then next time I see Akaashi I’ll tell him not to tell his loudmouthed boyfriend. 

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** RE: Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Kei! You have a gay friend!

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Im home

> Sure. I have a lot of school work to do, Shoyou. I don’t have time for this.

* * *

Kei stared at his phone. It was past ten and Tadashi was calling him. He debated hanging up. There was probably no reason for him to be calling that late and, if pressed, he coud say that he already fell asleep. 

He pressed the button to accept the call. 

“What?”

Tadashi laughed, “Good to hear from you too. This is important.”

Kei rubbed his eyes, “What’s important?”

“Have you looked at the V1 schedule?” 

Kei trudged across his apartment and into his bedroom, going to sleep about now actually did seem rather tempting, “Of course I haven’t,” he yawned, “Why?”

Tadashi sighed affectionately, “Because then you know that for Shoyou’s debut game he’s playing Tobio.” Kei hummed but didn’t say anything, “Hitoka and I are getting tickets, the game is in Sendai so you don’t have an excuse. Should I get you one too?”

“Yes.”

* * *

**To:** Tsukishima Kei

**From:** RE: Hinata Shoyou

**Subject:** Im sick

> I got sick. The team doctor said I overworked myself and will be better in a few days. Im so mad at myself. I was so careful in Rio. I learned so much. I cooked healthy food and I meditated and did yoga and did everything to take care of myself. Ive only been here for a few months and I already got sick. What am I doing wrong?

**To:** Hinata Shoyou

**From:** Tsukishima Kei

**Subject:** RE: Im sick

> Everyone gets sick sometimes, idiot. Just keep taking care of yourself and let others help when they can. 
> 
> I have some news for you that might make you feel better. Tadashi, Hitoka, and I got tickets to your debut game. If you insist we can all meet up afterwards. 

* * *

The stadium was louder than he thought it would be. Despite joining the V-League, Kei hadn’t been to a professional game before, especially as part of the crowd. The court was shiny and polished and ready for the two teams to take their places. Music blared over the loudspeaker. People jostled in every direction. 

It was overwhelming. 

Hitoka handed him a bottle of water and he brought it to his mouth automatically. The lid hit his teeth but he kept it in front of his face like a shield, the cool plastic felt calming against his skin. 

“Do you want me to open that?” she leaned in close to whisper. Hitoka had seen him get overwhelmed by crowds before and he was fairly certain that Tadashi had filled her in on some of the dirtier details, but she never treated him as incapable. She was nothing but helpful. 

He shook his head slightly and twisted the cap to show that he could open it, but closed it again and held the bottle in front of him. 

Hitoka nodded and began chatting about the different flavors of rice balls at Miya’s stand and what she hoped Tadashi would get for them. By concentrating on the lilt of her voice and consciously trying to drown out the din of the stadium, Kei was almost back to normal by the time Tadashi returned. He was at least well enough to eat the offered snack. 

(Silently Kei hoped that Akiteru didn’t see him, he and Saeko also had tickets for the match but they were in a different part of the stadium and that meant he could have direct sights on Kei.)

When the teams were being introduced Kei snickered when he saw Kageyama. 

“He has a terrible haircut.” 

Hitoka gasped, “Don’t say that. His sister probably cut it and she’s a hairdresser!” 

Kei glanced over at her, “his majesty has a sibling?” 

Tadashi nodded, “He never talked a lot about her but you’re the same way with Akiteru,” he covered his mouth and laughed quietly, “Did you know that when Hitoka met Aki she didn’t believe that you too were related even though all he did was say how great you are?” 

“He’s so embarrassing,” Kei said even as he took a moment to scan the crowd for his brother. Due to his search he missed Hitoka elbowing Tadashi in the side. 

Kei didn’t have any comments for Hinata’s introduction. 

The game went by faster than Kei could imagine. The entire thing was amazing. Even watching from the stands he could tell the difference between his V2 team and the dueling V1 teams. The talent difference felt immense. They truly were monsters. 

After the game a few of the players dawdled on the court and went to the sidelines to talk to reporters or sign autographs. It was Hinata’s debut game and he had already amassed a small crowd of people who were clamoring for his autograph. 

Tadashi bullied him into going down there and saying hello by promising to buy dinner and drinks at their next ten get-togethers. Hitoka rolled her eyes at them. 

As he walked down the steps of the stadium closer to the court he felt like gravity was suddenly getting heavier. Each step required more effort than the last until he wasn’t sure if he could manage to take another. An eternity and one set of stairs later he was on the outskirts of the group surrounding Hinata.

Hinata hadn’t noticed him yet and Kei was content to watch him interact with his new fans. He was impossibly bright and cheery as he signed shirts and took pictures with whoever asked. A few paces away reporters were interviewing other players and every so often Hinata glanced at them, waiting his turn for the spotlight. 

One of Hinata’s fans accidentally backed into Kei and they both reflexively apologized. Hinata’s head shot up at the sound of Kei’s voice so close after so long. 

“Hi,” he breathed out, “you actually came to the game.”

Kei looked awkwardly at the people still surrounding them, “I wasn’t going to waste the ticket.” He flinched inwardly, he could have at least said hello first. 

Hinata took a step towards him and the crowd parted slightly to let him through, it was obvious that they knew each other. “Do you want an autograph, Kei?” he teased lightly. 

Kei hated the easy way Hinata said his name after so long. He hated reading it in every email too but for some reason never told him to stop. He never told him not to call him that. He never created that distance between them. 

“I want…” he started, but no other words followed. Instead he reached out with a shaky hand to run his fingers through sweaty hair, and under the too-bright lights and in front of the crowds and cameras, pulled him in to kiss him for the first time in years. 


	5. Chapter 5

Shoyou’s lips were warm. He was still flush with exertion from the match and the heat of all of the bodies in the stadium moving to leave. He gasped lightly into the kiss but grabbed a fistful of Kei’s shirt to pull him impossibly closer. 

Kei always forgot how awkward it was to kiss Shoyou standing up. Their height difference had evened out a tad over the years but he was still a head taller than him and had to bend a bit awkwardly to kiss him properly. It felt so nice to have him in his arms again though, that for once he didn’t mind the obvious height difference and he didn’t think about how he would much rather be doing this sitting down like they used to instead of standing in the middle…

In the middle of the stadium. 

Shoyou must have felt Kei freeze because he broke the kiss and cupped Kei’s cheek to pull him down more so he could talk quietly. 

“You came here with Tadashi, right?” Shoyou glanced over Kei’s shoulder and nodded once, presumably at Tadashi, “He’ll take you home. Okay? You’re okay.”

Kei felt someone touch his elbow and he automatically pulled it away.

“Hey,” Tadashi said lightly, “It’s just me.”

They were treating him like a frightened horse and he didn’t like it. “I’m fine,” he tried to say but his voice barely came out in a whisper. He knew he was panicking, he could feel a chill creeping up his arms despite the warmth of the stadium and he could see blackness starting to tunnel his vision. He wanted to shake it away so he took a few deep breaths and glanced between his friend and… whatever Shoyou was.

Shoyou held his gaze, “Kei, go home and calm down. I have post-game things I need to do and then I’ll come over.”

Kei nodded at him and Tadashi took his elbow again. When they turned around he saw Hitoka and Akiteru a few paces away, he had forgotten that they were also at the match. Truth be told, for a moment he had forgotten everything other than Shoyou. 

“Kei, I don’t know where you live anymore!” Shoyou called out to him after they walked a few steps away, he sounded amused but Kei couldn’t respond. He was fairly certain he lived close by. 

Tadashi stopped walking and Kei stumbled at the abrupt halt, “One of us will text it to you,” he motioned to the four of them. Kei idly wondered if Akiteru actually had Shoyou’s phone number. He wondered if he still had Shoyou’s phone number or if he deleted the contact. 

He looked over at his brother. Akiteru was an odd combination of worried and proud, but then again when it came to Kei he always seemed equal parts worried and proud, so maybe it wasn’t that odd. When Aki noticed him looking he flashed Kei a grin and mouthed ‘good job’. Kei wondered where Saeko went, he was pretty sure she was at the match too.

He couldn’t keep his thoughts straight. 

Apparently they were walking because soon the cold air was stinging his face. He hated the cold. He hated bundling up and feeling like he couldn’t move. Someone handed him his coat but his arms felt heavy and he struggled putting it on. After two attempts Akiteru helped him.

He slumped heavily against Akiteru’s shoulder, “‘m tired, wanna go home.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Aki consoled, “we’re going. Tadashi is texting your boyfriend and then him and Yachi are going home. You’re stuck with me for a bit.”

“He’s not my,” he protested weakly, barely lifting his head off of his brother’s shoulder, “yeah, ‘kay.”

Akiteru hummed, “You’re agreeing with me so you must be out of it. I thought we could walk it but let’s get a cab instead.”

* * *

Kei was in his bed. He didn’t remember getting there but he also didn’t remember the last time his pillow ever felt this comfortable so he could worry about how he got there another time. Or he would have if he didn’t hear a quiet chuckle from entirely too close. Usually there weren’t other people in his bed. Actually, there were never other people in his bed.

He opened one eye and saw the blurry outline of Shoyou. He had brought Kei’s desk chair closer to the bed so he hadn’t actually joined him in the bed and he had rested his head in his arms on the edge of the mattress to comfortably watch Kei sleep. Kei looked to the clock on the bedside table to see what time it was but without his glasses he couldn’t read the numbers. 

Shoyou tracked his gaze and handed him his glasses. 

“What are you doing here?” Kei asked, his voice still heavy with sleep, “Don’t you have things to do?”

Shoyou smiled warmly at him, “You’ve been sleeping for a few hours. I finished everything I needed to do and your brother let me in when I got here. I think he’s gone now though.”

Kei rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before he put his glasses on. When the room came into focus he could tell that night had fallen. He had probably missed a meal somewhere along the line but he could eat later. Instead he stared at Shoyou. His eyelids were still heavy and part of him couldn’t believe that he was there so he drank in the sight so he could dream about it later. 

“Hi.”

Shoyou couldn’t contain his laugh, “Hey,” even Kei had to smile back, the situation was kind of ridiculous, “Feeling okay?” 

Kei sighed and rolled on his back to stare at the ceiling, he missed the glow in the dark stars from Akiteru’s old room but felt too old to put them up in his apartment, “I don’t really remember getting home but I feel okay,” he turned his head towards Shoyou and reached out with both arms, “will you come here?” 

He climbed into Kei’s bed and for the first time he noticed that Shoyou was wearing one of his old tee shirts. Kei traced the hem lightly. “Oh,” Shoyou watched his fingers, “I was in a hurry and left the stadium without changing so I used your shower and borrowed a shirt. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

Kei’s eyes traveled up the shirt until they landed on Shoyou’s face, “Can I kiss you again?” 

Shoyou nodded and laid down next to him but Kei wasn’t having any of that and pulled him on top of him. Shoyou groaned lightly and Kei could feel his breathing pick up even though they hadn’t started kissing yet, he didn’t know why he warranted such a reaction but he definitely liked it. 

He leaned up and captured his mouth in another kiss. After a moment Shoyou pulled back with a teasing smile and Kei tried to chase after him. 

“Have I ever told you that I hate how you kiss?” he groaned. 

His smile widened, “You don’t.”

“I don’t.”

Kei didn’t know how long the traded kisses for but his room continued to darken until even with his glasses on it was getting difficult to see and he could feel Shoyou’s stomach rumbling. He could also feel that even though they had done nothing more than kiss chastely and occasionally run their tongues against the other’s closed lips that they were both hard and trying to ignore it. 

He appreciated it too, because he wasn’t ready to do anything more than this. He still didn’t know what he wanted besides this. 

Shoyou must have felt something change, he was too perceptive about feelings, “Kei?” he mumbled against Kei’s lips, “What are we doing?”

He had to stop himself from just answering ‘kissing’ because he knew that wasn’t what he was being asked. But what were they doing? What was he doing? What did he want from Shoyou? What was the point of going up to him after the match and kissing him out of the blue? 

Kei needed the answers to those questions himself. He needed time. He reached up and ran his fingers through Shoyou’s hair. Did he need time? Didn’t he just have years to figure out what he wanted from Shoyou? The two others he went out with had the distinct problem of not being the person he wanted. 

“Do you,” he cleared his throat, “Do you want to go out with me? For real? I mean, mostly privately, because I’m still me, but--”

Shoyou shut him up with a kiss that was far rougher than any of their previous ones and had both of them moaning, “Yes, shut up. Now I need to leave the room or we’re going to do something you’re not ready for, so I’m going to go make something to eat for both of us.”

Kei waited ten minutes before he left his room and found Shoyou standing in front of his stove. The kitchen may be different but the scene was familiar. Shoyou had raided his refrigerator and cabinets to see what kind of food he could pull together and was scowling over the lack of options. The familiarity was comforting. 

In the time Kei had waited Shoyou had chopped some vegetables and was getting ready to make some omelets. Kei really needed to go grocery shopping. 

He crossed the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Shoyou’s waist to watch him cook. “Before I leave I’m buying you more food,” Shoyou scolded. “How do you live like this?”

Kei hummed and rested his chin on top of Shoyou’s head before slipping his hands up his shirt to touch his stomach. He was a lot more toned than he remembered so he idly let his hands wander while he watched him cook.

“Kei,” Shoyou breathed out. He made a questioning noise but Shoyou didn’t say anything else so Kei let his hands keep wandering. It was oddly calming to touch his skin again, it felt nice under his palms. 

When one of his hands brushed against a nipple, Shoyou gasped loudly and pushed the pan off of the open flame so the food wouldn’t burn before he turned the stove top off completely.

“Are you okay?” Kei asked, withdrawing his hands.

He scrubbed his hands against his face, “I know we’re not going to have sex tonight so I need you to stop touching me like that. Please,” he pleaded. 

“Oh,” Kei said after second. He didn’t realize he was doing anything, “Um, I’m not good at this. Do you want to come?”

Shoyou hid his face in his hand and turned around to bury into Kei’s chest, “How is that so hot? No one else can be like, hey do you want to orgasm and make it sound so good,” he peeked through his fingers and looked up at Kei, “Can we lay on your couch?” 

They crossed the room to his couch. Kei laid on his back and watched as Shoyou slipped out of his shorts and straddled his lap. He looked nervous so Kei ran his hands up and down his thighs in a calming motion. It seemed to work.

Kei licked his lips, surprised at how dry his mouth was, “Just don’t get any on me.”

Shoyou nodded. His eyes were dark as he looked down at Kei and pulled himself out of his underwear. Kei watched, entranced as he jerked himself off. He alternated between long and slow strokes and rough and fast ones. Kei wanted to touch him but he kept his hands on Shoyou’s thighs and felt his muscles tense and jump instead. 

When he was close Shoyou switched to two hands, one to stroke and one to cover the head and catch his release. Before he came, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Kei’s. It was barely a kiss, rather he breathed harshly into Kei’s mouth as he finished and rested there for a moment as he recovered.

Kei’s hand traveled to Shoyou’s clenched fist. They should have been more prepared and brought something to clean up with but regardless, something was compelling him to touch it. Shoyou sat up as he felt Kei pry his hand open and he watched as Kei dipped two fingers into his semen and examined it. 

Kei glanced up and Shoyou was simply watching him curiously. He reached up and brushed it across Shoyou’s cheekbones. 

His eyes went wide, “I’m going to kiss you now and it’s also going to get on your face, okay?”

Kei nodded.

* * *

Akiteru let himself into Kei’s apartment with the sole purpose of checking on his brother but stopped in his tracks when he saw Shoyou asleep on the couch. His entrance hadn’t been a quiet one so Shoyou stirred awake and the two of them looked at each other from across the room. Kei wasn’t there.

“You’re still here,” Akiteru said, unable to keep the surprise from his voice.

Shoyou frowned at him, “Why wouldn’t I be here?” He sat up on the couch and stretched out his back. From his new position Akiteru could see that he was wearing one of Kei’s shirts but he didn’t comment on it.

He shook his head, “That’s not what I mean. You didn’t have to go back to your team?”

“Oh,” Shoyou picked up his cellphone from the floor, “I was sharing a hotel room with Bokuto so I told him that I wasn’t going to be in. Coach knows I‘m from around here and had a lot of friends so it was a possibility that I was going to stay with someone and he heard about the kiss so… People know I’m with Kei.”

“That reminds me,” Akiteru muttered to himself, “I hid Kei’s phone yesterday. I didn’t know if the kiss was televised but I did know he wouldn’t want people contacting him about it. It’s with the bowls in the kitchen cabinets.”

Shoyou nodded, “It was televised. I got lectured.”

Akiteru slumped against the wall and sighed, “For his sake I really hoped it wasn’t. I mean, I saw the cameras but I hoped they weren’t pointed at you.”

“Sorry.” 

“What are you doing out here, anyway? Why aren’t you…” he motioned towards Kei’s bedroom where he assumed his brother was. 

Shoyou shrugged, “I thought this was better. I don’t want to overwhelm him.” He rubbed the back of his neck, “Was that dumb?”

“No!” Akiteru crossed the room and put his hand on Shoyou’s shoulder, “It was perfect.” 

Kei chose that moment to make his appearance. He trudged out of his room in track pants and an old tee shirt and seemed surprised to find them in his living room. He paused in his tracks and squinted at them, he hadn’t bothered to put his glasses on because he had just intended on getting some water and going back to sleep. 

“Oh,” he rubbed his eyes and tried to clear up some more of his vision, “that all happened.” He turned back towards his bedroom and muttered, “gonna get my glasses.”

The second time Kei made his appearance he was fully dressed. He sat next to Shoyou on the couch but left an arm’s width between them. 

“Why are you here, Aki?” he rubbed his eyes again. He wasn’t a morning person or a dealing with his brother in the morning person. 

He sighed dramatically, “I already explained it to Shoyou, I wanted to make sure you were okay and I wanted to offer to go through your phone for you.”

Kei looked up at him, he didn’t really understand, “My phone?”

Akiteru received Kei’s phone from its hiding place and handed it over. It was overflowing with messages. He had never had so many notifications on his phone. “Do you want me to clear it out? I can keep what I think is important.”

He looked between the phone, his brother, and Shoyou before pocketing it, “No, I’ll do it later. But, Aki,” he glanced between Akiteru and Shoyou again, “can you go, please?”

After Akiteru made his exit Shoyou joked about how it was weird to hear Kei talk so politely. 

The two of them made their way into the kitchen and Shoyou searched through Kei’s sparse cabinets to see what he could pull together for breakfast. Kei stood back and watched as he pulled things out and frowned and muttered about going shopping before he left so he could make sure that Kei at least had some food around. It was almost comfortable. But something was nagging at him.

“When do you have to leave?”

Shoyou kept combining ingredients, Kei didn’t know where he pulled half of them from, “Hmm, tonight I guess. I have to go back to the team.”

He watched him cook since he didn’t know when he would have the chance to again, “What does that mean for us?”

“When we were in high school I told your brother I was willing to do long distance with you,” he looked over his shoulder to see Kei watching him and smiled at him, “this is barely any distance at all. We’re only a quick train ride away. If you still mean it, I’d like to be your boyfriend.”

“My boyfriend,” he repeated. The word felt weird on his tongue but it didn’t feel wrong.

* * *

After Shoyou left to rejoin his teammates, and after more than a few lingering kisses, Kei sat alone in his room looking at his phone. The screen was still dark but he knew that he had at least a hundred messages to go through.

He clicked the button on the side of his phone and the screen lit up, he purposefully didn’t look at the exact number of notifications he had.

Kei decided to start with something easy and opened the message thread he had with Tadashi. Tadashi, of course, knew about his history with Shoyou so wouldn’t bombard him with surprised or congratulatory or disgusted messages but he would supply him with the information he needed. 

He did not disappoint. 

**Tadashi:** So the bad news is that the kiss was televised 

**Tadashi:** Here’s a link if you want to see it [link]

 **Tadashi:** Good news is they don’t know it’s you, so far none of your teammates or people who know you have gone to the news or anything and said that it’s you. But they probably know you better than to do that

 **Tadashi:** Shoyou had to do an interview right after and was asked about it but deflected pretty well [link]

 **Tadashi:** A lot of our Karasuno teammates have been texting me and asking if I knew anything about you two and I haven’t told them anything but you should expect a lot of messages. 

**Tadashi:** I’ll let you know if anything else happens. Let me know you’re okay.

Kei quickly texted back a thank you for the information and said that he was doing fine but he did accidentally skip class today. The fact that he may have responsibilities today didn’t cross his mind and he felt a bit guilty about it.

He hovered his finger over the first link Tadashi sent him but didn’t click it. He both wanted and didn’t want to know what the world saw. Instead he clicked the second link and loaded the video to watch Shoyou’s interview afterwards. 

The video opened on a still slightly pink Shoyou. If you didn’t know what had just happened it would be easy to write it off as exertion but the reporter wasn’t going to let that happen. 

The reporter laughed lightly, “Wow. I was going to ask you about your debut game, and I will, don’t worry about that, but can I ask you about that kiss?”

Shoyou took a deep breath and plastered on a surprisingly fake smile, “We haven’t seen each other in a while,” he laughed but it was fake too, “now c’mon, let’s talk about volleyball! That match was so amazing!”

She looked disappointed but accepted the change of topic, “For your debut game--”

Kei closed the video. Shoyou had done a good job at shutting her down, he made a mental note to thank him later but for now he had some other messages to look through. 

**Kyotani:** Huh

 **Kyotani:** Good for you

**Sugawara:** About time!!!

 **Sugawara:** Congratulations my adorable kohai!! What a good way to end an excellent game!

**Saeko:** WHOO

**Kageyama:** ????

 **Kageyama:** What? 

**Hitoka:** Hope you two are okay. Let me know if you need anything.

**Akaashi:** Nice.

Kei kept scrolling and scrolling and the more he read the more he was surprised. Everyone seemed so happy for him. He didn’t know how to feel about that.

* * *

Kei couldn’t afford to miss class again. He stood in front of his door and willed himself to leave his apartment. If he didn’t go someone was going to come by and drag him out, that’s how it always went, so he might as well leave on his own. The thought that he should leave didn’t stop him from standing by the door with his hand on the knob for a few minutes though. 

After entirely too long he finally stepped outside. Everything was the same. He frowned. He felt like something should be different, everything had changed for him and yet the world had kept going the same as always. No one looked at him oddly as he walked to class. No one spared him a second glance as he sat down in his seat. 

He had kissed someone on national television and no one in his immediate surroundings had seemed to notice. He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or offended. Volleyball wasn’t the most popular sport but they had a local team and the match that just happened was sort of a big deal. He was teetering on offended which was odd because minutes earlier he desperately didn’t want to be noticed.

It wasn’t until after class that someone approached him. 

“Hey this a weird question,” they started, “but did I see you on TV yesterday? Kissing another dude?” 

His question caught the attention of a few of the other students. Kei felt his throat close up and he immediately regretted feeling offended that people didn’t watch volleyball. He wanted to take it back. Absolutely no one should watch volleyball, it was a terrible sport. (He felt terribly guilty thinking that and did mentally apologize to every team he had ever been on.)

“Because I was watching the local sports news,” the guy kept going, “and there was a volleyball game and some guy who looked like you just smacked one on one of the players after the game.”

Kei nodded and cleared his throat, “Yeah, that was me. He’s, um, my boyfriend?” He tried not to flinch, “He just got back from abroad.” 

“Cool, I thought I recognized you.”

And that was it. No one made a big deal of it. 

**Kei:** Mark your calendar, I told someone you were my boyfriend.

**Shoyou:** [IMG: Screenshot of a calendar event reading “Kei acknowledged my existence”]

**Kei:** I hate you.

**Shoyou:** Nah

* * *

No one made a big deal of it until he went to volleyball practice. When he walked into the locker room everyone started applauding him. He seriously debated turning around and leaving. He could quit the team and find a neighborhood association team to join instead and they would probably be less likely to harass him. 

Kyotani slung a heavy arm around his shoulders before he could make his escape and walked him deeper into the room.

“What the hell was that, Tsukishima?” one of the older players asked jovially. 

Kei flinched at his booming voice. There was no way to get away from this interrogation. They had all either seen him Shoyou or at least knew about it and they wanted some kind of explanation from him. The question wasn’t hostile despite the word choice but Kei wasn’t sure what he should or should not tell them. 

He floundered. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words would come out, he didn’t even know what words he was trying to form. 

Kyotani snorted besides him, “Those two assholes have known each other since they were fifteen. How old are you now?”

“Twenty-two,” Kei mumbled.

“You’ve been together for seven years?” someone else asked. Kei couldn’t tell who because he was too busy examining his shoes.

He put his hand up and waved it noncommittally. They haven’t not been together since they were in high school but they also weren’t together. But no one needed to know any of the details of his terrible relationship history. 

Luckily the coach chose that moment to enter. He seemed surprised to Tsukishima among the players present but nodded at him and kept going. “Are we going to stand here with our thumbs up our asses or are we going to go play some volleyball?” Then, mortifyingly, he turned to Kei and said, “No offense.” 

At first Kei was confused but as his teammates began to lightly snicker around him he caught on to the joke and turned bright red. 

Was it too late to quit?

Kyotani, the traitor, burst out laughing. 

* * *

Having a long distance boyfriend wasn’t as easy as Shoyou made it out to be. More often than not they didn’t get to see each other and Kei was not good at keeping up with communication. He often didn’t answer phone calls because he didn’t feel like talking and forgot about text messages even if he meant to answer.

Maybe it wasn’t that long distance was hard but that Kei was a bad boyfriend. It didn’t really occur to him that Shoyou might want to interact with him a lot more than they were. 

When they managed to find time for each other things were comfortable. Shoyou would show up with a bag full of groceries and Kei would roll his eyes but accept the offerings and they would stay in and block out the rest of the world. Shoyou honestly didn’t mind that Kei didn’t want to go out, they were both tired from their respective weeks and it was nice to stay in and rest.

Shoyou liked to stay in and cook for him. Kei liked having him in his space. And after a day or so they parted again and Kei missed him a bit but he was busy and didn’t think to ask for more or to give more.

Shoyou, on the other hand, tried to ask for more and Kei blew him off. He wasn’t even asking for much, he wanted Kei to answer the phone when he had time so they could talk more and to please answer his texts more regularly. Kei wanted to scoff at him but instead he told Shoyou that he was doing the best he could.

* * *

Akiteru was nervous. He was pissed but he was also nervous. Their mother had demanded that if he wanted their portion of the money that they had to meet up in person and she would hand deliver them a check. Oh, and she wanted both of them there. Akiteru tried to fight her on her terms, he told her that the mail was perfectly safe and there was certified mail so he would have to sign and accept the letter so she knew it was delivered to him, but she didn’t accept. 

The two of them traveled to their home town in relative silence. The radio on the car Aki had borrowed from one of his coworkers piped in cheery music that didn’t fit the mood but neither of them moved to change it. Saeko had offered to go with them but Akiteru declined her offer, he didn’t want to inflict his mother on his wife or start a fight. 

Kei kind of wished she came, she would have no problem grabbing the check and running them out of there. Without her there was no doubt the three of them were going to talk. He was dreading it. There was no telling what she would bring up. Or worse, if she tried to apologize to them. 

They arrived at the meeting place all too soon. At first she wanted to meet them in front of their old house but Akiteru put his foot down and refused. Kei didn’t care about seeing the house or not but Aki was adamant about it so they agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant instead. 

When they stepped inside their mother was already seated at a table. She smiled weakly at them, “I already ordered for all of us.”

Akiteru frowned at her, “Why would you do that? You don’t know what we like and maybe we don’t have time to stay.”

She lowered her eyes at him, “You will sit and eat with me and then I will hand over the money that you keep demanding I give you.”

Akiteru visibly deflated and took a seat. Kei sat next to him. None of them said a word until the food arrived and Kei could feel the tensions rising around them. He had to stop himself digging his nails into his palms. Instead he clutched his phone and wondered if he could discreetly text Shoyou without being scolded by his mother. He didn’t attempt it. 

When the food arrived their mother instructed the server of who should get which dish. Kei and Aki immediately switched plates.

“Kei won’t eat that,” Aki said under her scrutinizing gaze, “he doesn’t like the texture.”

Kei let out a small ‘ha’ and drew their attention towards him, “Aki can’t eat that, he’s allergic.”

Their mother turned red, whether with embarrassment or anger he wasn’t sure, but didn’t push the issue or force them to switch back. They quietly began to eat their food and Kei hoped that the rest of the meal would pass just as silently. 

He only got a few bites in before his mother cleared her throat. 

“So, Akiteru. I was in town a few weeks ago and I heard the strangest news. Did you marry the Tanaka girl?” 

Akiteru looked at the ring on his finger, drawing their mother’s attention to it as well, “Yes. Her name is Saeko,” he said politely. 

She blotted her mouth with her napkin, “Why wasn’t I invited?”

Akiteru bristled, “We didn’t have a wedding.”

She hummed dismissively and looked towards Kei, “And you,” Kei stopped eating and placed his hands in his lap, “I saw you on television the other day.”

“I play professional volleyball, sometimes the matches are televised,” he said evenly. He knew that wasn’t what she was referring to but he didn’t plan on giving in so easily. 

“I don’t believe you were one of the players,” her voice was still calm but it was not warm, “Are you gay?” 

Kei bit the inside of his cheek and clenched his fists. He took a moment to center himself before answering, “I’ve known that I was gay since middle school, mother.”

She looked taken aback by his answer, or maybe his openness about it, and Kei took her surprise as a small victory. He wasn’t sure what type of weird chess game they were playing but he wanted to win at least a few points. She wanted something from them, there was no other reason to call them both there, and he didn’t plan on giving her much of anything.

“But what about grandchildren,” she frowned.

Kei almost laughed about how she managed to make his sexuality about her. Instead he scowled at her, “Why do you think that any of my potential children, not that I want any, would be your grandchildren? You were hardly my mother.” 

“I did the best I could,” she protested.

He crossed his arms, “Aki did the best he could, not you.”

Akiteru bit back a smile, “Mother, I believe that we’re done here. Please, give me the check so we can pay for Kei’s college.”

She hesitated but she handed it over. The two of them didn’t look back as they left.

On the ride back to his apartment he couldn’t help but think about his mother saying she did the best she could and how he was saying the same thing to Shoyou. Maybe he needed to try harder. 

* * *

Shoyou was mad at him.

He probably deserved it but he didn’t like it.

Seeing Shoyou mad was a bit like seeing Akiteru mad. It didn’t suit him at all. He seethed when he was angry. If he was a cartoon, steam would have come out of his ears and filled the room. He had seen Shoyou angry in the past, but rarely was it turned on him.

He shook when he was angry and Kei wanted to reach out and touch him to calm him down like Shoyou had done so many times before for him, but he didn’t want to make things worse. 

“Kei,” he said finally, “Do you know how relationships work?”

He sighed, “Obviously not.”

Shoyou clenched his jaw, he didn’t like Kei’s answer, “Do you actually want to be with me or am I the only idiot dumb enough to put up with you!” 

Kei flinched at his words. He could see that Shoyou regretted what he said but it didn’t make him feel any better. “You know that I like you,” he tried to sound like the words didn’t pain him to say, “I want to be with you.”

Shoyou took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “You like spending time with me and want to spend more time with me? Do you actually want to talk to me?”

He looked away, embarrassed, “Yes,” he mumbled, “I like when you’re here. But you don’t need to listen to me talk about history.”

He reached over and took Kei’s hands, Kei was visibly surprised at the touch, “I want to listen to you talk about things you like! Listening to you be passionate about things makes me happy. But it feels like you don’t want to talk to me at all.”

“I want to talk to you all the time.”

Shoyou laughed, “Then do it, you big dummy. Or I’m going to yell at you again.”

* * *

Kei was finally graduating. He had the option to go to the ceremony and walk across a stage in front of all of his peers but he thought that it sounded terrible and he told Akiteru as much. Akiteru still insisted that they celebrate his graduation and his new job at the museum, 

He begrudgingly agreed to let his brother take him out to lunch. He did not expect Shoyou to show up with him. 

“Surprise!” Shoyou threw his hands in the air, “Akiteru texted me and asked if I wanted to come so I skipped practice to be here but I need to leave right after. I can only stay a few hours.”

“Oh,” Kei blushed lightly, he didn’t expect to see him. It was a long train ride just to turn around and do it again, “You didn’t have to.”

Akiteru rolled his eyes at them, “Just kiss him already, you know you want to. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Then we can head out to lunch.”

Kei glared at him, “If you had any manners then you wouldn’t constantly walk in on us.” It was easier to accuse Aki of being rude than to admit that Kei still hadn’t really adjusted to kissing Shoyou while they were standing up. Out of spite he pulled Shoyou inside and kissed him. He could feel Shoyou laugh into the kiss.

“Thank you,” he murmured against Shoyou’s lips.

The three of them headed out of Kei’s apartment and began their walk towards a nearby restaurant. Kei shoved both of his hands in his pockets so he didn’t have to worry about Shoyou trying to hold his hand. He pretended not to notice disappointment flash across his face but he did take a step closer to him so their arms bumped when they walked.

Shoyou glanced up at him and gave him a quick smile. 

At the restaurant Akiteru clapped his hands together, “Order anything you want!” 

Kei and Shoyou picked up menus to look at what they were offering. Shoyou eagerly read through the menu and his stomach audibly growled. At any normal time Kei would have commented on what a bottomless pit he is, but instead he watched Shoyou’s hands. 

It was a stupid thing to be looking at but he couldn’t help but think about how he was upset while they were walking and how Shoyou wanted more from him.

Without warning he grabbed Shoyou’s wrist. He looked over at him, “Huh?” 

Kei tugged at his wrist until Shoyou let go of the menu and pulled his hand under the table to link their fingers together. Shoyou squeezed his hand tightly and beamed so brightly at him that Kei had to look away from him. 

Akiteru was smiling at him like he was proud so Kei scowled at him.

“Don’t make a big deal out of it,” he told both of them, “I wanted to do it, I did it. We can order food now.”

Kei tensed when the server came over to take their order but Shoyou stroked the back of his hand with his thumb and he slowly relaxed. He had held Shoyou’s hand before in the safety of his apartment but never outside where others could see and potentially judge him. But Shoyou did a good job of calming him down and eventually he forgot that he was doing something unusual. 

Of course, that was ruined when Shoyou tried to gesture with both of his hands and pulled Kei along with him. The bright laugh that followed was worth the sudden jolt and the embarrassment. Kei didn’t even scold him, simply brought their still joined hands back under the table. 

He couldn’t believe that he was showing off how disgustingly taken he was with his boyfriend to his brother. Akiteru didn’t comment on it though, just smiled knowingly at him. Kei imagined that he would hear about it later. 

After a long and loud meal, and a reminder of why it may be best to limit Shoyou and Akiteru’s interactions-- they were both too excitable and bounced off of each other, they headed back to Kei’s apartment. Before they stood up from the table Shoyou let go of his hand and thanked him. Kei felt his throat go dry, he didn’t like that he let go but at the same time he was grateful that they did. 

Back at Kei’s apartment the three of them hovered outside of his door but didn’t go inside.

Akiteru let out an exaggerated sigh, “I’m going to go for a walk around the block to give you two some time, but remember that he needs to leave very soon.” 

They slipped inside the apartment without Akiteru and reached for each other before the door closed all the way. Before they could make their way deeper inside the house Shoyou stopped them to look up at Kei with wide and honest eyes, “Thank you.”

Kei leaned down and kissed him.

* * *

After graduation Kei started his job at the museum. The night before his first day he babbled nervously on the phone to Shoyou for over an hour to try and calm his nerves. It didn’t really help and he ended up having a terrible night’s sleep and not making a great first impression on his new coworkers. Most people who knew him figured out that they had to get through his prickly exterior, so he hoped his coworkers didn’t hold it against him. 

After three months of working Kei felt like he was finally understanding how things at the museum worked, all of the systems they had in place and the social relationships. The work was the easy part. It could be challenging, of course, and tedious at times, but he enjoyed what he was doing. (And if he was tucked in a back hallway away from patrons they allowed him to put on his headphones and listen to music while he tried to get through the more tedious tasks.)

The social aspect of work was harder. During college he could easily keep to himself and do well, except during group projects he didn’t have to interact with anyone, and mostly he didn’t. He played a team sport so it wasn’t that he didn’t know how to be a team player, but being part of a team where you ran drills together and physically worked together was completely different from being part of an academic department where working together wasn’t as bodily. 

He tried to explain the difference to Shoyou but his traitorous boyfriend laughed at him and told him he needed more work skinship. He hung up on him after that, and felt a bit guilty but Shoyou texted him a smiley face so he assumed he was forgiven. 

He had people he worked closely with at work, and a few that he talked to regularly about things outside of their work, but he still ate lunch alone. 

One day when he was eating in the public cafeteria he heard someone call his name. He looked up from his mediocre food, he had forgotten to go grocery shopping and therefore couldn’t bring his own lunch, and saw his father making his way towards him. Kei looked around for a possible quick exit but before he could make a move he sat down across from him. 

“What are you doing here?” his father asked gruffly. 

“I…” Kei looked around again, “I work here?” 

His father looked him up and down, taking in how he was dressed and the lanyard around his neck with his museum ID card, “Thought you played volleyball. Or they kick you out?”

He rubbed his hands against his pants, the material was too smooth to be comforting, “I play. Sendai Frogs. Division 2,” He swallowed, it was getting harder to get out more than a sentence fragment, “Why would they kick me out?” He prayed that his father didn’t bring up Shoyou. 

“I saw you on TV. Well, my wife saw you and brought me over and went ‘isn’t that your son?’ and I had to tell her that no son of mine would be kissing another man,” he said casually as he ate his food.

Kei inhaled sharply.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” 

He licked his lips and looked up from his plate, “I’m not your son,” his voice was shakier than he wanted it to be, “Akiteru raised me. I’ve known that I was gay since middle school.” He looked back down at his plate. He was also going to say that he had a boyfriend but there was no reason to drag Shoyou into this mess.

His father reached out and slapped him. Kei’s head moved to the side due to the force and he kept it there, not bothering to straighten back up. The resounding sound had silenced the cafeteria and two guards approached to deescalate the situation. 

Kei didn’t move until someone touched his shoulder. They asked him a question but he didn’t hear it. Someone suggested that he go home, or maybe he said that he needed to go home, he wasn’t too sure.

A while late though, he woke up in his bed with Shoyou holding his hand. He didn’t remember contacting him but he was glad that he did. 

* * *

Shoyou had finally convinced him to go on a real date. He had asked for weeks if they could go out and see a movie and then go out for dinner but Kei kept telling him that they could do both of those things at home. Eventually he was worn down and agreed to go out. 

At the movie theater Kei led them to the back row of seats. Before they went down the aisle he froze and turned to Shoyou, “I’m tall,” he said. Shoyou squinted at him, “I’m not trying to hide you,” he clarified. 

Shoyou snorted and made his way down the aisle to get them seats before immediately leaving to get snacks. Kei made a disgusted face at the sheer amount of food he brought back considering they were planning on getting dinner after, but he did take a piece of the offered chocolate. Who was he to say no to sweets? 

When the lights went down Shoyou lifted the armrest between them and scooted closer. He physically picked up Kei’s arm to drape it over his shoulders and tangled their fingers together. Kei glanced around quickly but no one was looking at them and it really was too dark to make out any details, so he relaxed into the touch.

While the opening trailers were running, Kei made a decision. He made the decision that right now he was going to make Shoyou happy. He took a deep breath and with his free hand gently touched Shoyou’s chin to get him to look up. Kissing him in public was equal parts thrilling and terrifying. It was dark enough that no one would see them but they still ran the risk of getting caught. They weren’t doing anything bad but his heart still pounded in his chest. 

Shoyou gasped quietly into the kiss, surprised at his boyfriend’s bold actions and leaned further into it. He slowly parted his lips and ran his tongue across Kei’s bottom lip but he jolted back.

“Sorry,” Kei whispered, “too much.”

From this close he could see how dark Shoyou’s eyes had gotten. He nodded at him slowly and turned back to the screen. 

Throughout most of the movie they traded a handful of long kisses until they were three quarters the way done and Shoyou pulled away, going as far to put the armrest back down between them. Kei gave him a questioning look but Shoyou just shook his head. He grabbed Kei’s hand again so they could hold hands again but it was their only point of contact. Kei found himself oddly cold.

When the credits started to roll he turned back to his boyfriend, “did I do something wrong?” 

He shook his head again and leaned a bit closer, “I’m sorry, I was worked up, I needed to stop.” 

“Oh,” Kei said, but then the full weight of his words hit him and he blushed hard, “Oh.” 

Shoyou smiled sheepishly at him, “Yup, I took care of it,” a look of horror crossed his face, “Not like that! I mean, I moved over!” 

Kei rolled his eyes at him and they left the theater laughing together. 

On their way to the restaurant they didn’t hold hands. They didn’t even stand particularly close together. Shoyou waved his hands around while he spoke and Kei stood safely out of his reach, he had been accidentally punched in the face more than once during a particularly intense retelling of a recent volleyball match. (One that Kei had in fact seen and didn’t need to be told about.)

But as they walked Kei made eye contact with someone walking the opposite direction. Osada. Kei hadn’t seen him in a long time. They both stopped walking. Shoyou continued a few more steps before he realized that his partner had stopped then turned to observe the staring match that was going on. 

Kei broke the silence first, “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, “I wasn’t ready for anything. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

Osada nodded at him but his expression remained neutral, “Thanks,” he looked towards Shoyou who was silently watching, “this your boyfriend then?” 

“Yeah,” Kei swallowed his embarrassment, “We’re on a date.” 

“You don’t look like you’re on a date.”

Shoyou chose that moment to step in. “That’s probably my fault,” he laughed and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, “I got a lecture from this strict looking PR lady and she asked me to please stay out of the news for non-volleyball things. Well, she asked me but it was more like she told me.”

Osada loosened up after listening to him ramble. Kei wasn’t too surprised by that, Shoyou had that effect on people.

“We should get going,” Kei cut in before he could babble some more, “we don’t want to keep you.”

“Nice to meet you!” 

The two of them continued their walk but at an intersection Kei turned right back towards his apartment rather than left towards the restaurant they agreed to go to. Shoyou didn’t comment on it, he let Kei lead them back through the familiar streets towards his apartment and right back inside. 

As soon as the door was closed, Kei was kissing him, mumbling that they could get food later but he needed to do this now between almost frantic kisses. Shoyou slowed them down and led them towards Kei’s bedroom. 

For the most part Shoyou stayed out of his bedroom. Unlike in high school most of their kissing, or other activities, did not happen in there, they tended to happen on his couch or in his kitchen instead. Because they were adults the bedroom seemed like a dangerously tempting place, and both of them knew that Kei wasn’t too ready for much more than what they were doing-- and they were fine with that. 

But neither of them resisted when they pushed open the door of his bedroom and no one protested when they climbed on the bed and Kei immediately pulled Shoyou on top of him. Shoyou absolutely didn’t mind when Kei pulled at the hem of his shirt and instead of just slipping his hands underneath pulled it up over his head. They didn’t usually remove that much clothing so Kei greedily looked and touched and Shoyou enjoyed every second of it.

Hesitancy started when Shoyou asked to remove Kei’s shirt as well, but it was only a flash of doubt before he shed his own shirt as well.

Kei tensed under his gaze. 

“I’m going to touch you, okay?” he murmured.

Kei nodded.

Shoyou put his hands on Kei’s ribcage and just let them rest there until Kei prompted him to move. Kei never dressed to show off how muscular he was, even in his uniform it was easy to think he was more lanky than muscular, but under his shirt was undeniable proof.

“Can I ask you a question?” Shoyou asked quietly.

Kei licked his lips, “You just did. But go ahead.”

“Are you nervous because of how far we’re going or because I can see your stretch marks?” one hand travelled to Kei’s side and he lightly traced the marks that were there while he leaned forward to kiss some that were on his shoulders, “Because if it’s the first one we can stop, if it’s the second then let me show you that they’re fine.”

He grabbed Shoyou’s wrist and stopped him from further touching his side, “Second.”

“I like how tall you are,” he nuzzled into Kei’s neck, “they remind me that you’re super tall.”

Kei snorted, “Do you forget how tall I am?”

He nodded into Kei’s neck, “Sometimes. You stand up real straight but you don’t like to make yourself big. It’s kind of like,” he hummed while he thought of an example, “you know sometimes you forget people are short because their presence is so big? Like the opposite of that.”

“Are you insulting me?” Kei frowned. 

“No!” he sat back up, “I’m trying to make you more confident. Let me touch you.”

Kei chewed on his bottom lip but nodded and let go of his wrist. 

Shoyou took his time. He started with his shoulders, touching them gently, tracing lines, until he replaced his fingers with his mouth and tongue. Kei had to stop himself from bunching his shoulders up to his ears. He didn’t stop himself from commenting on how he was going to need a shower if Shoyou kept slobbering on him. 

His sides were harder to deal with. Shoyou spent a longer time touching them, both with the flat of his palms and his fingertips. The touch was unfairly arousing and he was grateful that Shoyou ignored his erection. It was harder for Kei to ignore, especially when Shoyou replaced his hands with his mouth again and lavished his sides with kisses.

Eventually Shoyou touched his thigh and Kei jumped. 

“No, not today,” he covered his face to hide his embarrassment.

“Okay,” Shoyou moved up so he could press his forehead against Kei’s neck. From that position he could tell that he was hard too, “Do you want me to take care of that?” Shoyou asked lightly, brushing his fingers against the waistband of Kei’s pants. 

“No,” Kei said again, “I want to take care of you.”

* * *

Kei pounded on Tadashi’s door and silently begged him to be home. After a few seconds he knocked again and he was about to go for a third round but he heard a slight ‘okay, okay’ from the other side of the door so he took a step back and waited. He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin.

“Kei?” Tadashi asked, surprised. Not only was Kei not one to show up somewhere unannounced, he wasn’t someone to pound on a door like a madman. Kei brushed past Tadashi and let himself in, “Come right in,” Tadashi said to the empty doorway. 

“I had sex with Shoyou,” Kei blurted out before Tadashi could completely shut the door.

“Oh good,” he said calmly, “I’ll have to let Akiteru know that I won the bet.”

Kei, who had been pacing in the small entry hall without even taking off his shoes, paused, “What? Are you betting on my life? With my brother?”

Tadashi put his hands up defensively, “It was a joke, but Aki and I talked once about how you’ll probably come to one of us after you first have sex because you tend to panic.”

“I can’t believe you two,” he muttered under his breath before finally taking off his shoes. He let himself further into Tadashi’s apartment and pulled out his cellphone to call his brother with the full intention of yelling at him for discussing his love life with his friends. As the phone rang he paced up and down the hallway, Tadashi disappeared to let him have his conversation.

"Hello sweet baby brother," Aki greeted cheerfully. 

Kei took a deep breath to contain himself, "Don't talk to people about what you think is going to happen when I have sex," he said calmly.

Akiteru let out a strangled noise, "Please wait a minute, I’m still at work."

He tried to give his brother a second to get somewhere private but his words came tumbling out regardless, "Who do you think you are? Maybe I'll have sex and everything will be fine!"

"Ah,” he could hear Aki still walking somewhere, “so you're at Tadashi’s house aren't you"

"That's not the point, Aki," he said annoyed.

Akiteru paused and lowered his voice significantly, "Are you okay?" Kei appreciated that he didn’t sound like was talking to a wounded animal and instead sounded like he was worried about privacy. If that was the case though, he wasn’t sure. 

Still, the question threw him, "What?"

"Are you okay?" He repeated himself, slightly louder. 

Kei stopped pacing the hall and leaned heavily against the wall. He took another deep breath before sliding down the wall to sit on the floor, "I'm fine," his voice wavered a bit and he knew that Aki heard his weakness. 

"Did he hurt you?" He asked gently.

Kei almost snorted at the question, like Shoyou would ever hurt him. "No"

Akiteru paused for a moment, "Did you like it?"

"Aki...." he said warningly. 

No one had ever accused his brother of being smart so Akiteru didn’t heed his warning, "Well, did you?"

Kei let out a long sigh before admitting, "Yeah."

"Good. I'm glad. Look, it's always been fine that you're gay. You dated that one guy for a few months and even though he wasn't right for you and nothing bad ever happened to you. Now you're finally with Shoyou-- really, about time-- and you know that he knows all about your issues and he's not going to hurt you or pressure you."

"Yeah," he said again. He wasn’t sure what Akiteru was trying to get at. Was he just trying to say that Shoyou was good for him?

He spent a minute trying to figure out what his brother was attempting to say but it was all completely thrown out the window when he asked, "So, who topped"

"AKI!"

"Kidding,” he laughed, “I absolutely do not want to know. But I do want to know, did you dissociate?"

He sighed again. He should have known that they were going to have this conversation. "No."

"That's good.” He could practically hear Akiteru nodding. He wondered where exactly he was in his office that he felt okay to have this conversation, “You need to talk to him and tell him that if you're ever doing something and you do then he needs to stop."

Kei clenched his jaw, "He already knows it's a possibility."

"You should still have a conversation about it," Aki scolded him. He was way too comfortable acting as Kei’s parent. 

"How did I call you to yell at you and end up getting lectured?"

Akiteru laughed again, "If you grew up with normal parents you would know that's pretty normal."

Kei groaned, "I got stuck with you instead."

"Love you too little bro, I gotta go back to work now," Akiteru hung up on him before Kei could say anything snarky back.

He had to take a few minutes to compose himself before he felt well enough to get off of the floor. Tadashi was a few rooms away watching television so he wouldn’t overhear Kei’s conversation. He was a good friend. Kei sat down next to him and told him that he really needed to leave and go back to his own apartment.

When Kei got back home he was surprised to see that Shoyou was still there. He had assumed that after he left Shoyou would have gone back to his own place as well. Shoyou was equally surprised to see him back, he figured that it would take Kei longer to recover and it would be okay if he stayed there for a bit longer. 

“I can go,” he said quickly, standing from his position on the couch, “I thought that since you ran away from the sex you wouldn’t want to be where it happened so I could be here…”

Kei was impossibly happy to see him still there. He wanted to apologize for running away but there were no adequate words or explination for ‘we had sex and afterwards I looked at you and thought you were so beautiful that I had to leave,’ so instead he crossed the room, pushed him back down on the couch, and kissed him roughly. Shoyou moaned into the kiss and pulled Kei down on top of him so Kei knew he was forgiven.

"I need,” Kei broke the kiss and buried his face in Shoyou’s shoulder, “I need to go take a nap, you can join me but I know you're not going to sleep tonight if you do."

Shoyou ran his fingers through Kei’s hair, “I’ll be here when you wake up. And I already changed the sheets.”

When Kei woke up, Akiteru was there too, which he should have expected. Aki was predictable like that. He ignored his brother and joined Shoyou back on the couch, curling up next to him still groggy from his nap but feeling much better than he did before.

“I brought strawberry shortcake,” Aki said temptingly. 

Kei peeked up from where he was trying to burrow into Shoyou’s shoulder, “And then you’ll leave?” 

Akiteru curled up his nose at him and made a face, “C’mon, Kei, can we please talk.”

He sat up fully, “I’m not going to talk to you about my reaction to having sex,” his cheeks tinged red in embarrassment, “I’ll talk to Shoyou about it. You can leave.” 

* * *

He was fairly certain that Akiteru and Shoyou conspired against him. There’s no other reason that he would have agreed to finally see a therapist. And after weeks of going he didn’t know if it was helping but he still found himself in her office every Wednesday night.

The first time he went he was rather defensive, but she told him that he could talk or not talk about whatever he wanted, it was his time and he could do as he pleased. She even offered to let him nap on the couch but he wasn’t sure if that was a joke. He still wasn’t sure, she was hard to read. Then again, he didn’t go there to learn more about her.

In the end he spent the entire session talking about Akiteru. It felt almost cathartic to rant about him to someone who didn’t know him and most likely wouldn’t judge him. After he left he felt like he wasted her time, all she learned was that his brother raised him and their parents basically abandoned them. 

Maybe that’s why he went back the next week. He talked about his mother, and how he thought she was there when he was little but he wasn’t sure if that was true, and her disinterest in his life. When that session ended he called Shoyou and told him that he thought therapy was supposed to make him feel better, instead he felt terrible.

But he went back and talked about his father. Slowly laying out the pieces of his background before going into what everyone thought he needed help about. 

It took weeks for him to mention that he was gay. She seemed surprised for half a second before her face went back to a more neutral expression. Then he talked about Shoyou. He spent more time talking about Shoyou than he did his parents, but he had probably spent more time with him over the years they had known each other. 

At one point she asked, “Does he make you happy?”

And he easily answered, “Yes.”

But then she asked, “Does that scare you?”

And he had to follow that up with “Yes” as well. 

They spent a lot of time talking about it. 

After almost three months of attending weekly sessions Kei finally asked her why she didn’t seem more interested in his dissociative episodes, and she shrugged lightly and told him that he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about them yet. Which was true, whenever he was explaining something he brought them up if necessary but quickly glossed over them. He wasn’t completely satisfied with her answer.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask me uncomfortable questions?”

She twirled a pen between her fingers, “Do I often ask you uncomfortable questions?” 

He scowled at her, “No.”

“Are you ready to talk about your dissociating?” She asked in the same gentle voice she asked everything in.

“Yeah,” he deflated.

And they did.

* * *

Kei was stretching in the gym when he heard one of his teammates call out “Hinata!” He looked up from his stretch and sure enough his boyfriend was standing at the entrance of the gym holding a gym bag and smiling sheepishly. 

“Kogane!” he answered back, “What’s up!” 

The two of them loudly caught up in the corner and Kei continued stretching. He knew that some of his other teammates were definitely looking at him. After their very public kiss his whole team found out about their relationship and every once in a while they asked about it like the nosy bastards they were. 

“Are you here to see Tsukishima?” he heard Kogane ask eventually. 

The two of them finally made eye contact. Kei tried to silently ask what he was doing here. He was planning on seeing his boyfriend tonight but his train wasn’t supposed to be in until much later. 

Shoyou shrugged, “My team’s practice was cancelled and I was coming here anyway so I came by earlier and thought I’d practice with you guys, if you don’t mind!” 

A murmur went through the team, it wasn’t every day that they got to practice with a Division 1 player, and not one as well known as Shoyou, who despite just starting was making a big name for himself. Everyone in the room would have known his name even if Kei hadn’t made a fool of himself on television. Their coach agreed that he could practice with them but let him know that they weren’t going to go easy on him.

Shoyou’s eyes sparkled as he agreed. 

Kei groaned when he stood back up, everyone was going to try and show off. Practice was usually intense and now it was going to be that much worse. But Kei couldn’t say that he wasn’t looking forward to it, it wasn’t often that they got to be on the court together, practice or otherwise. 

He took his place on the court and soon Shoyou joined on the other side of the net. 

“You ready to lose, Tsukishima?” he taunted, bouncing lightly on his feet. 

He scoffed, “You wish, shrimp.”

Kei immediately appreciated that Shoyou didn’t use his first name on the court. By creating that distance he put everyone on equal footing. It wasn’t his boyfriend and his team, they were all simply players. 

The first time he stuffed one of Shoyou’s spikes his team exploded with noise. He knew that he stopped someone notoriously hard to stop, although he wasn’t playing with his normal setter, but Kei didn’t join in on the celebration. Instead, he blushed hard. When they asked how he did it so easily he knew that the real answer was he was entirely too attuned to Shoyou’s every movement, making him easy to read even with his speed. Being that aware of him, in public no less, was embarrassing.

The fact that Shoyou kept looking at him like he wanted to devour him whole also wasn’t helping.

(The second time he stopped one of his spikes, Shoyou made direct eye contact with him and licked his lips. Kei almost excused himself to the bathroom.) 

* * *

When Kei looked at his phone after work he had ten missed calls from Shoyou. His first thought was that he forgot that he was supposed to meet him somewhere. His second thought was that Shoyou was in a terrible accident and needed help. He called him back right away.

“Kei!” Shoyou answered the phone cheerfully and, by the sounds of it, drunkenly.

He felt the nervous energy leave him, “Did you drunk dial me ten times in the middle of the day?”

“I wasn’t drunk when I called you,” he pouted. Shoyou had an embarrassingly low alcohol tolerance and it was totally possible he had only had one beer.

Kei sighed, “So why did you call me?”

“Huh? You called me?” He asked confused before remembering all of his previous calls, “Oh! Right! I did it!” 

This was going to be a long call. He rubbed his eyes, “Yes, you called me earlier. Why?”

“No,” he stressed, extending the word so it was multiple syllables, “I did it.” 

“Shoyou, let’s play a game,” Kei put on a cheerful tone that was sure to draw in his drunk boyfriend’s attention, “Let’s pretend I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

He giggled, “I made the National team!” 

Kei stopped in his tracks, “What? You did it!” 

“That’s what I said!” he laughed louder. Kei corrected himself from one beer to one glass of champagne. 

He clutched the phone to his face, “Good job,” he said softly, “I’m proud of you.”

* * *

Shoyou was being quiet. It wasn’t that he couldn’t be quiet now, Kei had seen him meditate and do yoga and generally be at peace, it was that this quiet felt wrong somehow. He was simply playing with Kei’s fingers as they laid in bed and not talking. He couldn’t take it anymore, he didn’t know why or when he got used to the near constant chatter but he needed to know why it had stopped.

“You’re quiet,” he mumbled into the top of Shoyou’s head, as if he was afraid of breaking the silence himself.

He stopped fidgeting with Kei’s fingers, “I’ve been thinking,” he said slowly. Usually Kei would cut in and tell him not to hurt himself but his tone stopped him, “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” he buried his face into Shoyou’s hair, he didn’t know where this conversation was going and he already didn’t like it, “but go ahead.”

“Will,” he stopped to think over his words, “Do you think that you’ll ever love me?”

Kei felt like all of the air had been sucked out his lungs. Of all the possibilities racing through his head, this wasn’t something he came up with. He didn’t even know what that question meant. He took a deep breath to try and restart his brain, he watched Shoyou’s head rise and fall on his chest as he did.

“I’m not sure what love feels like,” he said at last. Shoyou shifted their positions so he could look up at him questioningly, “I know that Aki loves me. I guess I love him too? But I can’t pinpoint what that feels like. And you’re not asking me to love you like I love my brother,” he let out a huff.

“It’s okay,” Shoyou started to say.

“No,” Kei cut him off, “I’m trying to tell you something. Give me a minute. I don’t know what anything is supposed to feel like, I’ve never been good at it. But no matter how hard I’ve tried, I always seem to choose to be with you. So I’ll probably love you--”

Shoyou sniffed back tears, Kei couldn’t tell if they were happy or sad, “Kei…”

He covered his mouth with his hand, “I’m not done. In the future, I will probably love you, but I will definitely have a hard time telling you, so I’ll try to show it instead. Okay?”

He nodded.

* * *

It wasn’t often, but sometimes Kei went to Shoyou’s apartment. For the most part Shoyou travelled to him because Kei had twice as many commitments to work around, but occasionally the stars aligned and the opposite happened.

It wasn’t that he hated Shoyou’s apartment, but it was also that he hated Shoyou’s apartment. Kei knew that his own place was small. Even his sparse furniture made the rooms feel cramped, but everything he had was necessary and it was laid out in the most economical way. He didn’t have a lot of decorations both because he didn’t have the room for them and he didn’t have use for them.

Shoyou’s apartment was the opposite. It was bigger than Kei’s, which he could afford because Kenma was still subsidizing part of his life because he could, but it was a complete disaster. It wasn’t dirty, he cleaned up after himself, it was just that where he put things didn’t make any sense. 

In Kei’s apartment if you sat on the couch you could see the television, in Shoyou’s apartment if you sat on the couch the television was mostly angled away from you. In his apartment you could quickly bring food from the kitchen to the table, in Shoyou’s apartment you had to walk through an extra room before you reached the table. (“What do you even use this room for, Shoyou?” “Exercising, obviously.”)

At this point he was pretty sure that Shoyou knew that Kei didn’t like it so added more things to it just to piss him off. 

This time when he walked in there was a giant decorative bowl in the entryway. It took up the majority of the small space and Shoyou’s shoes were piled around it. Kei looked at it with dead eyes before wordlessly turning to his boyfriend.

He shrugged, “I thought it could hold umbrellas.”

There were no umbrellas in the bowl. Or was it a vase? He couldn’t look at it any longer. 

He definitely signed up for this particular brand of torture, didn’t he. 

His apartment wasn’t all bad, though. His kitchen was twice as big and Shoyou was a good cook who enjoyed making them elaborate meals when he cooked. Kei tried to help when he could but he mostly just hovered around the kitchen and watched him work. 

The best part was sleeping in Shoyou’s bed. Everything about it was better than his. It was larger so it fit both of them better, it was longer so his feet didn’t hang off the end, and most important it smelled like Shoyou. He slept really well in his bed.

And, if he managed to drag himself out of bed early enough, he could watch him do yoga. That was always a plus.

* * *

Kei had a problem and his problem’s name was Hinata Shoyou. The Olympics were approaching and he was busier than ever so that meant less time that they got to spend together. But the time that they did get to spend together, Shoyou spent driving Kei crazy.

He was fairly certain it was on purpose. 

Shoyou had taken to running the distance between the train station and his apartment, so he would show up slightly sweaty and flush from exertion, then he’d strip down to his boxers and borrow one of Kei’s shirts. And he’d lounge around like that. Kei openly stared at him and Shoyou innocently asked him if something was wrong. 

He was going to die of arousal. He didn’t know if that was possible but he was going to do it. 

He watched Shoyou mull around the kitchen, not nearly as clothed as he should be. His shirts didn’t fit properly on him. Despite the height difference Shoyou had broader shoulders and a wider chest than he did, meaning his shirts stretched tight across his muscles. Kei figured this had to be payback from when they were in high school and he stretched the hems of Shoyou’s shirts with his fingers. Except it was completely different. 

Shoyou was just daring him to lose control and touch him. But he wasn’t going to, he was going to watch and hate himself. He didn’t hate himself for being gay, they had sex and he was mostly okay with it now, he hated how much he wanted. Kei had never really been that interested in sex, and as far as he could tell he still wasn’t as interested as most men, but Shoyou was an exception. He made his insides twist up with want and Kei tried to squash that feeling lest he act on it inappropriately. 

That didn’t stop Shoyou from teasing him. 

But then he came home and saw Shoyou wearing one of his jerseys and seeing “Tsukishima” stretched across his back was too much for him. He roughly grabbed Shoyou’s hips and pinned him against the counter.

“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked before attaching his mouth to the back of his neck.

“Hi,” he gasped out, “I’m not doing anything.”

Kei grinded against him, “You’ve been torturing me for weeks.”

“Oh, that,” he laughed, “do you want me, Kei?”

He gripped his hips harder, “You’re doing this on purpose. Why?”

Shoyou chuckled, “I can’t have sex during the Olympics. I’ve been seducing you so we can do it before then.”

“I hate you so much,” he hissed before scraping his teeth against the back of his neck, “I can’t believe you do this to me.”

He laughed loudly, “No you don’t. C’mon bedroom,” he tried to pull away to lead them to Kei’s bedroom.

“No,” Kei pushed him back against the counter, “here.”

* * *

Kei had to beg multiple people to get enough time off to see Shoyou at the Olympics but somehow he managed. He would have quit his job if he had to, but he was grateful it didn’t come to that. He had a good hotel room courtesy of Kenma and some kind of VIP pass that he didn’t know existed thanks to Kuroo. He earnestly thanked them, surprising everyone, but he knew that it must have cost a lot of money or social capital; and apparently they were still friends with Shoyou so he could make nice.

The Olympics were loud and crowded and he silently thanked his therapist for giving him tools to deal with getting overwhelmed. But none of that mattered when he saw that Japanese National Team take the court.

The team was stacked with people he had played with or against at one point, and he realized how lucky he had been to play with such amazing people. But he kept his attention on Shoyou, who was jumping up and down to keep loose. He could tell that he was nervous. It was an odd sight, Shoyou didn’t really get nervous before matches anymore, but he guessed this was fair. This was the biggest stage he ever stood on. This was the top.

When he took the court he shook out his arms and got into position. He looked much calmer, as if crossing the lines had given him all the clarity he needed. He didn’t care that he was the shortest person playing, he was going to show them that he knew how to fly. 

The game went on for four sets before Bokuto scored the final point for Japan. The crowd exploded around him and Bokuto practically preened under the attention.

Kei kept tracking Shoyou. The pass that Kuroo gave him could get him practically onto the court and Kei walked down the stands, going against most of the crowd, to get closer. Eventually he had to go through a small tunnel and down some stairs to reach court level but it was easy to spot Shoyou again, his hair lit up like a beacon under the stadium lights. 

Shoyou was talking to a reporter from one of the local news stations. The reporter asked how far they could expect the Japanese volleyball team to go and he boldly said that they were going for the gold medal.

Kei felt a weird warmth fill his chest. He wanted to reach out and touch him, pull him into his arms even though he could see that he was coated in sweat and desperately needed a shower. He shoved his hands in his pockets and waited. He wasn’t going to do it again. 

When Shoyou spotted him he lit up. It was like exhaustion was lifted off of his shoulders. Kei clenched his fists, he wasn’t going to do it. Shoyou quickly wrapped up the interview and the reporter moved on to interviewing Bokuto. 

Shoyou smiled brightly at him as he walked over to the sideline where Kei was waiting for him and Kei immediately knew that he was going to do it again, that two years later after another debut game he was going to do it again. He removed his hands from his pockets and wiped the sweat on to his pants. 

And Kei did it again. Under the too-bright lights, in front of the Japanese National Team and the international reporters, Kei tangled his fingers into Shoyou’s sweat soaked hair and pulled him in for a kiss. For once, he didn’t worry about the consequences. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over! Sort of! I have a companion story/epilogue planned that will be called "Firsts" that will explore their relationship in greater depth. As the name implies the story will be about all of their major (and minor) firsts in their relationship. I have a list compiled already but if there's anything in particular please let me know :) 
> 
> Also please let me know what you thought of the whole fic or if I left any plot threads dangling that you need answering! I think I tied up most everything. Your comments are always a bright spot on my day.
> 
> As always you can come hang out with me on tumblr @rurambles to yell about tsukihina or whatever
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
